vent from the past

11/29/2005

I guess it’s time to get out some of the thoughts that have been swirling in my mind, if only to clear my head and press on with the business of the day. Several weeks ago, I started to close in again and shut down my emotions. I get to a point where it appears that every effort that I am making becomes null and void. I reach out – put myself out there – because I feel in my heart that it’s the right thing to do. Be kind, be loving, extend a hand, breach the void, set aside the disappointment, put the needs of Jim first… It’s difficult at first because the motives are not trusted, but then there is usually a good spot when Jim realizes that he’s getting what he wants and there’s peace. It is only skin deep, however. When we get to the core issues and look at them, the relationship begins to break down again. I pull back because I get tired and fed up. I take my eyes off Jesus and start looking at the muck I’m in – and I get sucked into the pit.

Jim is easily distracted onto a treadmill of self-improvement tactics that get him nowhere. Lately it’s been the new job opportunity which is going to set him straight. If he works hard at his job, he doesn’t have to look at what’s inside of him and he doesn’t have to deal with it. He doesn’t have to give up anything because he can apparently balance it with a lot of good effort – or maybe he thinks that once he is successful at his job, he’ll be able to give up the vices. The problem as he sees it – is that I’m not cooperating. He’s right in a way – I’m playing into his hands so to speak. Because I’ve withdrawn, I am providing veracity to all that he believes about me – I ignore him, I don’t respect him, I control everything, etc., etc. The thing is – he says this about me whenever he gets angry – even when I am doing everything I can to reach out to him. So, here I am, damned if I do and damned if I don’t. And here I am at the crux of the matter, Jim continues to spin a reality that makes him the underdog, that puts him under my heel in some way, a “whatever” -- “it doesn’t matter” mindset. His guilt puts me in a position of judge. Because I don’t condone his behavior and I call him to account, then I am judging him. If I ask him about how much money he is making or where he spends his evenings, then I’m saying that I’m better than him – that he is a sinner and I’m not – I’m judging. It’s a distraction technique – point the finger at me and I’ll just point it back to you. His guilt becomes resentment pointed full force at me. I continue to be the scapegoat for his self worth.

I don’t like to talk to Jim because everything I say is taken as an attack and responded to with defense and resentment. He quickly swirls into an emotional tailspin. Even talking about our children quickly becomes an emotionally charged exchange. I have given up – it’s just banging my head against a wall and I’d rather not.

I have never respected James. Never. I felt embarrassed by him very early in our relationship. There are a multitude of things that I dislike about him. I don’t like the way he thinks. I don’t like the way he relates to people. I don’t like what he does with his time. I don’t like – don’t even know – his friends. He is a poor judge of character. He shirks his responsibilities. It is so ironic that at just the point that I was figuring all this out so many years ago, I became pregnant. I trapped myself into a life sentence. Ever the optimist I thought it would all work out somehow.

Lately, I just tell the Lord about my frustrations and hope that he hears me. My hope is that he will provide some way out of this conundrum before I lose my sanity and before my family completely falls apart. I understand that suffering is necessary; I really do. I wonder how much of my suffering is self inflicted – have I tolerated too much? Is there no protection? Is there no treatment? Is there no rescue?