another year to contemplate

Hasta la vista 2008. The year was quite a mixture of highs and lows, but I think the balances weighed on the side of progress. When I think of the past year as a whole, I have a positive feeling. Now as I contemplate the new year, my hope is that I can continue to move onward and upward. Here are some things that I have in mind to shoot for in 2009:

• believe that I can be attractive to normal men -- :)
  
• go on a date -- even if I have to take the risk to be the one to ask someone out (gulp)
• take a grad class (intellectual stimulation)
• continue to work towards stabilizing finances by paying down debt and increasing savings
• seize opportunities to be a better person and help others around me

I HOPE. Gotta stay positive and believe. Happy New Year!

pondering my progress

We had a good divorce recovery meeting last night. A couple of new people came -- one woman who was totally new to us and had quite a unique divorce story. She talked a lot, but it was obvious that she needed to and we all listened intently. Anyway, the subject for our session was new relationships. I've been waiting for this one and it was really helpful. I think it will better prepare me for what may be ahead. It reminded me that my focus needs to be on being emotionally healthy, aware of who I am and constantly tuning my relationship with the Lord. I CAN trust HIM and I NEED to trust HIM for everything in my life, but especially for a future mate. I can be content being alone and I don't need to let it hold me back from doing the things that I'm interested in. The video lesson presented some really good guidelines for dating and new relationships that I'm sure I will be looking back on from time to time. There are some women in our group who are already in serious relationships and I worry about them because it seems like it is too soon. I don't want to make that mistake -- I'm sooooo thankful that God has protected me from getting involved with someone thus far. I can see how it could have really messed me up and prolonged the healing process. It's been good to stand on my own and be introspective about what's down deep inside of me. Just this past week or so I realized that I still have some passive-aggressive tendencies to deal with. My interaction within a ministry at GC has brought that to the surface and it ain't pretty. Thank you Lord for showing that to me so clearly. It's amazing how a "message" will come up several times in several different ways and then like a thunk on the head I "get" it and I see what God is trying to teach me. In our small group last week the "attack and withdrawal" method of relating was discussed and that really helped me see what I was doing. My hormone swing tends to dredge up the dirt of my heart attitude and what I've stuffed comes out -- so I go from withdrawal to attack and then to withdrawal again. Dear me, time to deal with the muck and move past it -- and hopefully learn enough from it to see it coming (instead of going) the next time!

disappear me

I'm emotional and irritable. I wish I could just disappear for a few days until my hormone levels even out. I'm susceptible to saying things that I shouldn't, dwelling on negative thoughts and sinking into a depressed mood. It really would be better for us all if I could just shut myself off from the world for a while.

I think I saw Dr._____ this morning on my way to work. It looked like his car and his profile -- at a cross road about to turn onto the road that I was on. In my rear view mirror, I saw the car turn into an apartment complex (and I know he doesn't live there). I think his office opens later on Thursdays... hmmmmmm .... So, yeah, that didn't do much to lift my mood. I pretty much decided to give up on that fairytale anyway. Way too much wasted energy. I'm staying away from Border's cafe for a while. My next appt. is Jan. 2nd -- let's see what happens then?

blues

I'm feeling rather melancholy today. Maybe it's hormonal, I don't know. My diet is much improved this week, but I haven't exercised at all. I slept pretty well though I woke up early because it was cold in my room. I've put in a full week of work for the first time in several weeks -- work has been kind of boring lately. At least I have things to look forward to this weekend with elder daughter coming home for a visit, movie date, concert at church.

It was probably a mistake to go to Borders twice this week -- He wasn't there either time. I'm torn about this approach -- it's my only chance to encounter him outside of the dentist office, but if he isn't there, I leave feeling like a loser. Pathetic. I'm thinking about it less -- you can only hold on to something that isn't there for so long.

Better to get on with the day...

futile attraction

So, I have a crush on my dentist. I'm attracted to him, but I don't know if he is attracted to me. The dentist office is not the place to hit on someone in my opinion. :-/ I see him once in a while at Border's cafe and every time I do a miserable job of flirting. I saw him two weeks in a row in July and each time he left shortly after I arrived so the interaction was limited to brief small talk. I've been to his office twice in the past week or so because some teeth needed treatment. After the first appointment, he mentioned coffee at Borders and it took me a minute to switch gears from the tooth discussion so I basically blew it. I strategized all week about what I would say or do at the next visit. I also spent a lot of time figuring out what I was going to wear. I guess what I decided on was a good call because he complimented what I was wearing. I said thank you, but once again I missed the uptake. I am so pathetically inept at this! After the procedure when he was explaining what he had done, I tried to hold eye contact -- but I didn't flirt overtly. He has a great chair side manner so I take that as being friendly not necessarily attracted. I don't know his relationship status and that's a problem -- I mean what if he isn't even available? There is no ring, but what does that mean? I feel like such a loser because I don't have the courage to "make a move." I don't want to be inappropriate and I don't want to be a stalker woman. I try not to have high expectations either -- keep the fantasy in check so that it doesn't go so far beyond reality. I just want to know him better -- I want to have a real conversation with him. I like how he hums while he works and chuckles softly at my expressions/reactions. I have this innate ability to torture myself over stuff like this. I prayed about it -- because I'm trying really hard to turn this stuff over to my Lord. It made me cry and it brings tears to my eyes right now. I just feel so lonely and honestly, I feel like waiting for God to intervene will see me old and gray and alone. Yup, how's that for faith? It's like contemplating a prison term -- the possibility for early release exists, but don't count on the parole board.

So back to the dentist -- I find myself wanting to do something desperate to just get the questions answered and move on -- the questions being -- are you single? are you interested? is this even a possibility? But, having done some really stupid things in the past, I must resist and be patient until all is revealed. :) I'm much older and hopefully much wiser now!

updates & musings

It's past the half way point of 2008 and a good time to assess progress towards my goals. The divorce is final -- yipee. My finances are not where I would like them to be since J__ is now three months behind on child support. Thank God I got a great pay raise which has been keeping me from facing dire circumstances. I can't quite make it from paycheck to paycheck, though, given all of the expenses that I've had recently. It frustrates me because I should be in good shape. J__ is such a loser and even given his track record it surprises me that he is such a deadbeat. He changed jobs and gave me all kinds of optimism about catching up, blah, blah. A month has gone by and no support. An income execution is in the works, but it takes time -- too much time. It kills me that I can't help my kids with very real needs because their father isn't sending money. He fails us again and again.

I haven't volunteered very much yet this year. A new divorce support group at church may start in the fall -- I need to find out where that stands. I haven't tithed much since I seem to be constantly trying to get to the next payday. That's probably a poor excuse since tithe is supposed to be first fruits not leftovers. Sigh

So, I've been thinking about the tick tick of time. Some women my age are thinking that they are running out of time to have children. I'm thinking that I'm running out of time to find love. I see the aging taking place -- the last two years have added at least ten years to my life. I used to be told how young I looked -- not any more. There seem to be a lot of women on the hunt for a mate -- and it seems like a lot of them are younger and more attractive than me. I don't think I can attract a man through looks -- I would have to have a long serious conversation to appeal to anyone I think. It sucks to think that I have to have some sort of strategy and put myself out there. I pray for more faith because I don't trust God with this area of my life. I have a hard time believing that God would want me to find someone. I have a hard time believing that a Christian man exists for me. I can't believe that it will just happen someday. I see so many single Christian women who are attractive and wonderful -- and they are alone. Why?

loneliness

Typing the word loneliness made me remember a song that I used to listen to when I was a kid. It was on my parents' Bobby Vinton album -- "Mr. Lonely". It's such a depressing song! Loneliness and depression go hand in hand I guess. Jenna is away for the week -- spring vacation with dad. When she isn't around, I have more time to think about myself -- okay pity myself. I keep thinking of all the things I'd like to do and experience, but have no one to share them with. It's nothing new really. I've never had a partner to share my interests. J_ was always doing his own thing. I'd really love to just talk to someone about interesting stuff, but who? I talk to my friend N_ almost everyday and that keeps me from the edge of insanity, but frankly it's not enough. I've been poking around web sites with chats and blogs, but its not very interesting and doesn't meet my need for interaction. I feel like such a loser to be in this position. I feel like I have so much to offer, but I'm in a room with no windows. It's a pity party day I guess! It's such a beautiful day today and I'm so gloomy. Eh, enough of this....

What now?

I filed for an index number for divorce action this week. It was a bit nerve wracking making sure I had the right papers and signatures. But it's a step in the right direction and I need to get this over with.

some goals for 2008

I like to set some annual goals for myself. I like the satisfaction of checking items off a list and reflecting back on accomplishments. It helps me feel like I'm getting somewhere. I don't get obsessive about it -- don't feel that I must accomplish every single thing or beat myself up for not being where I think I should be. I think having goals is essential. So, my goals for this year are in no particular order:

1) finalize my divorce -- it's time for closure and release (not for him, but for me!)
2) stabilize my finances -- I need to set up all my regular bills on autopay and est. a deduction that goes directly into my savings account. Hopefully this will keep me more disciplined and get me through times when the child support is late.
3) lose the excess pounds that I gained during the separation and stop blaming my eating habits on stress
4) run (not walk!) a 5k -- the Corporate Challenge in May
5) volunteer my time on a regular basis
6) tithe consistently
7) start or get involved in a support group for divorced women

That seems like a good challenging list. Let's see where it takes me!