failure is not an option

I looked at JAR's grades online this morning. My worst fears were realized. He failed at least two classes (one more grade to be posted). I have a mixture of feelings. Deep disappointment, helplessness, anger, etc. I don't know how to reach him. I don't know quite what to do. Right now, I'm thinking that I just need to be calm and rational. I want to approach this problem in a thoughtful, pragmatic manner. So, I'm planning to sit down with my son tonight and begin by getting the picture from his point of view. If he wants to be in college and shows any desire to succeed, then I'm going to suggest we work on a plan of action. I'm envisioning some sort of plan/contract -- some structure for him to work within to get on the right track. Depending on how that conversation goes, I may consult with a pastor for some advice.

It's problems like this that make me feel very alone and vulnerable. I don't have anyone to lean on and to share the burden. I pray, oh yes, I pray and I know that God is in control and that he is my rock. It's so intangible though isn't it? When I have the opportunity to get down on my knees and dump it all at Jesus' feet, maybe then I will feel some relief and belief that I am not really alone.

missing some male attention

I dressed up a bit today -- got out the only skirt that looks decent on me. It felt good, but I miss having a guy notice what I'm wearing and maybe even throwing out a compliment. My girlfriends will compliment me, but let's face it -- it's not the same! The sense of being attractive is nebulous when there is no one out there to affirm it. I guess next to being hugged and kissed, I miss having someone say -- hey you look great. Ah well, better not think about it too much!

false positive match

Ok.... so I talked to R on Wednesday night. Interesting conversation....and not all in a good way. There were some positive things -- he's a Christian and attends a church that my friends go to; he seemed very understanding about my divorce since his parents are divorced.... but, I definitely got some weird vibes. His manner of conversation, references to his mother, stories about his youth, making a big deal about working out at Bally's (I couldn't care less), the appearance of inflexibility (i.e. he seems a little uptight) and another slight annoyance - he took another phone call and put me on hold.

So, novice that I am, I went ahead and scheduled a date with him anyway. I'm thinking at this point that I just need to get out there and get the first date behind me.

Information that I've found in combination with my analysis of the phone conversation really puts me off this guy. I kinda of have that icky feeling that comes when I'm uncomfortable and fear that I'll get stuck in something that I have to extricate myself from.

could it be?

Well despite my misgivings about online dating, I may actually have a couple of possibilities!!! I've been communicating with two guys at the same time....yeah....shocking! I'm not super excited about either one, but I think that they are both dating material. I'm going to call R tonight and possibly set up a date. I'm attracted to his picture (though he looks a little like JMR so that could be a problem, lol) and the basic information I have about him is positive. I don't have a good feel for him yet though. He's four years younger and has never been married. The other guy, T, is trying really hard, but seems nice. It's funny how he has picked through my profile and responded to everything he thinks we have in common. He's four years older, divorced and has 3 kids. Sooooooo, we'll see where this all goes. It's high time I got out there and mingled!! More blogging material ahead I'm sure....

musings

The ex is weird and stuck in the same place he has been for years. It's difficult for me to talk to him because I keep thinking -- you are SO messed up. He tells me last night that he and JM are no longer a couple -- they're just roommates. "It's working out better this way." "It was like was like being with my sister -- weird." First of all, I really don't want to know. Second, he's been with this woman for TWO years and he's just figuring out that he doesn't have any chemistry with her?! Wow. I had a feeling all along that he just wanted someone to take care of him and help out with the bills, but geesh. He keeps asking me how everything is with me and I don't tell him anything except what's going on with the kids. I really don't want him knowing anything about my personal life. I like having him out of my life as much as possible.

So I recently faced an awkward social invitation situation where having a partner or date could have been handy. Now I'm wondering if I should except the invitation -- will it be really awkward if I come alone? I also have a feeling that everyone else on the invitation list is at least 20 yrs. older than me!

I actually had a full social calendar last weekend and (gasp!) I may have something lined up for both Fri. and Sat. nights this weekend. Then I'll be with my parents in Rochester, oldest daughter is coming home (yipee!!) and then Thanksgiving weekend with the fam. Life is good.

I might try eharmony free communication weekend again. I'm VERY suspect of getting sucked into a subscription. They generally dangle someone promising in front of you (I seriously wonder if these people get some kind of kick back), the get you to subscribe, the attractive guy pulls out and then all further "matches" are just wrong and it gets frustrating. Oh well, as long as I stick to just browsing I guess I have nothing to loose.

random thoughts

Jared's not talking to me and I don't understand why. Danger signals. I'm worried.

Jenna hates when I get emotional. No comfort there.

I saw a picture of him today. The thoughts had quieted, but now they're back. I imagine him to be the one, but what do I know. I don't even have a chance do I.

I'm tired and I want to cry.

online dating sucks

At first I was leery of online dating because it felt like I was putting too much of myself out there and I didn't trust the electronic version of a man. I communicated with a couple of guys and either they dumped me or I felt really uncomfortable with them. I settled upon eharmony as the best online dating method because it's not like shopping for a guy -- it's an invisible system of matching that delivers up the matches that are supposedly based on who you are and your personality. Sure. My first experience with eharmony was limited to a close geographical area and the matches were few. They resort to "flexible matching" which is VERY loose in my opinion -- marginally employed and uneducated guys who live with their mothers are NOT a matches for me! So, this time, I widen the net across the U.S.A. -- except some states that I'd rather not step foot in. I was optimistic that some interesting guys, who I could at least correspond with, would be matched with me. After two months and many so-called matches, there has not been one single guy who really grabbed my attention. Either they are physically unattractive, non-spiritual or lacking in intelligence. I see attractive guys all the time -- not drop dead gorgeous, just attractive -- and ALWAYS married. I really thought that somewhere among millions of men there might be an unattached, attractive, Godly, mid-40s guy on eharmony. Ha!! I'm discouraged because the chances of meeting the right guy around here is minuscule and I know many attractive, single, 40+ women who are also looking -- so the competition is stiff!! I look at all these married people and I wonder -- how in the world did they find each other?? Oh wait, I know, they met when they were younger and there was more to choose from! I'm seriously going to be alone for the rest of my life!!! My potential attractive qualities are diminishing every day so it's not going to get any easier. Lord, can you just drop a guy for me out of the sky..... thanks. It's so frustrating that I wasted the best of myself on some idiot like JMR and whatever I have left is bottled up inside because I have no one to give it to. It's just going to dry up and whither away. ughhhh.

overwhelmed

It's been a crazy week. It's always like this when sports start and I have to figure out how to get Jenna to practice, get the stuff that she needs and get myself to work all at the same time. It was a busy week at work with freshmen orientation and open house events. Then two evening meetings and other stuff to think about. Jenna has no concept about how much I'm juggling and how much I bend over backwards to accommodate her needs and her schedule. Getting Jared to college, being an adviser to Jasmine and all Jenna's stuff is all on me. James is completely removed from it all and can't even provide monetary support to help relieve some of my responsibility. It's ridiculous and sad that he has no problem letting me bear all of the parenting burden. I'm so tired... His pathetic unemployment is putting the child support further and further behind. He hasn't reimbursed me for Jenna's expenses and I'm sure he justifies it quite well in his warped mind. Doesn't he realize that his daughter needs therapy because he has abandoned her???

So all this stuff goes on this week and then I crash here alone on Friday night. Alone with my thoughts, alone with my coping, alone with my feelings of hopelessness. I'm beginning to think that I'm never going to be able to be in a relationship again. There's too much going against me.

I fall short

I feel an overwhelming sense of inadequacy. I've made so many mistakes -- mistakes that are not easy to overcome and I wonder if I will ever be able to rise above them. Marrying the wrong person will probably haunt me for the rest of my life. Financial mistakes continue to make me feel insecure and cause me an immense amount of stress. The child support is behind again and I have no idea how much or when I'll get any. I keep kicking myself for being dependent on the support and trusting that J will do what's right. I just sent him receipts for camp and counseling with no expectation that he will send me the money. Pathetic. I plead for God's mercy and pray that my stupidity will be forgiven and that my children will not be cursed by my bad judgment. I know my family loves me, but they just can't possibly understand what I'm going through. I even feel like I don't have a right to feel this way -- there are so many people in worse circumstances than me. I'm so sad and I just want to disappear. I am in despair.

so emotional...

I'm so emotional lately. I feel so scattered... one of the many things bouncing around in my mind is that summer is ahead and I have nothing to look forward to. The only sure plan is the college trip to Tennessee in August. Instead of fun, my calendar is filling up with duties. I feel like I'm getting swallowed up into nothingness -- more and more dull by the moment.

Mary L. related her dating disasters to me last night which served to make me feel even more hopeless about future relationships. Are all men such dastardly dogs?

I'm beginning to conjure up some solo adventure for myself. Where could I go? What could I do? Get me out of my life for a couple of days? Certainly deserves some further thought and investigation...

I wish I knew you

Things have been really busy lately -- #1 child graduation, #3 child prom, meetings and work stuff -- but I've had a bout of loneliness that I can't quite shake. It's probably because I dwell on the thoughts instead of focusing on other things. I had two intense dreams in the same week -- one about Dr. G and the other about a long lost friend who I was kind of in love with for a while. In both dreams I was hugged and kissed -- something I secretly long for. Anyway, in the case of Dr. G I'm back to the tendency of strategizing how I could make something happen with him. It's pretty stupid, but I'm desperate I guess. I haven't seen him in weeks -- haven't been to Border's in a while and didn't see him there this week. I was pretty disappointed because I was feeling pretty confident about flirting with him. Oh well. Back to the dreams.... I haven't seen or communicated with Stephen in 17 years. I've often thought of writing a letter to him -- started a few -- but never followed through. Well this time I did. I don't expect any response from him. It's not his style. It was satisfying for me to finally reach out of the past and tap him on the shoulder -- so to speak. I wish I knew either of these men as friends that I could talk to about anything.

The nice weather exacerbates my loneliness because there is more to do and still no one to do it with. It all feels rather hopeless. I should pray more about it.

I just don't know...

I think I need a vacation. Really. I need to get away. I'll have some time off next week, but it's going to be a busy time not a restful one. College graduation in Philly and then back home for prom. It will be fun I hope, but not restful. I feel like I just need to be able to think and to pray ---- and to sleep! Stuff has just been wearing me down.

catching up

Life has been kinda crazy lately. It would be great if things could just slow down a little. List of activities in the last two weeks: family court hearing for FOUR petitions filed against me by ex (I should have blogged about that!); two/three hour mentor training sessions; prom dress fittings for JBR; A LOT of preparations for Palm Sunday, Tenebrae and Easter services; board meetings; two big projects & related meetings at work; annual review; plus the usual routine of driving JBR to/from activities. Then yesterday -- JBR's trip to Philly had me off the stress charts! Missed bus, just made train, would she make it to the bus out of NYC in five minutes?!?!?, on the phone while she wanders around trying to find the right bus, miracuously makes it on the bus, will she connect with big sis who has no cell phone???, they find each other and she arrives safe & sound.... whew! Lots of answered prayer!! God is soooo good.

So with all this craziness, my diet sucks and even though the weather has been nice, I don't have time to get out and walk. Finally walked 2 mi. w/ N last evening -- while JBR was on the train. Need to get out again tonight and fight the flab!

it was a happy birthday

I'm thinking back on yesterday -- my birthday and I conclude that it was a happy birthday. I had a great day that should be chronicled here so that I remember how good it can be... to be me. :) It was gorgeous sunny warm spring day! Oh thank you God for that! I went for a 3 mile walk in the morning -- a great way to start the day. When I got back from my walk, there was a FTD box on the doorstep. Oldest daughter sent me a lovely flower bouquet with peach roses. I checked my email and facebook and there were a bunch of birthday wishes from friends. I then headed out to do a bit of shopping and got a blouse at JCP for $3! Met T__ at TGI Friday's for a long lunch. Then it was off to ASI for my first ever facial. It was awesome!!! I felt so pampered -- definetly the best thing to do on my b-day -- some self indulgence. Youngest daughter and I had some Chinese food for dinner (really lousy food unfortunately) and then a yummy rich chocolate raspberry torte later for dessert. C__ stopped over with a thoughtful gift. Brother T__ called and chatted for a while. Son came through with a card & gift to cap off the day. Felt very loved by friends and family!

I'd have to say that the birthdays have significantly improved sans husband -- even though I'm getting older and feel my odds of coupling again diminish.

tired, restless...winter blues?

I'm in a funk of some sort. It's kind of hard to explain and I really haven't taken the time to analyze my feelings. I think it all began with our drama in January and the realization that I had to manage yet another crisis on my own. Then the mid-winter visitation and face to face with J__ -- which brought on the resurgence of that feeling of insecurity that I always used to have with him. Realizing again that this man can not be counted on or trusted. Then the summons to court and J's plea to reduce the child support (ahem, because he is a LOSER). All this and my abismal social life sans male companionship and the hopelessness that this will change anytime soon. Knowledge that the only man I would consider is involved with someone else. Seeing the signs of aging on my face (and breaking out a lot lately -- what's with that??) and filling out my clothes a little too much -- hating the number on the scale. Lack of energy and motivation. It's all quite depressing!

Hopefully, I'm on the verge of breaking out of these doldrums. I'm thinking about running -- I want to run. I need warmer weather! I'm thinking of broadening my horizons and getting involved with a new activity. Something other than work or church related -- something active. I'm thinking that I need to stop thinking so much about Dr. ___. So if I could put these thoughts into action...

gotta watch it

I'm in one of those funky moods today. A day when I should be secluded from humanity and left to my own devices. Youngest daughter will be returning from six days with dad and the adjustment from that much time away can be tricky. I need to be careful and conscious of my tendency to want her to just download all information so I know everything that happened. I hate having to play 20 questions in order to get anything out of her.

I'm really not happy with J___ right now. He's such a blowhard and a liar -- and still stuck in the same old cycles. On one hand, I am so glad that I don't have to deal with his nonsense on a daily basis. On the other hand, I get antsy about whether people (the kids, family, friends that he has contact with) buy what he says. It's pointless, of course, for me to have anxiety about this. I have to trust in my God to provide for all of our needs regardless of Jim's choices and failures. I also have to trust in the truth -- that it will prevail.

now you show up?

The father of my children has been largely absent for three years. This past year, our 16 yr old has been with her father for less than 14 days total. I can count the number of visits with the older kids on one hand. He has not been present for any of their finest moments. Score a goal, mom cheers. Nail that solo part, mom cheers. Give a heart gripping performance, mom weeps. Fix the car, mom is relieved. Dean's list, mom gushes with pride. Trip to Italy, mom wants to go! Apply for college, mom gets the info. Dad has not been the go to parent for any of their troubles -- minor to major. When the car breaks down, call mom. When the boyfriend is a jerk, call mom. When sick and need emergency care, call mom. When grades are failing, the teacher calls mom. Recuperating from surgery, mom nurses. Need money, call mom. Need a ride, call mom. Get in trouble, call mom. etc, etc.

So when youngest daughter has to face her 15 min. of shame, Dad suddenly is interested in being present?! Please no, I say. This is not the time to play daddy. Show up when she shines, when she will be eager for your praise. Don't make this harder than it already is.

more parenting in the rough

Most of the time I'm not aware that I'm in this parenting thing alone. Sometimes I can't be in two places at once, but I usually work it out somehow. It's generally easier than dealing with an irrational, selfish, absent parent. Once in a while things happen that make me realize the difficulty of shouldering the responsibility alone. It kind of hits me between the eyes and I feel a deep sadness that my children can't count on their father to be there for them when things get tough. Youngest daughter did something really stupid with some potentially serious consequences and I have to handle the fall out. Thank GOD for His wisdom and guidance because I couldn't get through this stuff without my heavenly father. I am not so alone afterall. I endure the bitterness of the ex, knowing that I am doing the best that I can -- and my kids, as great as they are, will make mistakes that I can not prevent. Few kids get to adulthood without making some stupid choices. The goal is to get them there without having to endure lifelong consequences.

what do I have to offer?

I would say that around 50 percent of the time I'm content being single. There is a part of me that is uncomfortable about the idea of having to share my space, my stuff and my time with someone else. Not to mention the "just-out-of-bed-in-the-morning Amy," who is quite scary to behold. But I'm really only okay with this singleness if it's temporary. Living the rest of my life alone is NOT a pleasant thought at all. I tend to focus on the fact that I'm in my early 40's and aging rapidly -- therefore time seems to be running out on me. It may be helpful to focus on the positives instead and be cognizant of what I have to offer out there on the dating/marriage market. So here goes....

I'm not ugly -- not gorgeous, but not ugly. In my mind, I pass for attractive when I'm about 10-15 lbs. lighter than I am right now. This, by the way, is attainable since I was 10 lbs. lighter about 8 months ago! The disruption to my exercise schedule in the fall always sets me back, but I digress... I care about my appearance -- not fashion savvy, but try to avoid looking like a schlep. I have nice eyes with changing hues and an expressive countenance. I'm intelligent, not a genius, not a scholar, but educated and informed enough to converse intelligently. I have sense of humor, a bit sarcastic perhaps, but I can be pretty light-hearted. I have a decent career with future potential. I have a variety of interests so hopefully I'm not too boring. I'm healthy and try to strive towards a healthy lifestyle -- not passionate about it though. I do have passion though! I'm easy going and fairly confident in myself. I'm not needy or over emotional. Yadda yadda yadda. I feel like I'm writing a resume! Just think positive Amy -- you are a human being with lots to offer and worthy of love. :-)

identifying the ideal mate

I read somewhere that a woman made a list of attributes of the ideal man for her and then prayed over this list until God brought that man into her life. I like this idea -- not because I think that the right man will magically appear, but because I think it will keep me focused -- prayerfully focused. It's easy to identify what I don't like or don't want, but more difficult to define what I really need and want. So here is my list divided into needs and wants.

Needs

• devoted follower of Christ -- faith is a natural extension of his life; involved in a church
  
• financially stable -- solid profession; wise with money
• educated -- college degree; continues to learn
• stable family life
• honest and up front; open and at ease
• emotionally balanced
• pursues a healthy lifestyle with exercise and moderate diet
• unselfish -- puts others first; flexible; shows genuine interest in other people; attentive
  
• willingness to experience new things; interests are varied
• physically attractive (difficult to define, but I know it when I see it)
  
• confident but humble
• no addictions of any kind
  

Wants

• reader
• sports fan
• expressive eyes (perhaps blue?)
  
• music lover --appreciates musical performance
  
• graduate degree
• likes to be outside -- hiking, outdoor sports
• resourceful
• does not want more biological children
• has hair (lol)
  
• well traveled -- wants to travel

and the answer is.....

Write off the dentist -- he's dating one of the dental hygienists in his office. How cliché! I'm satisfied that I was able to get the information that I needed, but bummed that it wasn't the answer that I'd hoped for. Life goes on. I basically blew an opportunity almost exactly one year ago -- but I can't go down the road of regret -- it's not worth wasting time on the analysis. Things happen for a reason. God is in control. I can stop the futile fantasy now and move on to more constructive thoughts. Unfortunately, I have another appointment on Monday and then a few weeks after that. This will make it difficult to shut off the thoughts! I'm going to try to stop worrying about how to flirt and be noticed -- and just be a pleasant patient. :-)