Reflective mood...

I attempted to set up a blog months ago, but abandoned it because I began to doubt it's worth. I ran across someone else's blog yesterday and it got me thinking about it again. The blog that I found is called Divorce Help for Christian Women. I was very helpful since it's the closest I have come to identifying with another person in similar circumstances.

I've also been thinking of lessons learned -- I've become introspective about my journey thus far. It's been 18 months since J_ and I physically separated and 11 months since we legally separated. A LOT has happened and a LOT has changed. I've often wished that the people around me could get inside my head and understand what I was going through. I wonder if it would help if I could be more expressive about it all.

I have a lot on my mind today. I have been ruminating for a long time on things that I want to express to J__ -- things that I want to say face to face. I've been thinking about writing a letter to bring my thoughts together in an organized manner. We haven't talked face to face since February. That was a difficult discussion and I anticipate that any future discussion will be the same.

Anyway, I'm also thinking about things that I would like to discuss with my pastor. Someone in my church advised me to come up with a list of things that the church could do to help people (particularly women) who are going through separation or divorce. I have a lot of ideas based on my experience and I hope that I can present them in a constructive way -- since some of them are based on ways that the church was NOT helpful. I have to say that you learn a lot about how people relate to one another when you are in a crisis.

My closest life friends could be counted on when I needed them -- N_ (an unwavering, day in day out, through the muck, confidant, adviser and supporter), T_ (knows it all from the very beginning), K_ (has lived it and survived -- funny how we both think ourselves fools but actually suffered fools), C_ (unconditional, steadfast and knows...), my small group (prayed, prayed, prayed). Then there is family... You know that they love you no matter what. You know that they would do anything for you. You know that they are hurt and disappointed too. You understand on some level that it's awkward and difficult -- I floundered a little in the silence, but I get it now.