discombobulated

Two hours on the phone with DFS last night -- a very pleasant conversation. I don't know what to think about it all, though. I don't know where this will go and I'm afraid! I don't have a strong feeling... but maybe that is a good thing. I am going to do everything in my power to make a visit happen next weekend. Going to MA on Saturday and hope to have a lot of time to spend on a "date" with DFS. I think it is time for a chemistry test! I'm struggling with a lot of mixed feelings & thoughts today. I feel so ordinary -- like I haven't lived a full life and am therefore terribly boring. The ex is extremely talented and cultured. He is much more cultured than I. I live through books and dreams, but have experienced so little. I hate that I was caged with a schmuck for so long -- confined to mediocrity and strife. I don't know what I have to offer... My dear friend reminds me that I have a heart and beauty (NOT) and intelligence to bring, but I have my doubts. I've never struggled with self-confidence like this before. I need to remind myself that nothing ventured is nothing gained. So what if it doesn't work out? It's OKAY! Savor the moment and don't look too far ahead -- I don't have to have the rest of my life planned out. I will not get stuck -- ever again! I can say no. I can say maybe. I can be rejected and survive it. There is more than one opportunity. There are more fish in the sea. I WILL be just right for someone. I need to just BE ME and let the chips fall. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God loves me. He is able to do immeasurably more than I could ask for or imagine!!!

what's in a name?

It's high time I wrote about my new match interest! We have been communicating for just over a week and all is well so far. He is real! We have a lot in common and have some interesting geographical connections. He lives near my brother, is originally from central NY (where I have family as well) and he has literally biked past my father's farm. Little things --perhaps -- but interesting just the same. I am really enjoying getting to know him! We've talked just once on the phone but it was a pleasant conversation and would have gone on longer than it did had I not had to cut it short. We have this interesting dilemma about our names -- his is a slang term that is used and abused; mine happens to be the same as his ex-wife! I am cautiously optimistic and just letting things move along naturally and realistically. It is impossible to really measure someone up until you meet them in person. I would like to make that happen sooner rather than later. So I think a trip to MA is in order! More to come.... I hope!