Dear Dick #4

Hello, my love,

I'm just back from a long walk and lots of thought and prayer time. I hope I can clearly articulate what I'm feeling. First and foremost, I love you with all of my heart. There is no one that I would rather be with than you. I imagine spending my life with you and I believe I'm willing to sacrifice whatever it takes to do that. I've waited a long time for this kind of love and I am so grateful for it. I cherish you.

We've talked about our physical relationship many times and we've both felt the conviction over and over. You know that I desire you and I want to please you in this way. The bottom line is that it's sin and it's a spiritual block for us. It hinders my prayers and I believe it hinders you in more ways than one. Hindsight is 20/20 and our foresight is blurry at best. I hope that I can be more committed than ever to abstain -- I hope WE can be more committed. I know without a doubt that I can feel close to you without having sex. I DO feel close to you without it. My most treasured memories are of our quiet moments and the things we have experienced together. I've always thought (and proselytized to my kids) that sex between a husband and wife is better anyway. You may not agree -- but think about the possibility that it could be true!

I know you once had a frigid wife and that undoubtedly contributed to your sexual issues. I also know that men who have loving, sexually active wives are still enslaved to porn and succumb to temptation. I'd be a fool to think that I could ever be an antidote for you. I can already see that reality is not living up to your fantasies. One of my fears is that you will always want more than you could ever realistically obtain -- that you will choose to live in your head rather than appreciate and enjoy what you actually have. I will need assurance that you have self-control -- especially control over your thoughts -- that you are able to love and be loved with realistic expectations. I hope I've shown that I will give all that I have to you. I have a strong need for security and if your attentions are elsewhere I'll feel adrift.

Your spiritual well-being is of enormous importance to me. I fear for you right now because, if you are letting doubt cloud your thinking, your guard is down and the enemy's arrows are getting in. I don't think it is an overstatement to say that you are in great danger. Last night I committed myself to daily fervent prayer on your behalf. I hope you will also pray fervently every day. Confess all of your feelings to the Lord and ask him to help you -- BELIEVE that he will! Please consider this: your thoughts and feelings have an impact on ME. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I will support you with all of my strength, if your focus is overcoming your struggles. If you choose to be like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind, then I'll have to jump ship.

This relationship will fail if God is not at the very foundation of it. There is just too much against us if we don't put Christ at the center. Your doubts and 'addiction' -- my insecurities and fears, etc. We haven't done the best job of putting him at the center, but we can change that. I believe with all of my heart that it is God's intention for us to be helpmates to each other. Given free will, however, we both have the ability to destroy what was intended for good. I know that you can be strong and faithful -- I NEED you to be strong and faithful.

I hope I haven't been too preachy! Please don't be afraid to share your feelings with me. I feel disconnected from you when you're not telling me how you feel. I like to hear about your work and your daily activities, but I also need to hear what's on your heart.

All my love,
Amy