struggling but waiting

I'm really struggling. I don't know what I'm supposed to think. I have thoughts -- just have difficulty determining if they are warranted or correct. I don't know what I'm supposed to feel. I have strong feelings, but they're suppressed because I'm not free to share them. I don't know how I'm supposed to behave. There are actions that I want to take, but I restrain myself because I don't know what the rules are or I question my motives or I decide that I'm not supposed to make the first move. I also try to logically predict the future based on what I know to be true -- or is it what I think is true? Ha, like that's even possible! Then I'll do an about-face and think of the worst possible scenario to prepare myself for that possibility. It's literally a 24 hour analysis. It consumes every spare minute of the day and I wake up several times during the night. I'm pretty sure I dream about it, too. I'm praying throughout this process -- sometimes for long periods of time. I'm praying in earnest with fervor and I feel God is close when I pray -- almost like he is sitting right next to me with an attentive ear. I see that God is teaching me to surrender control and trust him. I see that. Really, I do. There have been times when I've asked for peace and I've felt it -- until I allow my anxiety to seep in and take over again.

So I write all this and then what? I wonder if I'm supposed to send it to you. Is this allowed? Is this invading your space? Is this troubling you when you are self-focused? Will you think I'm neurotic? Does this feed into your doubt about me? Is this breaking some unspoken code of silence? Do I have a right to express any of my thoughts or feelings? Is this pushing forward instead of pulling back? Am I trying to grasp for some control of a situation that is supposed to be out of my control?

I'm not going to send this by email. I'll post it here and wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.