processing ...

It's been a long time since I last made a journal entry here. All of my processing over the last three months has taken the form of email messages to my bf. I realize today that I need to process some things about the relationship outside of his purview. There is just so much stuff to get out. What started as a whirlwind romance -- a surreal connection beyond my wildest hopes, has become a reality of challenges and difficulty that relationships inevitably face. Perhaps more difficulty in some ways than should be. After being in such a long arduous marriage, I hate even the thought of difficulty. Perhaps I analyze things too much and feel too deeply to have a flawless relationship with any man. DFS is a wonderful human being. There is so much that I love about him . . . but there are issues. I have this determination that makes me think that I can handle major issues -- if it comes with great reward. There are complications beyond our control -- DISTANCE -- a 200 mile chasm between NE MA and Albany, NY. It's incredibly difficult to maintain a relationship two day or three days a visit with as much as two weeks in between. The momentum is lacking and the connection has to keep being reestablished. It's very frustrating. Daily phone conversations (albeit lengthy ones) and email messages are not enough. There are other struggles -- the physical relationship that we both want, but realize is wrong for us right now -- outside of marriage is outside of God's will. So last night we hashed that all out and it was agonizing. I feel such guilt for not restraining myself and allowing myself to be a stumbling block to DFS. I knew in my heart all along that it had to be a hindrance to him -- his issues, his healing, etc. I'm still reeling from all of this and as I do, I feel a lack of assurance from DFS. Some of the things he says makes me feel insecure in his commitment to me. I think he is still figuring out whether this relationship can be something permanent. I wonder if he will EVER feel confident enough to trust and pursue marriage. This makes me extremely uneasy because I don't want to invest my love and devotion to someone who is eventually going to pull the plug and break my heart. I almost feel the need to pull back -- way back -- and see if he pursues me. It's taking all my will power to keep from sending him an email message today. I just made this major decision -- I bought a new car! -- and I so want to tell him about it, but I also feel like I need to hold back a little. Since our conversation last night, I sense this imbalance -- me wanting him more than he wants me. Maybe that's a distorted perception, I don't know. What I heard was this: "I have my home and my daughter and a routine to my life -- apart and away from you. So while the distance is difficult, it's a buffer -- I still have my own refuge." That's what I heard -- not sure if he meant it to be received that way. Now that we have the sin issue cleared up -- that blockage caused by ignoring God's will and serving the needs of the flesh -- my praying is in earnest once again. I'm praying that I will be able to trust God completely -- let go of all that I've been grasping on to. I know if I trust the Lord with everything in my life, I will have peace and I will have clear direction. I don't have to worry about what the future holds.