year's end

The end of 2010 is at hand. I guess I should be contemplative and reflective, but I don't really feel like reviewing the past right now. I feel more like being in the moment and being optimistic about the future. I can't remember the last time I had so much hope looking forward. I'm happy with my present. I'm thankful for the love in my life. The love of a good man. The love of my children. I'm thankful for the time I've had to spend with them this past week. My heart is warm. Life is good. God is good and faithful.

six months

Six months ago today a sweet, wonderful man from Massachusetts found me. These months have moved very quickly and so much has happened. I fell in love with this man so quickly -- head over heels! The love I feel today isn't the butterfly feeling (the squiggles are less prominent), but it is deep and rooted. Despite the speed bumps, the uncertainty at times, the distance that plagues us, and the difficulty of the last few weeks, I love him with all my heart. It was a 'divine conspiracy' that brought us together and my hope is that God will bind us together forever. I can't wait to be wrapped in his embrace and feel his warm, sweet kisses. I've missed him so much. Less than 24 hours to go!

better

I have a better perspective today. I'm feeling more optimistic. Your words have been like rain on a parched land. I can't wait to see your face and be in your embrace. I also can't wait to TALK!!! I miss the sound of your voice so much.

I didn't sleep very well last night. I had several periods of wakefulness and felt like I never really slept soundly. Ah well. It's going to be a long day.

I miss you

It's a beautiful, hot summer day. I wish I was enjoying it with you. You are constantly on my mind. I've been replaying a lot of memories in an effort to keep you close. But you are SO far away -- physically and emotionally. I hate this. I have to get through 5 more days -- and then what? No idea. I can't live in limbo anymore.

silence

I've agreed to the silence now, but it still feels oppressive. It feels like I'm being punished for something I didn't do. It feels like I'm being shut out. I understand the need for some space -- you need to concentrate on some important matters. I get that. It just doesn't make it any easier to be cut out of your life. I want to be IN relationship with you. That's what loving someone means.

I wonder about your feelings for me. I wonder if it has been painful for you to be cut out of MY life. You said it was "strange" not to talk to me every day, but you didn't say it was painful or difficult. Is it that you are so hyper focused on your issues that you just can't deal with your feelings for me? Is that it? Is keeping me silent a way of setting me aside so that you don't have to deal with me? I suppose it is. I suppose I shouldn't take offense to that. I'm being selfish.

longing

I slept better last night. I woke up around 5 a.m. and, like every morning, my first thoughts were of you. I longed for you -- your presence, your touch, the sound of your voice, your words. So, I caved and called you -- I wanted to speak The Word to you to start the day. I hope that was okay. I hope it helped to hear the sound of my voice. I miss you so much. I know I have to keep waiting. It is incredibly difficult and takes all my will power. I have to keep remembering to draw on God's strength and trust him.

impatient

I'm tired and impatient today. I'm itching to contact you in some way, but resisting with all of my strength. This 'space and time' thing really isn't working for me. I've had about enough of it. I'm frustrated and beginning to get angry. Is this really necessary?

Meanwhile, I continue to pray like crazy and try to focus on waiting on the Lord instead of waiting for you. There is only so much that I can tolerate -- I don't know what the limit is right now, but I'm sure I'll know it when I hit it. If you don't reach out to me with some FEELING soon, you are going to lose me. Maybe that's what you hope for anyway. I just don't know.

insomnia

It's 3 a.m. and I've been awake since 12:30 a.m. I haven't had insomnia like this in awhile. Last night I woke up several times and then could not get back to sleep after 4:30 a.m. I was really tired yesterday. I can't imagine what this day is going to be like. How will I function? I seem to get insomnia when my emotions are haywire. My stomach has been a problem all night also -- major indigestion! Bad idea to have left over Chinese food. Ugh.

I'm going back to bed. Hope I can sleep.....

please

Please love me and let me love you. I miss you. I wait. I hurt.

struggling but waiting

I'm really struggling. I don't know what I'm supposed to think. I have thoughts -- just have difficulty determining if they are warranted or correct. I don't know what I'm supposed to feel. I have strong feelings, but they're suppressed because I'm not free to share them. I don't know how I'm supposed to behave. There are actions that I want to take, but I restrain myself because I don't know what the rules are or I question my motives or I decide that I'm not supposed to make the first move. I also try to logically predict the future based on what I know to be true -- or is it what I think is true? Ha, like that's even possible! Then I'll do an about-face and think of the worst possible scenario to prepare myself for that possibility. It's literally a 24 hour analysis. It consumes every spare minute of the day and I wake up several times during the night. I'm pretty sure I dream about it, too. I'm praying throughout this process -- sometimes for long periods of time. I'm praying in earnest with fervor and I feel God is close when I pray -- almost like he is sitting right next to me with an attentive ear. I see that God is teaching me to surrender control and trust him. I see that. Really, I do. There have been times when I've asked for peace and I've felt it -- until I allow my anxiety to seep in and take over again.

So I write all this and then what? I wonder if I'm supposed to send it to you. Is this allowed? Is this invading your space? Is this troubling you when you are self-focused? Will you think I'm neurotic? Does this feed into your doubt about me? Is this breaking some unspoken code of silence? Do I have a right to express any of my thoughts or feelings? Is this pushing forward instead of pulling back? Am I trying to grasp for some control of a situation that is supposed to be out of my control?

I'm not going to send this by email. I'll post it here and wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

still yours

Still yours . . . two words to which I pin my hopes. You are moved by a song, but is your heart still really with me? Love dies from neglect and I'm so afraid that our love will die. You are so far from where you need to be, it seems, so far from the truth. Will you lose sight of me as you meander down this path? I entrust you to the Lord, again. I have to believe that he will reveal himself to you and that the spirit will come upon you with power. My heart yearns for you to see the truth and believe it on faith.

Open the eyes of his heart, Lord, so that he can see you. Reveal yourself to him, I pray. Show him your glory, your holiness, your sovereignty, your power. Humble him, protect him from the evil one who wants to ensnare him in doubt. Help me to be patient and to trust you more.

I'm tired

I'm so tired today ..... emotionally and physically. It's a very dark and dreary Monday which doesn't help. The tears are ever close to the surface. I haven't slept well in days. I wake up several times a night -- last night was 12:30, 2:30 and then 5:00. I didn't get back to sleep after 5 a.m., just dozed a little bit. When I wake up, my mind whirls with thoughts of D. I try to focus on happy memories, which doesn't always help. It makes me miss him.

I feel so lost. I keep thinking of ways to reach out, but ultimately conclude that I can't initiate anything. I have to wait for him. THAT sucks. I'm always trying to find answers and it's INCREDIBLY frustrating to realize that there are none to find. It's not up to me. I have to trust the Lord -- that's all I can do. My big lesson: surrender everything to the Lord. A very, very difficult lesson.

I thought of you, my darling, all through the service this morning. The sermon was apropos and I wished so much that you could hear it. Maybe I'll send a link to the recording later in the week. I vacillate between great hope and great despair. Logic fails me.

The drive to Herkimer gave me too much time to think about you, but then I think of you constantly despite what I'm doing. I'm thinking that I need to go completely silent for a few days -- absolutely no email. It's impossible task, but maybe I can summon enough purpose and determination to do it. I wonder if it will make you see what it would be like to lose me. Would it even matter to you? I don't know. I'm always one heartbeat away from calling you and pleading my love for you. It's so hard to resist sometimes. I hate being forced to do this.

I watched South Pacific this afternoon. I truly am masochistic. Some Enchanted Evening made me cry. "Once you've found her, never let her go."

what are the rules?

We didn't discuss the parameters or the rules of this. What does it mean to give someone space and time? What does it really mean to 'pull back'. I don't know. I've interpreted it as this: Amy keeps her feelings to herself while Dick finds his way. Amy suffers in silence. Love is held hostage. I rip you out of my life and you rip me out of yours -- we share nothing. For what? Is this suffering really necessary? It seems so terribly self-centered to me right now. It's all about you. What about me? I'm set aside. I wait.

I pray without ceasing and I weep. That's all that I can do. I am bound. Love is held hostage.

Will our love survive? Will it be strengthened or will it be destroyed from neglect?

consequences

It occurred to me that I am being disciplined for my disobedience and ultimately for my pride. I have willingly disobeyed God by compromising my purity. I pridefully reasoned that God's way was too restrictive. If you really love someone, why can't you love them completely? I reasoned that I was doing something good, giving something that my love needed. I was a fool. Not only did I compromise myself, but I've been a stumbling block to someone that I love. I complicated his life (he made the choice, too, of course) by giving in to my flesh. Sin is sin -- sex outside of marriage or fornication (hate that word) is clearly sin. That's God's way. Now I face the consequences and suffer the pain. I await the final verdict hoping that my mistakes are covered with grace. I submit this to you Lord once and for all. I will not be disobedient in this area again. Your way is perfect. I will be devastated to realize what I've done, if this relationship does not work out. What if I have given my body to someone who will never be my husband?

void

It's Saturday morning and I'm going about my household duties. The sun is shining and it's a beautiful day. I sit here with tears streaming down my face. I'm letting the anxiety take hold again and I'm feeling the void once filled by a friend, confidant and lover. One week ago I was lying in his arms and today I'm separated from him completely. It hurts so much. I'm so afraid that the relationship is going to end -- that he will end it. How do I continue to do this? How do I continue to wait? I need to pray -- nothing more than whispered phrases so far this morning. It's time to get on my knees and submit once more. Last night I prayed for God's peace and he gave it to me. I felt more relaxed and slept a little better.

anxiety

I've realized what it is that I'm feeling is ANXIETY. Yes, my heart is aching, but the swirling feeling in my chest and tears ever close to the surface are from feeling anxious. I've had this feeling before when I was going through the divorce. It's a feeling that comes what I have no control and have no idea what is ahead. That feeling that the path is dark and my footing is unsure. It's the worst feeling. For someone like me who needs a plan, needs to know what's going on, needs to be able to figure things out, and needs to have some level of control, trusting in the unknown is incredibly difficult. I trust the Lord as much as I do because I reason that "all things work together for good" and he IS in control. Trusting another human being without having any interaction with them is nearly impossible for me to handle. Putting my destiny in their hands causes me great anxiety. I can only trust the Lord right now. I have no idea what direction D will go in. No idea if he will figure any of this out. No assurance that I will be a part of his life. I can only trust that, whatever the outcome, God is in control. He is faithful and he will see me through. Lord, give me your peace and help me trust you. Help me to pray for D for his sake and not my own.

anguish part 2

Feeling lots of heart ache this morning. I'll have to try very hard to stuff it and concentrate on work. What I know intellectually and what I feel in my heart are leagues apart and I just can't reconcile them right now. I'm not keeping my gmail account open at work today -- I'm absolutely neurotic about it and I need to quit cold turkey. I'll check it at lunch time and that's it. I can see that there are some lessons to be learned through all of this -- just wish it didn't have to hurt so much. I'm back to contemplating life alone and that really SUCKS.

I decided to leave work early. I've been on the verge of tears and just wanted to be home where I can release them when I need to. I've been praying almost without ceasing.

How do you stay away from someone that you love? How do you purposely cut yourself off from them? I feel like you've been ripped out of my life -- like a bandage removed from a wound.

anguish

Last night was tough. I missed you so much. Going to bed without hearing your voice was anguish. I still feel it this morning. I went for a long walk and I read in bed for a while, but it didn't help much. My sleep the last two nights has been restless. I keep waking up and thinking about you. This is SO difficult! It's so hard to restrain myself from reaching out to you. But I know that I have to wait. I know that you need to make the first move. I sent my notebook with our chronicles in it to you. I hope it will remind you off all the wonderful times we've shared. I keep replaying them all in my mind to remind me, too.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid that you will give up and end the relationship. I wonder if all the feelings of distance and doubt mean that you really don't love me after all. It breaks my heart just to think of it. I'm trying so hard to trust in the Lord. Trust that whatever happens, it will work for good. That it was meant to be.

ANGUISH.

trying to understand

I did some reading on xxxchurch.com today. I'm trying to understand more about the 'addiction', though it's very difficult to absorb. I would rather just not know. Actually -- I just wish it wasn't this way at all. It makes me feel helpless and rather hopeless. I hate that you are a victim to this insidious sin. I hate that you have to struggle so much. I hate that it is a part of what is otherwise a wonderful, remarkable man. A man of my dreams. I wonder why I would knowingly subject myself to what is likely a lifelong battle. Do I love YOU enough to fight with you? It is worth it? I just don't know. I have had so much heart ache in my life already.

I'm not over processing. In fact, I'm continually drawn to all the good memories we've shared. I am hopelessly drawn to you. I love you with all of my being. I hope and pray that you feel the same way. I miss you so much already.

the confession

So there it is in black and white, all that you have been keeping back from me. And then the lies. Nothing will ever affect me more than lies and deception. The acts that you cover up would be far easier to handle if they were confessed right away. That was our agreement, after all. You ARE a coward. I am SO disappointed in you. So saddened by your choices because you will LOSE and you will pay a heavy price. I need to pull back and remove myself from you for a while. I don't know how long. I need assurances from you that I AM worth fighting for -- that you DO love me enough to do whatever it takes to protect our relationship. I need to know that you BELIEVE that you CAN overcome -- that you WILL be successful more and more. I need you to CHOOSE ME. I need to see that you are pursuing God and feeding your faith. I need to know that you are willing to get the help and support that you need to get better and better and better. I don't expect you to be perfect and conquer this overnight. I know that it will be a long process -- I'm willing to support you all the way. I know you will have times when you fail -- I pray that they are few and far between. I am praying FERVENTLY for you -- more fervently than I have prayed in a long time. I am pressing into the Lord and fully relying on him right now. I need to increase MY faith and trust him more. I realize that this is out of my control -- I need to entrust YOU to the Lord and get out of the way. I've done all that I can except pray, pray, pray. I don't know what's ahead. I can't see if this relationship will work. So I'll wait and pull back my focus so that I can see the bigger picture. I'll wait to see how you respond. It's all up to you now. The fate of this relationship is in your hands and I pray that you submit it to the Lord also so that his perfect will can work (like Ransom realizes in Perelandra -- getting out of OUR will so that God's will can be fulfilled).

Dear Dick #4

Hello, my love,

I'm just back from a long walk and lots of thought and prayer time. I hope I can clearly articulate what I'm feeling. First and foremost, I love you with all of my heart. There is no one that I would rather be with than you. I imagine spending my life with you and I believe I'm willing to sacrifice whatever it takes to do that. I've waited a long time for this kind of love and I am so grateful for it. I cherish you.

We've talked about our physical relationship many times and we've both felt the conviction over and over. You know that I desire you and I want to please you in this way. The bottom line is that it's sin and it's a spiritual block for us. It hinders my prayers and I believe it hinders you in more ways than one. Hindsight is 20/20 and our foresight is blurry at best. I hope that I can be more committed than ever to abstain -- I hope WE can be more committed. I know without a doubt that I can feel close to you without having sex. I DO feel close to you without it. My most treasured memories are of our quiet moments and the things we have experienced together. I've always thought (and proselytized to my kids) that sex between a husband and wife is better anyway. You may not agree -- but think about the possibility that it could be true!

I know you once had a frigid wife and that undoubtedly contributed to your sexual issues. I also know that men who have loving, sexually active wives are still enslaved to porn and succumb to temptation. I'd be a fool to think that I could ever be an antidote for you. I can already see that reality is not living up to your fantasies. One of my fears is that you will always want more than you could ever realistically obtain -- that you will choose to live in your head rather than appreciate and enjoy what you actually have. I will need assurance that you have self-control -- especially control over your thoughts -- that you are able to love and be loved with realistic expectations. I hope I've shown that I will give all that I have to you. I have a strong need for security and if your attentions are elsewhere I'll feel adrift.

Your spiritual well-being is of enormous importance to me. I fear for you right now because, if you are letting doubt cloud your thinking, your guard is down and the enemy's arrows are getting in. I don't think it is an overstatement to say that you are in great danger. Last night I committed myself to daily fervent prayer on your behalf. I hope you will also pray fervently every day. Confess all of your feelings to the Lord and ask him to help you -- BELIEVE that he will! Please consider this: your thoughts and feelings have an impact on ME. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I will support you with all of my strength, if your focus is overcoming your struggles. If you choose to be like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind, then I'll have to jump ship.

This relationship will fail if God is not at the very foundation of it. There is just too much against us if we don't put Christ at the center. Your doubts and 'addiction' -- my insecurities and fears, etc. We haven't done the best job of putting him at the center, but we can change that. I believe with all of my heart that it is God's intention for us to be helpmates to each other. Given free will, however, we both have the ability to destroy what was intended for good. I know that you can be strong and faithful -- I NEED you to be strong and faithful.

I hope I haven't been too preachy! Please don't be afraid to share your feelings with me. I feel disconnected from you when you're not telling me how you feel. I like to hear about your work and your daily activities, but I also need to hear what's on your heart.

All my love,
Amy

Dear Dick #3

I lightheartedly hinted at the lack of bf/gf communication in an email to you today. You seemed to agree, but that's as far as it went. It's been really strange to have no flirting or feelings running through our written or oral communication. NONE! The usual 'I love you' at the end of our nightly phone conversation, but that's it. I seriously could transfer all the communication to my brother and it wouldn't be out of place. So, yeah, I don't like that. I'm practically starving for your sweet words! It's taking so much restraint for me not to give them, too. I'm beginning to wonder what our time together will be like -- will there be any ardor at all? I know you've been very preoccupied with your work so I understand you haven't had the free time to think much about me. I get that; I do. I hope your mind will be fully with me starting tomorrow night. I so need to be connected to you! Please, please pursue me and show me your heart. I'm adrift without it.

Dear Dick #2

It's the second day of my 'experiment' in withholding words from you as much as possible. We've exchanges email messages, but they have been devoid of emotion or relationship references. Just the facts of the day -- mostly about your rush project. This is going to get boring for me, but I'm committed to the cause! :-) I wonder if you will even notice the lack of my effusiveness. Will you miss my words of love? There isn't the usual anticipation about our upcoming date. I'm looking forward to it and I want to be with you, but I'm not counting down the days necessarily. Since there is no emotion in our communication, there is an emotional distance. Even our last few phone conversations have been rather cut and dry -- even my pathetic attempt at speaking Dutch was rather unemotional! Interesting phenomenon. I read over some old email messages today while looking for a past reference (a Dutch phrase) and I have to admit, it was a bit painful. So many loving messages -- and now what? I feel like I'VE kept it up, but you -- what about you? What happened to my Romeo? I hope he returns ...

Dear Dick #1

I'm writing to you off email, my darling, because I feel the need to sequester my words for a while. I hope this isn't being passive-aggressive! I hope it's just a little measure of protection over my heart for now. I'm feeling a bit better about our relationship today, but there is still some insecurity about your feelings for me. I read over the (two...) cards that you sent me months ago and it made me weep. Those words were so sweet and touched me so deeply. I miss receiving words like that from you. So, perhaps foolishly, I wonder if withholding my words will make you see how it feels to have the lack of them. Does that make any sense? I suppose this could also backfire and make me become more distant and disconnected from you instead.

It was so good to pray with you last night. We really need to do it more often. It helps put our perspective in the right place doesn't it? Your spiritual well-being is extremely important to me. When I think of sharing spiritual things and deepening our relationship with the Lord together, it makes me feel so optimistic and even excited. It's something I have always longed to have with my partner. We know how easy it is to neglect this area, though. It's going to take purpose and discipline to be consistent -- I am confident that the rewards will be great and will spur us on. I think we both realize that the more we submit to the Lord, the less we will be able to give in to the desires of our flesh. That is still a tough one for me. I don't have to have the sexual manifestation of our relationship, but I certainly want it! It is such a double edged sword kind of thing. In my heart of hearts, I want to sacrifice this area for the over-all well being of our relationship. I still feel that it hinders you and brings you inner conflict in an area where you already have struggles to overcome. When I think of this, it affects me deeply. I would never willingly bring you any harm in this way -- be a stumbling block to you -- as I've said previously. Of course, it also hinders my spiritual walk as well. On the other hand, there is this strong desire to love you completely and it is difficult to resist.

work sucks

I'm grateful for my job -- really, I am, but I'm sooooo bored with it right now. I find it very difficult to concentrate on the meager work that I'm able to cut out for myself. It's just not that stimulating or challenging. I'm wasting away here. There are days (like today) where I look at the clock every 5 minutes and will it to move faster. I can't wait for the day to end. Wiling away the hours is further complicated by my straying thoughts -- my bf -- how much I miss him and long to be with him. I really need more to occupy my mind. I keep searching the job listings, looking for a new opportunity that could re-stimulate my career. I have to be realistic, of course. Two kids in college to support keeps me grounded in reality. I also have to look at long term potential. It would be great to relocate to the Northshore, but the timing would be delicate, wouldn't it? Ah well, I'll endure.

processing ...

It's been a long time since I last made a journal entry here. All of my processing over the last three months has taken the form of email messages to my bf. I realize today that I need to process some things about the relationship outside of his purview. There is just so much stuff to get out. What started as a whirlwind romance -- a surreal connection beyond my wildest hopes, has become a reality of challenges and difficulty that relationships inevitably face. Perhaps more difficulty in some ways than should be. After being in such a long arduous marriage, I hate even the thought of difficulty. Perhaps I analyze things too much and feel too deeply to have a flawless relationship with any man. DFS is a wonderful human being. There is so much that I love about him . . . but there are issues. I have this determination that makes me think that I can handle major issues -- if it comes with great reward. There are complications beyond our control -- DISTANCE -- a 200 mile chasm between NE MA and Albany, NY. It's incredibly difficult to maintain a relationship two day or three days a visit with as much as two weeks in between. The momentum is lacking and the connection has to keep being reestablished. It's very frustrating. Daily phone conversations (albeit lengthy ones) and email messages are not enough. There are other struggles -- the physical relationship that we both want, but realize is wrong for us right now -- outside of marriage is outside of God's will. So last night we hashed that all out and it was agonizing. I feel such guilt for not restraining myself and allowing myself to be a stumbling block to DFS. I knew in my heart all along that it had to be a hindrance to him -- his issues, his healing, etc. I'm still reeling from all of this and as I do, I feel a lack of assurance from DFS. Some of the things he says makes me feel insecure in his commitment to me. I think he is still figuring out whether this relationship can be something permanent. I wonder if he will EVER feel confident enough to trust and pursue marriage. This makes me extremely uneasy because I don't want to invest my love and devotion to someone who is eventually going to pull the plug and break my heart. I almost feel the need to pull back -- way back -- and see if he pursues me. It's taking all my will power to keep from sending him an email message today. I just made this major decision -- I bought a new car! -- and I so want to tell him about it, but I also feel like I need to hold back a little. Since our conversation last night, I sense this imbalance -- me wanting him more than he wants me. Maybe that's a distorted perception, I don't know. What I heard was this: "I have my home and my daughter and a routine to my life -- apart and away from you. So while the distance is difficult, it's a buffer -- I still have my own refuge." That's what I heard -- not sure if he meant it to be received that way. Now that we have the sin issue cleared up -- that blockage caused by ignoring God's will and serving the needs of the flesh -- my praying is in earnest once again. I'm praying that I will be able to trust God completely -- let go of all that I've been grasping on to. I know if I trust the Lord with everything in my life, I will have peace and I will have clear direction. I don't have to worry about what the future holds.

The Dichotomy Inside Me

A writing from the past as I processed my divorce:


Side A
§ God loves me.
§ God forgives me.
§ God is merciful.
§ God does not want me to suffer or to be in harm physically, mentally or emotionally. He is my protector.
§ God is trustworthy and my fear should be reverence of his holiness.
§ I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life.
§ It’s okay to hope that I will be loved in the future.
§ I don’t regret getting myself and my children out of a hostile environment.
§ My children are loved and cared for in a peaceful home where they feel secure.
§ I ensure that my children are fostered in a Christian community.
§ I don’t regret holding James accountable for his actions.
§ I have more peace.
§ I have a lot to give.
§ I have a lot to learn.
§ I have a much better sense of who I am.
§ I can heal and I will be stronger for it.
§ I have everything that I need.
§ James continues to make bad choices and he has abandoned his family. § He has not made any attempt to reconcile.
§ His words and actions reflect a deep seated bitterness that he is not willing to resolve.
§ He is living with another woman.

Side B
§ God is disappointed with me.
§ I must endure consequences.
§ I am responsible for fixing my mistakes.
§ I must be alone.
§ I cannot justify divorce.
§ I can’t trust my feelings.
§ Loneliness will be my curse.
§ I’m hurting my family.
§ My children will be scarred for life.
§ I’ve wasted most of my life being foolish and naive.
§ I am a failure.
§ I am a disappointment.
§ I am afraid.
§ I don’t have enough faith.
§ I am a second class citizen – I’ve lost the respect of people around me.
§ I don’t know what my status is in the Christian community.
§ I don’t like being a bad statistic. I’m in the wrong 50%.
§ I will never own a home and financial security will be difficult to maintain.
§ Was I supposed to suck it up and endure until he finally confronted his demons?
§ Am I the one who is crazy?
§ He didn’t beat me up.
§ No evidence of adultery when we lived together.
§ He didn’t flee. I asked him to leave.
§ He said that he wanted to work it out. (though it was couched in terms of sexual need).
§ He said he was sorry once. Not what he was sorry for – just sorry.

vent from the past

11/29/2005

I guess it’s time to get out some of the thoughts that have been swirling in my mind, if only to clear my head and press on with the business of the day. Several weeks ago, I started to close in again and shut down my emotions. I get to a point where it appears that every effort that I am making becomes null and void. I reach out – put myself out there – because I feel in my heart that it’s the right thing to do. Be kind, be loving, extend a hand, breach the void, set aside the disappointment, put the needs of Jim first… It’s difficult at first because the motives are not trusted, but then there is usually a good spot when Jim realizes that he’s getting what he wants and there’s peace. It is only skin deep, however. When we get to the core issues and look at them, the relationship begins to break down again. I pull back because I get tired and fed up. I take my eyes off Jesus and start looking at the muck I’m in – and I get sucked into the pit.

Jim is easily distracted onto a treadmill of self-improvement tactics that get him nowhere. Lately it’s been the new job opportunity which is going to set him straight. If he works hard at his job, he doesn’t have to look at what’s inside of him and he doesn’t have to deal with it. He doesn’t have to give up anything because he can apparently balance it with a lot of good effort – or maybe he thinks that once he is successful at his job, he’ll be able to give up the vices. The problem as he sees it – is that I’m not cooperating. He’s right in a way – I’m playing into his hands so to speak. Because I’ve withdrawn, I am providing veracity to all that he believes about me – I ignore him, I don’t respect him, I control everything, etc., etc. The thing is – he says this about me whenever he gets angry – even when I am doing everything I can to reach out to him. So, here I am, damned if I do and damned if I don’t. And here I am at the crux of the matter, Jim continues to spin a reality that makes him the underdog, that puts him under my heel in some way, a “whatever” -- “it doesn’t matter” mindset. His guilt puts me in a position of judge. Because I don’t condone his behavior and I call him to account, then I am judging him. If I ask him about how much money he is making or where he spends his evenings, then I’m saying that I’m better than him – that he is a sinner and I’m not – I’m judging. It’s a distraction technique – point the finger at me and I’ll just point it back to you. His guilt becomes resentment pointed full force at me. I continue to be the scapegoat for his self worth.

I don’t like to talk to Jim because everything I say is taken as an attack and responded to with defense and resentment. He quickly swirls into an emotional tailspin. Even talking about our children quickly becomes an emotionally charged exchange. I have given up – it’s just banging my head against a wall and I’d rather not.

I have never respected James. Never. I felt embarrassed by him very early in our relationship. There are a multitude of things that I dislike about him. I don’t like the way he thinks. I don’t like the way he relates to people. I don’t like what he does with his time. I don’t like – don’t even know – his friends. He is a poor judge of character. He shirks his responsibilities. It is so ironic that at just the point that I was figuring all this out so many years ago, I became pregnant. I trapped myself into a life sentence. Ever the optimist I thought it would all work out somehow.

Lately, I just tell the Lord about my frustrations and hope that he hears me. My hope is that he will provide some way out of this conundrum before I lose my sanity and before my family completely falls apart. I understand that suffering is necessary; I really do. I wonder how much of my suffering is self inflicted – have I tolerated too much? Is there no protection? Is there no treatment? Is there no rescue?

what is love?

Funny how love is so difficult to define -- or maybe it's the condition of being "in love" that stumps us. God is love -- check; greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends -- absolutely; love is blind -- maybe; love is not having to say you're sorry -- nah; love is this; love is that. So many definitions, so many opinions and so many nuances. What IS love? How does an imperfect human being know when they feel love -- when they are IN love? Songwriters, poets, greeting card companies, authors, psychologists, gurus, astrologists .... they all try in vain to define love. What is the formula? Is it sweaty palms, heart palpitations, warm fuzziness, constant thoughts of the other person, euphoria, peace, a desire to do anything for their favor, heartbreak at the thought of losing them, physical sensations that defy description, a yearning that can only be assuaged when they are present? -- any of the above? all of the above? What is LOVE? When does wanting to love become LOVE? When does falling in love become LOVE? Ultimately, love is RISK. It's taking a flying leap into absolute uncertainty, hoping the other person leaps too.

"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived".

[William Parrish] from the movie, Meet Joe Black (1998)

discombobulated

Two hours on the phone with DFS last night -- a very pleasant conversation. I don't know what to think about it all, though. I don't know where this will go and I'm afraid! I don't have a strong feeling... but maybe that is a good thing. I am going to do everything in my power to make a visit happen next weekend. Going to MA on Saturday and hope to have a lot of time to spend on a "date" with DFS. I think it is time for a chemistry test! I'm struggling with a lot of mixed feelings & thoughts today. I feel so ordinary -- like I haven't lived a full life and am therefore terribly boring. The ex is extremely talented and cultured. He is much more cultured than I. I live through books and dreams, but have experienced so little. I hate that I was caged with a schmuck for so long -- confined to mediocrity and strife. I don't know what I have to offer... My dear friend reminds me that I have a heart and beauty (NOT) and intelligence to bring, but I have my doubts. I've never struggled with self-confidence like this before. I need to remind myself that nothing ventured is nothing gained. So what if it doesn't work out? It's OKAY! Savor the moment and don't look too far ahead -- I don't have to have the rest of my life planned out. I will not get stuck -- ever again! I can say no. I can say maybe. I can be rejected and survive it. There is more than one opportunity. There are more fish in the sea. I WILL be just right for someone. I need to just BE ME and let the chips fall. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God loves me. He is able to do immeasurably more than I could ask for or imagine!!!

what's in a name?

It's high time I wrote about my new match interest! We have been communicating for just over a week and all is well so far. He is real! We have a lot in common and have some interesting geographical connections. He lives near my brother, is originally from central NY (where I have family as well) and he has literally biked past my father's farm. Little things --perhaps -- but interesting just the same. I am really enjoying getting to know him! We've talked just once on the phone but it was a pleasant conversation and would have gone on longer than it did had I not had to cut it short. We have this interesting dilemma about our names -- his is a slang term that is used and abused; mine happens to be the same as his ex-wife! I am cautiously optimistic and just letting things move along naturally and realistically. It is impossible to really measure someone up until you meet them in person. I would like to make that happen sooner rather than later. So I think a trip to MA is in order! More to come.... I hope!

why is this not working in my favor?

More online dating disappointment.... I don't understand why the guys I am interested in, are not into me. Guys who I wouldn't give the time of day to, contact me and I'm so desperate that I take the time to consider them... and even attempt to communicate with them. So, I have a phone date tonight with a guy who I know I won't like. Not because he's not a nice guy, but because I doubt that he has strong faith... and.... I'm not physically attracted to him. He is overweight. I extended my search to 600 miles just to see what the selection was within my criteria.... not a lot of results. The guys far away are not interested in long distance relationships. There is a guy in MA who is so hotttt -- and has an amazing profile -- so original and witty. I do not meet his criteria in any way, though. I had to send him a message which of course is futile.... I made it clear how cynical I was about it. I don't meet his search criteria at all. He is one of those 40-something males who blew their youth on selfishness, now want to settle down and have kids... which requires an attractive 30-something never been married female. Ugh! I have to stop looking at his pictures....

I hate this!!! I can't even get a lousy date with a decent guy that I won't mind looking at or imagining being close to. I know I'm going about this all wrong -- my emotions and hormones have run amok and I'm not yet willing to reign them in. I felt what it might be like to be connected to a man and now I just want it so badly -- for real. Please Lord, please -- can I just have the chance to meet someone great? I feel so undesired and unwanted. I feel like I'm at the bottom of the barrel. Why is it this way? I hate, hate, hate that I squandered my youth and youthful looks on a loser!!!

should I keep trying?

I am still pursuing online dating -- against all odds. I decided to try another dating site. It seems to have a lot less people on it, but it also seems to match better. No contacts so far -- except for this odd ice breaker request from a guy who was hiding his profile! I am still on match until my subscription ends today so I have sent and received some emails there. It's interesting how I NEVER get a response to the emails that I initiate. I have received some communication from a mysterious guy with no image and with no offer to send me an image. I'm going to call him tonight -- hey why not? I'm curious about him, but have absolutely no hopes that he is anything I'm looking for. His profile did not wow me at all. I don't know.....it keeps me kind of out there, interested and hopeful. Maybe one of these days I will actually get a real live date!

surprise! it's a SCAM

So I finally put it all together yesterday realized I have been the victim of a "romance scam." INSANE! I really had no idea these scams existed, but now I know. The ugly truth has descended on me and now I am grappling with the aftermath of decimated dreams and the plummet of hope. I am so thankful that I have had the Lord to trust through all of this. I made some mistakes and I allowed myself to be lured by something that was too good to be true, but I kept submitting it all to the Lord and continued to seek His guidance and wisdom. He ultimately led me to the truth in a relatively short period of time. I have read of people being wrapped up in the scams for months. Many people have lost thousands of dollars to these scams. The scammers wear you down and then bring you in for the kill. My scammer was not able to get that far though I know an attempt to get money out of me was imminent. Thank God I was enlightened just in time. It is a difficult lesson to learn, but I know I will be stronger for it.

I am feeling some emptiness today -- this fantasy has been filling my days for over two weeks now. The need to be loved emotionally and physically is gnawing at me and I don't know what to do about it. I just need to pray I guess and talk to the Lord about it. My friends have been so supportive and encouraging -- it really helps a lot. I am still in this foggy just woke up phase where I realize that it was all a dream and not real. It may take me a while to shake my head and just move forward with my life as it is and will be. I am glad that I have things to keep me busy for the next couple of days. Tough stuff indeed. It would be tempting for me to think that it just doesn't get better, but I will try to resist. I can see where this was a sign that I need to trust in God more and have deeper, more abiding faith. If I can't quite believe that God has good things ahead for me, I can at least see that He is protecting me and loving me right now -- here in the present.

mystery guy emerges

I have so many emotions about my communication with A, but I'm not sure I can sort them out enough in print. Just want to document the tension between thrilling excitement and skeptical fear! On the one hand, he is handsome, charming, interesting and exotic. On the other hand he is mysterious, unknown and effusive. There is still much to learn and evaluate -- prayerfully. Who knows where this will go? One day at a time...

possibility?

I re-live a lesson over and over again. The lesson is to stop trying to figure out things on my own and allow God to be in control. If I allow God to be in control, things fall into place. Not everything is revealed, the clouds don't part and I don't received an audible from God -- but there is ease, movement -- something we often refer to as PEACE. So, I came to that place once again last week when I acknowledged my sin, my manipulation and took myself out of the driver's seat. Your will be done Lord. You direct me. Help me to yield and obey. Show me the way.

If there is a man out there for me, then God will show me and He will bring him to me -- or me to him. Why would I want it any other way? I've screwed this up before and I don't want to make that mistake again. Putting the Lord in control of this area does not mean that I no longer participate (IMO). I will seek out possibilities and pray for discernment and guidance. The trick for me is to stay in the present and not get ahead of things by imagining, or actually fantasizing about what could be. That's where I move into God's realm and I don't belong there.

So this week brought a possible match across my path. A guy online contacted me and we are trying to connect via IM. He is very attractive and seems sweet, but I'm skeptical of anyone I meet in cyberspace so I will be very cautious. Who knows? Well God knows and I need to rely and trust in God's provision and his perfect timing. I need to relax and not force anything and not get my hopes unrealistically high. I don't want to be stressed about this and there is no reason why I should. I want to have fun and enjoy the experience. I won't make mistakes or be stuck in bad situations if I continue to trust in the Lord.