parenting in the rough

It is heart breaking for me to see my children suffer "unnecessary roughness". That is -- a situation that could have been dealt with in a kinder more gentler way. The long anticipated visit with dad and girlfriend came and the situation was as I expected it to be. Girlfriend lives with Dad, Dad soft pedals his obvious wrong choice by presenting a pitiful excuse, Dad further plays out self-centered choice by having girlfriend sleep in his bed while his children are under his roof (after all, with four kids in the house there was no other place for her to sleep :|). So our loving children, always willing to extend grace and give the benefit of the doubt, accept the situation for what it is and even go so far as to rationalize it. They like the girlfriend and she seems to be holding dad together. What about the moral dilemma? What about the contradiction to what they have been taught? What about the disappointment? What about the stonewalling? These are the issues that really upset me. The man doesn't have the guts to call it like it is and face the fallout. The selfishness is unmistakable. There has been absolutely no consideration of the children's feelings in this matter and an assumption that they will just live with it. So, I do what I can with some damage control -- honest feelings, disappointment, right & wrong, God's way, God's grace, choices based on what is true and what is right not excused by what other people choose to do. Love, tears and hugs. Prayer for wisdom, forgiveness, grace and mercy.

vacant

I feel needy on some days. It's Friday and the weekend lies before me with not a single plan to fill it. I can't help but think how it would be to have someone to spend time with. Someone to look forward to. I don't have money to play with so that also limits the prospects. I'd love to go shopping with Jenna, but that is not an option right now. Wouldn't it be great if someone spent money on ME? Oh well, there is that closet to organize and football Sunday. Endure, Amy, endure...

personality profile

Wow, I have to say that knowing your personality profile is eye opening. It puts the past in perspective and really helps you "know thy self."

Myers-Briggs Personality profile: ISTJ
The Duty Fulfiller

As an ISTJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things rationally and logically.

ISTJs are quiet and reserved individuals who are interested in security and peaceful living. They have a strongly-felt internal sense of duty, which lends them a serious air and the motivation to follow through on tasks. Organized and methodical in their approach, they can generally succeed at any task which they undertake.

ISTJs are very loyal, faithful, and dependable. They place great importance on honesty and integrity. They are "good citizens" who can be depended on to do the right thing for their families and communities. While they generally take things very seriously, they also usually have an offbeat sense of humor and can be a lot of fun - especially at family or work-related gatherings.

ISTJs tend to believe in laws and traditions, and expect the same from others. They're not comfortable with breaking laws or going against the rules. If they are able to see a good reason for stepping outside of the established mode of doing things, the ISTJ will support that effort. However, ISTJs more often tend to believe that things should be done according to procedures and plans. If an ISTJ has not developed their Intuitive side sufficiently, they may become overly obsessed with structure, and insist on doing everything "by the book".

The ISTJ is extremely dependable on following through with things which he or she has promised. For this reason, they sometimes get more and more work piled on them. Because the ISTJ has such a strong sense of duty, they may have a difficult time saying "no" when they are given more work than they can reasonably handle. For this reason, the ISTJ often works long hours, and may be unwittingly taken advantage of.

The ISTJ will work for long periods of time and put tremendous amounts of energy into doing any task which they see as important to fulfilling a goal. However, they will resist putting energy into things which don't make sense to them, or for which they can't see a practical application. They prefer to work alone, but work well in teams when the situation demands it. They like to be accountable for their actions, and enjoy being in positions of authority. The ISTJ has little use for theory or abstract thinking, unless the practical application is clear.

ISTJs have tremendous respect for facts. They hold a tremendous store of facts within themselves, which they have gathered through their Sensing preference. They may have difficulty understanding a theory or idea which is different from their own perspective. However, if they are shown the importance or relevance of the idea to someone who they respect or care about, the idea becomes a fact, which the ISTJ will internalize and support. Once the ISTJ supports a cause or idea, he or she will stop at no lengths to ensure that they are doing their duty of giving support where support is needed.

The ISTJ is not naturally in tune with their own feelings and the feelings of others. They may have difficulty picking up on emotional needs immediately, as they are presented. Being perfectionists themselves, they have a tendency to take other people's efforts for granted, like they take their own efforts for granted. They need to remember to pat people on the back once in a while.

ISTJs are likely to be uncomfortable expressing affection and emotion to others. However, their strong sense of duty and the ability to see what needs to be done in any situation usually allows them to overcome their natural reservations, and they are usually quite supporting and caring individuals with the people that they love. Once the ISTJ realizes the emotional needs of those who are close to them, they put forth effort to meet those needs.

The ISTJ is extremely faithful and loyal. Traditional and family-minded, they will put forth great amounts of effort at making their homes and families running smoothly. They are responsible parents, taking their parenting roles seriously. They are usually good and generous providers to their families. They care deeply about those close to them, although they usually are not comfortable with expressing their love. The ISTJ is likely to express their affection through actions, rather than through words.

ISTJs have an excellent ability to take any task and define it, organize it, plan it, and implement it through to completion. They are very hard workers, who do not allow obstacles to get in the way of performing their duties. They do not usually give themselves enough credit for their achievements, seeing their accomplishments simply as the natural fulfillment of their obligations.

ISTJs usually have a great sense of space and function, and artistic appreciation. Their homes are likely to be tastefully furnished and immaculately maintained. They are acutely aware of their senses, and want to be in surroundings which fit their need for structure, order, and beauty.

Under stress, ISTJs may fall into "catastrophe mode", where they see nothing but all of the possibilities of what could go wrong. They will berate themselves for things which they should have done differently, or duties which they failed to perform. They will lose their ability to see things calmly and reasonably, and will depress themselves with their visions of doom.

In general, the ISTJ has a tremendous amount of potential. Capable, logical, reasonable, and effective individuals with a deeply driven desire to promote security and peaceful living, the ISTJ has what it takes to be highly effective at achieving their chosen goals - whatever they may be.

Affirmation

I finally had that talk with my pastor today. It was a good conversation. I really felt that he had a clear picture of the situation and it was comforting. It provided me with some much needed affirmation.

J_'s actions speak for themselves. It is not necessary for me to point out the crooked path.

Ecclesiastes 10:2-3 (The Message)
Wise thinking leads to right living;
Stupid thinking leads to wrong living.
Fools on the road have no sense of direction.
The way they walk tells the story: "There goes the fool again!"

The challenge for me is to keep moving forward towards Godliness in all of this. I need to keep firm boundaries without harboring anger and resentment. Keep forgiving, but require accountability. Keep checking my attitude. God's grace and mercy are just as available to J__ as they are to me. His defeat is not my victory.

Funny thing to end the day: when I was in the store getting snacks, a guy walking by me randomly stopped and said "you're pretty" -- I kind of did a double take (wondering if I just heard what I thought I heard) and said, thank you. The guy appeared to be perfectly normal, but I had to wonder about his mental capacity! Who does that? LOL

Using what I've learned

I had an insane conversation with J__ last night. That's the only adjective that comes close -- the phenomenon defies description. I went through many emotions -- grief, anger, frustration, disbelief, futility (is that an emotion?). He uses superlative words and loaded adjectives as weapons. I wish I could have everything he has ever said to me on tape. I wish someone could evaluate it. It's such a distortion of reality that I'm left wondering if it is ME that doesn't see things clearly.

I've been going through an amazing Bible study called Detoured by Divorce. The author has walked many of the same steps as I have in my journey. It really hits me where I live and it is clearing away some of the fogginess of my perceptions (gosh maybe it IS me who is mad!). I realized this morning that I need to apply some of what I have learned from the Bible study to how I am processing my interaction with J___. Here goes... I have propensity to analyze every situation -- gather information and figure it out -- I need answers. The problem is that human nature and behavior are not neat and tidy case studies. I could dissect every word that was spoken and ruminate on intent and meaning -- but where does that get me? Why go through all that agony when I can just turn it over to the Lord? So that's what I did -- I balled it all up in my mind and set it down. Then I asked the Lord to show me what is in my heart and what is true. I cannot allow myself to slide back into the quagmire of blame and retribution. I need to make choices based on what I know is true not based on a reaction to what people are doing to me or in spite of me.

I'm going to meet with my pastor to bring him up to date on my journey. I haven't talked to him about the situation in a year. J___ has been in touch with him recently. My first inclination was to map out a defense to whatever J___ chose to tell pastor. That would be folly -- I don't need to try to change his perception of the matter. I just need to share my experience and what I have learned. J__'s actions speak the truth no matter how he tries to spin with his words. God knows and I have to be content with that.

Proverbs 10:9-11
The man of integrity walks securely,
but he who takes crooked paths will be found out.

He who winks maliciously causes grief,
and a chattering fool comes to ruin.

The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life,
but violence overwhelms the mouth of the wicked.

So, I can go on with my day without wasting my time trying to figure things out and without rehearsing a response. God is in control. I answer to him and him alone.

Reflective mood...

I attempted to set up a blog months ago, but abandoned it because I began to doubt it's worth. I ran across someone else's blog yesterday and it got me thinking about it again. The blog that I found is called Divorce Help for Christian Women. I was very helpful since it's the closest I have come to identifying with another person in similar circumstances.

I've also been thinking of lessons learned -- I've become introspective about my journey thus far. It's been 18 months since J_ and I physically separated and 11 months since we legally separated. A LOT has happened and a LOT has changed. I've often wished that the people around me could get inside my head and understand what I was going through. I wonder if it would help if I could be more expressive about it all.

I have a lot on my mind today. I have been ruminating for a long time on things that I want to express to J__ -- things that I want to say face to face. I've been thinking about writing a letter to bring my thoughts together in an organized manner. We haven't talked face to face since February. That was a difficult discussion and I anticipate that any future discussion will be the same.

Anyway, I'm also thinking about things that I would like to discuss with my pastor. Someone in my church advised me to come up with a list of things that the church could do to help people (particularly women) who are going through separation or divorce. I have a lot of ideas based on my experience and I hope that I can present them in a constructive way -- since some of them are based on ways that the church was NOT helpful. I have to say that you learn a lot about how people relate to one another when you are in a crisis.

My closest life friends could be counted on when I needed them -- N_ (an unwavering, day in day out, through the muck, confidant, adviser and supporter), T_ (knows it all from the very beginning), K_ (has lived it and survived -- funny how we both think ourselves fools but actually suffered fools), C_ (unconditional, steadfast and knows...), my small group (prayed, prayed, prayed). Then there is family... You know that they love you no matter what. You know that they would do anything for you. You know that they are hurt and disappointed too. You understand on some level that it's awkward and difficult -- I floundered a little in the silence, but I get it now.