blues

I'm feeling rather melancholy today. Maybe it's hormonal, I don't know. My diet is much improved this week, but I haven't exercised at all. I slept pretty well though I woke up early because it was cold in my room. I've put in a full week of work for the first time in several weeks -- work has been kind of boring lately. At least I have things to look forward to this weekend with elder daughter coming home for a visit, movie date, concert at church.

It was probably a mistake to go to Borders twice this week -- He wasn't there either time. I'm torn about this approach -- it's my only chance to encounter him outside of the dentist office, but if he isn't there, I leave feeling like a loser. Pathetic. I'm thinking about it less -- you can only hold on to something that isn't there for so long.

Better to get on with the day...

futile attraction

So, I have a crush on my dentist. I'm attracted to him, but I don't know if he is attracted to me. The dentist office is not the place to hit on someone in my opinion. :-/ I see him once in a while at Border's cafe and every time I do a miserable job of flirting. I saw him two weeks in a row in July and each time he left shortly after I arrived so the interaction was limited to brief small talk. I've been to his office twice in the past week or so because some teeth needed treatment. After the first appointment, he mentioned coffee at Borders and it took me a minute to switch gears from the tooth discussion so I basically blew it. I strategized all week about what I would say or do at the next visit. I also spent a lot of time figuring out what I was going to wear. I guess what I decided on was a good call because he complimented what I was wearing. I said thank you, but once again I missed the uptake. I am so pathetically inept at this! After the procedure when he was explaining what he had done, I tried to hold eye contact -- but I didn't flirt overtly. He has a great chair side manner so I take that as being friendly not necessarily attracted. I don't know his relationship status and that's a problem -- I mean what if he isn't even available? There is no ring, but what does that mean? I feel like such a loser because I don't have the courage to "make a move." I don't want to be inappropriate and I don't want to be a stalker woman. I try not to have high expectations either -- keep the fantasy in check so that it doesn't go so far beyond reality. I just want to know him better -- I want to have a real conversation with him. I like how he hums while he works and chuckles softly at my expressions/reactions. I have this innate ability to torture myself over stuff like this. I prayed about it -- because I'm trying really hard to turn this stuff over to my Lord. It made me cry and it brings tears to my eyes right now. I just feel so lonely and honestly, I feel like waiting for God to intervene will see me old and gray and alone. Yup, how's that for faith? It's like contemplating a prison term -- the possibility for early release exists, but don't count on the parole board.

So back to the dentist -- I find myself wanting to do something desperate to just get the questions answered and move on -- the questions being -- are you single? are you interested? is this even a possibility? But, having done some really stupid things in the past, I must resist and be patient until all is revealed. :) I'm much older and hopefully much wiser now!