consequences

It occurred to me that I am being disciplined for my disobedience and ultimately for my pride. I have willingly disobeyed God by compromising my purity. I pridefully reasoned that God's way was too restrictive. If you really love someone, why can't you love them completely? I reasoned that I was doing something good, giving something that my love needed. I was a fool. Not only did I compromise myself, but I've been a stumbling block to someone that I love. I complicated his life (he made the choice, too, of course) by giving in to my flesh. Sin is sin -- sex outside of marriage or fornication (hate that word) is clearly sin. That's God's way. Now I face the consequences and suffer the pain. I await the final verdict hoping that my mistakes are covered with grace. I submit this to you Lord once and for all. I will not be disobedient in this area again. Your way is perfect. I will be devastated to realize what I've done, if this relationship does not work out. What if I have given my body to someone who will never be my husband?

void

It's Saturday morning and I'm going about my household duties. The sun is shining and it's a beautiful day. I sit here with tears streaming down my face. I'm letting the anxiety take hold again and I'm feeling the void once filled by a friend, confidant and lover. One week ago I was lying in his arms and today I'm separated from him completely. It hurts so much. I'm so afraid that the relationship is going to end -- that he will end it. How do I continue to do this? How do I continue to wait? I need to pray -- nothing more than whispered phrases so far this morning. It's time to get on my knees and submit once more. Last night I prayed for God's peace and he gave it to me. I felt more relaxed and slept a little better.

anxiety

I've realized what it is that I'm feeling is ANXIETY. Yes, my heart is aching, but the swirling feeling in my chest and tears ever close to the surface are from feeling anxious. I've had this feeling before when I was going through the divorce. It's a feeling that comes what I have no control and have no idea what is ahead. That feeling that the path is dark and my footing is unsure. It's the worst feeling. For someone like me who needs a plan, needs to know what's going on, needs to be able to figure things out, and needs to have some level of control, trusting in the unknown is incredibly difficult. I trust the Lord as much as I do because I reason that "all things work together for good" and he IS in control. Trusting another human being without having any interaction with them is nearly impossible for me to handle. Putting my destiny in their hands causes me great anxiety. I can only trust the Lord right now. I have no idea what direction D will go in. No idea if he will figure any of this out. No assurance that I will be a part of his life. I can only trust that, whatever the outcome, God is in control. He is faithful and he will see me through. Lord, give me your peace and help me trust you. Help me to pray for D for his sake and not my own.

anguish part 2

Feeling lots of heart ache this morning. I'll have to try very hard to stuff it and concentrate on work. What I know intellectually and what I feel in my heart are leagues apart and I just can't reconcile them right now. I'm not keeping my gmail account open at work today -- I'm absolutely neurotic about it and I need to quit cold turkey. I'll check it at lunch time and that's it. I can see that there are some lessons to be learned through all of this -- just wish it didn't have to hurt so much. I'm back to contemplating life alone and that really SUCKS.

I decided to leave work early. I've been on the verge of tears and just wanted to be home where I can release them when I need to. I've been praying almost without ceasing.

How do you stay away from someone that you love? How do you purposely cut yourself off from them? I feel like you've been ripped out of my life -- like a bandage removed from a wound.

anguish

Last night was tough. I missed you so much. Going to bed without hearing your voice was anguish. I still feel it this morning. I went for a long walk and I read in bed for a while, but it didn't help much. My sleep the last two nights has been restless. I keep waking up and thinking about you. This is SO difficult! It's so hard to restrain myself from reaching out to you. But I know that I have to wait. I know that you need to make the first move. I sent my notebook with our chronicles in it to you. I hope it will remind you off all the wonderful times we've shared. I keep replaying them all in my mind to remind me, too.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid that you will give up and end the relationship. I wonder if all the feelings of distance and doubt mean that you really don't love me after all. It breaks my heart just to think of it. I'm trying so hard to trust in the Lord. Trust that whatever happens, it will work for good. That it was meant to be.

ANGUISH.

trying to understand

I did some reading on xxxchurch.com today. I'm trying to understand more about the 'addiction', though it's very difficult to absorb. I would rather just not know. Actually -- I just wish it wasn't this way at all. It makes me feel helpless and rather hopeless. I hate that you are a victim to this insidious sin. I hate that you have to struggle so much. I hate that it is a part of what is otherwise a wonderful, remarkable man. A man of my dreams. I wonder why I would knowingly subject myself to what is likely a lifelong battle. Do I love YOU enough to fight with you? It is worth it? I just don't know. I have had so much heart ache in my life already.

I'm not over processing. In fact, I'm continually drawn to all the good memories we've shared. I am hopelessly drawn to you. I love you with all of my being. I hope and pray that you feel the same way. I miss you so much already.

the confession

So there it is in black and white, all that you have been keeping back from me. And then the lies. Nothing will ever affect me more than lies and deception. The acts that you cover up would be far easier to handle if they were confessed right away. That was our agreement, after all. You ARE a coward. I am SO disappointed in you. So saddened by your choices because you will LOSE and you will pay a heavy price. I need to pull back and remove myself from you for a while. I don't know how long. I need assurances from you that I AM worth fighting for -- that you DO love me enough to do whatever it takes to protect our relationship. I need to know that you BELIEVE that you CAN overcome -- that you WILL be successful more and more. I need you to CHOOSE ME. I need to see that you are pursuing God and feeding your faith. I need to know that you are willing to get the help and support that you need to get better and better and better. I don't expect you to be perfect and conquer this overnight. I know that it will be a long process -- I'm willing to support you all the way. I know you will have times when you fail -- I pray that they are few and far between. I am praying FERVENTLY for you -- more fervently than I have prayed in a long time. I am pressing into the Lord and fully relying on him right now. I need to increase MY faith and trust him more. I realize that this is out of my control -- I need to entrust YOU to the Lord and get out of the way. I've done all that I can except pray, pray, pray. I don't know what's ahead. I can't see if this relationship will work. So I'll wait and pull back my focus so that I can see the bigger picture. I'll wait to see how you respond. It's all up to you now. The fate of this relationship is in your hands and I pray that you submit it to the Lord also so that his perfect will can work (like Ransom realizes in Perelandra -- getting out of OUR will so that God's will can be fulfilled).