pondering my progress

We had a good divorce recovery meeting last night. A couple of new people came -- one woman who was totally new to us and had quite a unique divorce story. She talked a lot, but it was obvious that she needed to and we all listened intently. Anyway, the subject for our session was new relationships. I've been waiting for this one and it was really helpful. I think it will better prepare me for what may be ahead. It reminded me that my focus needs to be on being emotionally healthy, aware of who I am and constantly tuning my relationship with the Lord. I CAN trust HIM and I NEED to trust HIM for everything in my life, but especially for a future mate. I can be content being alone and I don't need to let it hold me back from doing the things that I'm interested in. The video lesson presented some really good guidelines for dating and new relationships that I'm sure I will be looking back on from time to time. There are some women in our group who are already in serious relationships and I worry about them because it seems like it is too soon. I don't want to make that mistake -- I'm sooooo thankful that God has protected me from getting involved with someone thus far. I can see how it could have really messed me up and prolonged the healing process. It's been good to stand on my own and be introspective about what's down deep inside of me. Just this past week or so I realized that I still have some passive-aggressive tendencies to deal with. My interaction within a ministry at GC has brought that to the surface and it ain't pretty. Thank you Lord for showing that to me so clearly. It's amazing how a "message" will come up several times in several different ways and then like a thunk on the head I "get" it and I see what God is trying to teach me. In our small group last week the "attack and withdrawal" method of relating was discussed and that really helped me see what I was doing. My hormone swing tends to dredge up the dirt of my heart attitude and what I've stuffed comes out -- so I go from withdrawal to attack and then to withdrawal again. Dear me, time to deal with the muck and move past it -- and hopefully learn enough from it to see it coming (instead of going) the next time!

disappear me

I'm emotional and irritable. I wish I could just disappear for a few days until my hormone levels even out. I'm susceptible to saying things that I shouldn't, dwelling on negative thoughts and sinking into a depressed mood. It really would be better for us all if I could just shut myself off from the world for a while.

I think I saw Dr._____ this morning on my way to work. It looked like his car and his profile -- at a cross road about to turn onto the road that I was on. In my rear view mirror, I saw the car turn into an apartment complex (and I know he doesn't live there). I think his office opens later on Thursdays... hmmmmmm .... So, yeah, that didn't do much to lift my mood. I pretty much decided to give up on that fairytale anyway. Way too much wasted energy. I'm staying away from Border's cafe for a while. My next appt. is Jan. 2nd -- let's see what happens then?