updates & musings

It's past the half way point of 2008 and a good time to assess progress towards my goals. The divorce is final -- yipee. My finances are not where I would like them to be since J__ is now three months behind on child support. Thank God I got a great pay raise which has been keeping me from facing dire circumstances. I can't quite make it from paycheck to paycheck, though, given all of the expenses that I've had recently. It frustrates me because I should be in good shape. J__ is such a loser and even given his track record it surprises me that he is such a deadbeat. He changed jobs and gave me all kinds of optimism about catching up, blah, blah. A month has gone by and no support. An income execution is in the works, but it takes time -- too much time. It kills me that I can't help my kids with very real needs because their father isn't sending money. He fails us again and again.

I haven't volunteered very much yet this year. A new divorce support group at church may start in the fall -- I need to find out where that stands. I haven't tithed much since I seem to be constantly trying to get to the next payday. That's probably a poor excuse since tithe is supposed to be first fruits not leftovers. Sigh

So, I've been thinking about the tick tick of time. Some women my age are thinking that they are running out of time to have children. I'm thinking that I'm running out of time to find love. I see the aging taking place -- the last two years have added at least ten years to my life. I used to be told how young I looked -- not any more. There seem to be a lot of women on the hunt for a mate -- and it seems like a lot of them are younger and more attractive than me. I don't think I can attract a man through looks -- I would have to have a long serious conversation to appeal to anyone I think. It sucks to think that I have to have some sort of strategy and put myself out there. I pray for more faith because I don't trust God with this area of my life. I have a hard time believing that God would want me to find someone. I have a hard time believing that a Christian man exists for me. I can't believe that it will just happen someday. I see so many single Christian women who are attractive and wonderful -- and they are alone. Why?