The Dichotomy Inside Me

A writing from the past as I processed my divorce:


Side A
§ God loves me.
§ God forgives me.
§ God is merciful.
§ God does not want me to suffer or to be in harm physically, mentally or emotionally. He is my protector.
§ God is trustworthy and my fear should be reverence of his holiness.
§ I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life.
§ It’s okay to hope that I will be loved in the future.
§ I don’t regret getting myself and my children out of a hostile environment.
§ My children are loved and cared for in a peaceful home where they feel secure.
§ I ensure that my children are fostered in a Christian community.
§ I don’t regret holding James accountable for his actions.
§ I have more peace.
§ I have a lot to give.
§ I have a lot to learn.
§ I have a much better sense of who I am.
§ I can heal and I will be stronger for it.
§ I have everything that I need.
§ James continues to make bad choices and he has abandoned his family. § He has not made any attempt to reconcile.
§ His words and actions reflect a deep seated bitterness that he is not willing to resolve.
§ He is living with another woman.

Side B
§ God is disappointed with me.
§ I must endure consequences.
§ I am responsible for fixing my mistakes.
§ I must be alone.
§ I cannot justify divorce.
§ I can’t trust my feelings.
§ Loneliness will be my curse.
§ I’m hurting my family.
§ My children will be scarred for life.
§ I’ve wasted most of my life being foolish and naive.
§ I am a failure.
§ I am a disappointment.
§ I am afraid.
§ I don’t have enough faith.
§ I am a second class citizen – I’ve lost the respect of people around me.
§ I don’t know what my status is in the Christian community.
§ I don’t like being a bad statistic. I’m in the wrong 50%.
§ I will never own a home and financial security will be difficult to maintain.
§ Was I supposed to suck it up and endure until he finally confronted his demons?
§ Am I the one who is crazy?
§ He didn’t beat me up.
§ No evidence of adultery when we lived together.
§ He didn’t flee. I asked him to leave.
§ He said that he wanted to work it out. (though it was couched in terms of sexual need).
§ He said he was sorry once. Not what he was sorry for – just sorry.

vent from the past

11/29/2005

I guess it’s time to get out some of the thoughts that have been swirling in my mind, if only to clear my head and press on with the business of the day. Several weeks ago, I started to close in again and shut down my emotions. I get to a point where it appears that every effort that I am making becomes null and void. I reach out – put myself out there – because I feel in my heart that it’s the right thing to do. Be kind, be loving, extend a hand, breach the void, set aside the disappointment, put the needs of Jim first… It’s difficult at first because the motives are not trusted, but then there is usually a good spot when Jim realizes that he’s getting what he wants and there’s peace. It is only skin deep, however. When we get to the core issues and look at them, the relationship begins to break down again. I pull back because I get tired and fed up. I take my eyes off Jesus and start looking at the muck I’m in – and I get sucked into the pit.

Jim is easily distracted onto a treadmill of self-improvement tactics that get him nowhere. Lately it’s been the new job opportunity which is going to set him straight. If he works hard at his job, he doesn’t have to look at what’s inside of him and he doesn’t have to deal with it. He doesn’t have to give up anything because he can apparently balance it with a lot of good effort – or maybe he thinks that once he is successful at his job, he’ll be able to give up the vices. The problem as he sees it – is that I’m not cooperating. He’s right in a way – I’m playing into his hands so to speak. Because I’ve withdrawn, I am providing veracity to all that he believes about me – I ignore him, I don’t respect him, I control everything, etc., etc. The thing is – he says this about me whenever he gets angry – even when I am doing everything I can to reach out to him. So, here I am, damned if I do and damned if I don’t. And here I am at the crux of the matter, Jim continues to spin a reality that makes him the underdog, that puts him under my heel in some way, a “whatever” -- “it doesn’t matter” mindset. His guilt puts me in a position of judge. Because I don’t condone his behavior and I call him to account, then I am judging him. If I ask him about how much money he is making or where he spends his evenings, then I’m saying that I’m better than him – that he is a sinner and I’m not – I’m judging. It’s a distraction technique – point the finger at me and I’ll just point it back to you. His guilt becomes resentment pointed full force at me. I continue to be the scapegoat for his self worth.

I don’t like to talk to Jim because everything I say is taken as an attack and responded to with defense and resentment. He quickly swirls into an emotional tailspin. Even talking about our children quickly becomes an emotionally charged exchange. I have given up – it’s just banging my head against a wall and I’d rather not.

I have never respected James. Never. I felt embarrassed by him very early in our relationship. There are a multitude of things that I dislike about him. I don’t like the way he thinks. I don’t like the way he relates to people. I don’t like what he does with his time. I don’t like – don’t even know – his friends. He is a poor judge of character. He shirks his responsibilities. It is so ironic that at just the point that I was figuring all this out so many years ago, I became pregnant. I trapped myself into a life sentence. Ever the optimist I thought it would all work out somehow.

Lately, I just tell the Lord about my frustrations and hope that he hears me. My hope is that he will provide some way out of this conundrum before I lose my sanity and before my family completely falls apart. I understand that suffering is necessary; I really do. I wonder how much of my suffering is self inflicted – have I tolerated too much? Is there no protection? Is there no treatment? Is there no rescue?

what is love?

Funny how love is so difficult to define -- or maybe it's the condition of being "in love" that stumps us. God is love -- check; greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends -- absolutely; love is blind -- maybe; love is not having to say you're sorry -- nah; love is this; love is that. So many definitions, so many opinions and so many nuances. What IS love? How does an imperfect human being know when they feel love -- when they are IN love? Songwriters, poets, greeting card companies, authors, psychologists, gurus, astrologists .... they all try in vain to define love. What is the formula? Is it sweaty palms, heart palpitations, warm fuzziness, constant thoughts of the other person, euphoria, peace, a desire to do anything for their favor, heartbreak at the thought of losing them, physical sensations that defy description, a yearning that can only be assuaged when they are present? -- any of the above? all of the above? What is LOVE? When does wanting to love become LOVE? When does falling in love become LOVE? Ultimately, love is RISK. It's taking a flying leap into absolute uncertainty, hoping the other person leaps too.

"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived".

[William Parrish] from the movie, Meet Joe Black (1998)