The Dichotomy Inside Me

A writing from the past as I processed my divorce:


Side A
§ God loves me.
§ God forgives me.
§ God is merciful.
§ God does not want me to suffer or to be in harm physically, mentally or emotionally. He is my protector.
§ God is trustworthy and my fear should be reverence of his holiness.
§ I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life.
§ It’s okay to hope that I will be loved in the future.
§ I don’t regret getting myself and my children out of a hostile environment.
§ My children are loved and cared for in a peaceful home where they feel secure.
§ I ensure that my children are fostered in a Christian community.
§ I don’t regret holding James accountable for his actions.
§ I have more peace.
§ I have a lot to give.
§ I have a lot to learn.
§ I have a much better sense of who I am.
§ I can heal and I will be stronger for it.
§ I have everything that I need.
§ James continues to make bad choices and he has abandoned his family. § He has not made any attempt to reconcile.
§ His words and actions reflect a deep seated bitterness that he is not willing to resolve.
§ He is living with another woman.

Side B
§ God is disappointed with me.
§ I must endure consequences.
§ I am responsible for fixing my mistakes.
§ I must be alone.
§ I cannot justify divorce.
§ I can’t trust my feelings.
§ Loneliness will be my curse.
§ I’m hurting my family.
§ My children will be scarred for life.
§ I’ve wasted most of my life being foolish and naive.
§ I am a failure.
§ I am a disappointment.
§ I am afraid.
§ I don’t have enough faith.
§ I am a second class citizen – I’ve lost the respect of people around me.
§ I don’t know what my status is in the Christian community.
§ I don’t like being a bad statistic. I’m in the wrong 50%.
§ I will never own a home and financial security will be difficult to maintain.
§ Was I supposed to suck it up and endure until he finally confronted his demons?
§ Am I the one who is crazy?
§ He didn’t beat me up.
§ No evidence of adultery when we lived together.
§ He didn’t flee. I asked him to leave.
§ He said that he wanted to work it out. (though it was couched in terms of sexual need).
§ He said he was sorry once. Not what he was sorry for – just sorry.