Dear Dick #4

Hello, my love,

I'm just back from a long walk and lots of thought and prayer time. I hope I can clearly articulate what I'm feeling. First and foremost, I love you with all of my heart. There is no one that I would rather be with than you. I imagine spending my life with you and I believe I'm willing to sacrifice whatever it takes to do that. I've waited a long time for this kind of love and I am so grateful for it. I cherish you.

We've talked about our physical relationship many times and we've both felt the conviction over and over. You know that I desire you and I want to please you in this way. The bottom line is that it's sin and it's a spiritual block for us. It hinders my prayers and I believe it hinders you in more ways than one. Hindsight is 20/20 and our foresight is blurry at best. I hope that I can be more committed than ever to abstain -- I hope WE can be more committed. I know without a doubt that I can feel close to you without having sex. I DO feel close to you without it. My most treasured memories are of our quiet moments and the things we have experienced together. I've always thought (and proselytized to my kids) that sex between a husband and wife is better anyway. You may not agree -- but think about the possibility that it could be true!

I know you once had a frigid wife and that undoubtedly contributed to your sexual issues. I also know that men who have loving, sexually active wives are still enslaved to porn and succumb to temptation. I'd be a fool to think that I could ever be an antidote for you. I can already see that reality is not living up to your fantasies. One of my fears is that you will always want more than you could ever realistically obtain -- that you will choose to live in your head rather than appreciate and enjoy what you actually have. I will need assurance that you have self-control -- especially control over your thoughts -- that you are able to love and be loved with realistic expectations. I hope I've shown that I will give all that I have to you. I have a strong need for security and if your attentions are elsewhere I'll feel adrift.

Your spiritual well-being is of enormous importance to me. I fear for you right now because, if you are letting doubt cloud your thinking, your guard is down and the enemy's arrows are getting in. I don't think it is an overstatement to say that you are in great danger. Last night I committed myself to daily fervent prayer on your behalf. I hope you will also pray fervently every day. Confess all of your feelings to the Lord and ask him to help you -- BELIEVE that he will! Please consider this: your thoughts and feelings have an impact on ME. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I will support you with all of my strength, if your focus is overcoming your struggles. If you choose to be like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind, then I'll have to jump ship.

This relationship will fail if God is not at the very foundation of it. There is just too much against us if we don't put Christ at the center. Your doubts and 'addiction' -- my insecurities and fears, etc. We haven't done the best job of putting him at the center, but we can change that. I believe with all of my heart that it is God's intention for us to be helpmates to each other. Given free will, however, we both have the ability to destroy what was intended for good. I know that you can be strong and faithful -- I NEED you to be strong and faithful.

I hope I haven't been too preachy! Please don't be afraid to share your feelings with me. I feel disconnected from you when you're not telling me how you feel. I like to hear about your work and your daily activities, but I also need to hear what's on your heart.

All my love,
Amy

Dear Dick #3

I lightheartedly hinted at the lack of bf/gf communication in an email to you today. You seemed to agree, but that's as far as it went. It's been really strange to have no flirting or feelings running through our written or oral communication. NONE! The usual 'I love you' at the end of our nightly phone conversation, but that's it. I seriously could transfer all the communication to my brother and it wouldn't be out of place. So, yeah, I don't like that. I'm practically starving for your sweet words! It's taking so much restraint for me not to give them, too. I'm beginning to wonder what our time together will be like -- will there be any ardor at all? I know you've been very preoccupied with your work so I understand you haven't had the free time to think much about me. I get that; I do. I hope your mind will be fully with me starting tomorrow night. I so need to be connected to you! Please, please pursue me and show me your heart. I'm adrift without it.

Dear Dick #2

It's the second day of my 'experiment' in withholding words from you as much as possible. We've exchanges email messages, but they have been devoid of emotion or relationship references. Just the facts of the day -- mostly about your rush project. This is going to get boring for me, but I'm committed to the cause! :-) I wonder if you will even notice the lack of my effusiveness. Will you miss my words of love? There isn't the usual anticipation about our upcoming date. I'm looking forward to it and I want to be with you, but I'm not counting down the days necessarily. Since there is no emotion in our communication, there is an emotional distance. Even our last few phone conversations have been rather cut and dry -- even my pathetic attempt at speaking Dutch was rather unemotional! Interesting phenomenon. I read over some old email messages today while looking for a past reference (a Dutch phrase) and I have to admit, it was a bit painful. So many loving messages -- and now what? I feel like I'VE kept it up, but you -- what about you? What happened to my Romeo? I hope he returns ...

Dear Dick #1

I'm writing to you off email, my darling, because I feel the need to sequester my words for a while. I hope this isn't being passive-aggressive! I hope it's just a little measure of protection over my heart for now. I'm feeling a bit better about our relationship today, but there is still some insecurity about your feelings for me. I read over the (two...) cards that you sent me months ago and it made me weep. Those words were so sweet and touched me so deeply. I miss receiving words like that from you. So, perhaps foolishly, I wonder if withholding my words will make you see how it feels to have the lack of them. Does that make any sense? I suppose this could also backfire and make me become more distant and disconnected from you instead.

It was so good to pray with you last night. We really need to do it more often. It helps put our perspective in the right place doesn't it? Your spiritual well-being is extremely important to me. When I think of sharing spiritual things and deepening our relationship with the Lord together, it makes me feel so optimistic and even excited. It's something I have always longed to have with my partner. We know how easy it is to neglect this area, though. It's going to take purpose and discipline to be consistent -- I am confident that the rewards will be great and will spur us on. I think we both realize that the more we submit to the Lord, the less we will be able to give in to the desires of our flesh. That is still a tough one for me. I don't have to have the sexual manifestation of our relationship, but I certainly want it! It is such a double edged sword kind of thing. In my heart of hearts, I want to sacrifice this area for the over-all well being of our relationship. I still feel that it hinders you and brings you inner conflict in an area where you already have struggles to overcome. When I think of this, it affects me deeply. I would never willingly bring you any harm in this way -- be a stumbling block to you -- as I've said previously. Of course, it also hinders my spiritual walk as well. On the other hand, there is this strong desire to love you completely and it is difficult to resist.

work sucks

I'm grateful for my job -- really, I am, but I'm sooooo bored with it right now. I find it very difficult to concentrate on the meager work that I'm able to cut out for myself. It's just not that stimulating or challenging. I'm wasting away here. There are days (like today) where I look at the clock every 5 minutes and will it to move faster. I can't wait for the day to end. Wiling away the hours is further complicated by my straying thoughts -- my bf -- how much I miss him and long to be with him. I really need more to occupy my mind. I keep searching the job listings, looking for a new opportunity that could re-stimulate my career. I have to be realistic, of course. Two kids in college to support keeps me grounded in reality. I also have to look at long term potential. It would be great to relocate to the Northshore, but the timing would be delicate, wouldn't it? Ah well, I'll endure.

processing ...

It's been a long time since I last made a journal entry here. All of my processing over the last three months has taken the form of email messages to my bf. I realize today that I need to process some things about the relationship outside of his purview. There is just so much stuff to get out. What started as a whirlwind romance -- a surreal connection beyond my wildest hopes, has become a reality of challenges and difficulty that relationships inevitably face. Perhaps more difficulty in some ways than should be. After being in such a long arduous marriage, I hate even the thought of difficulty. Perhaps I analyze things too much and feel too deeply to have a flawless relationship with any man. DFS is a wonderful human being. There is so much that I love about him . . . but there are issues. I have this determination that makes me think that I can handle major issues -- if it comes with great reward. There are complications beyond our control -- DISTANCE -- a 200 mile chasm between NE MA and Albany, NY. It's incredibly difficult to maintain a relationship two day or three days a visit with as much as two weeks in between. The momentum is lacking and the connection has to keep being reestablished. It's very frustrating. Daily phone conversations (albeit lengthy ones) and email messages are not enough. There are other struggles -- the physical relationship that we both want, but realize is wrong for us right now -- outside of marriage is outside of God's will. So last night we hashed that all out and it was agonizing. I feel such guilt for not restraining myself and allowing myself to be a stumbling block to DFS. I knew in my heart all along that it had to be a hindrance to him -- his issues, his healing, etc. I'm still reeling from all of this and as I do, I feel a lack of assurance from DFS. Some of the things he says makes me feel insecure in his commitment to me. I think he is still figuring out whether this relationship can be something permanent. I wonder if he will EVER feel confident enough to trust and pursue marriage. This makes me extremely uneasy because I don't want to invest my love and devotion to someone who is eventually going to pull the plug and break my heart. I almost feel the need to pull back -- way back -- and see if he pursues me. It's taking all my will power to keep from sending him an email message today. I just made this major decision -- I bought a new car! -- and I so want to tell him about it, but I also feel like I need to hold back a little. Since our conversation last night, I sense this imbalance -- me wanting him more than he wants me. Maybe that's a distorted perception, I don't know. What I heard was this: "I have my home and my daughter and a routine to my life -- apart and away from you. So while the distance is difficult, it's a buffer -- I still have my own refuge." That's what I heard -- not sure if he meant it to be received that way. Now that we have the sin issue cleared up -- that blockage caused by ignoring God's will and serving the needs of the flesh -- my praying is in earnest once again. I'm praying that I will be able to trust God completely -- let go of all that I've been grasping on to. I know if I trust the Lord with everything in my life, I will have peace and I will have clear direction. I don't have to worry about what the future holds.

The Dichotomy Inside Me

A writing from the past as I processed my divorce:


Side A
§ God loves me.
§ God forgives me.
§ God is merciful.
§ God does not want me to suffer or to be in harm physically, mentally or emotionally. He is my protector.
§ God is trustworthy and my fear should be reverence of his holiness.
§ I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life.
§ It’s okay to hope that I will be loved in the future.
§ I don’t regret getting myself and my children out of a hostile environment.
§ My children are loved and cared for in a peaceful home where they feel secure.
§ I ensure that my children are fostered in a Christian community.
§ I don’t regret holding James accountable for his actions.
§ I have more peace.
§ I have a lot to give.
§ I have a lot to learn.
§ I have a much better sense of who I am.
§ I can heal and I will be stronger for it.
§ I have everything that I need.
§ James continues to make bad choices and he has abandoned his family. § He has not made any attempt to reconcile.
§ His words and actions reflect a deep seated bitterness that he is not willing to resolve.
§ He is living with another woman.

Side B
§ God is disappointed with me.
§ I must endure consequences.
§ I am responsible for fixing my mistakes.
§ I must be alone.
§ I cannot justify divorce.
§ I can’t trust my feelings.
§ Loneliness will be my curse.
§ I’m hurting my family.
§ My children will be scarred for life.
§ I’ve wasted most of my life being foolish and naive.
§ I am a failure.
§ I am a disappointment.
§ I am afraid.
§ I don’t have enough faith.
§ I am a second class citizen – I’ve lost the respect of people around me.
§ I don’t know what my status is in the Christian community.
§ I don’t like being a bad statistic. I’m in the wrong 50%.
§ I will never own a home and financial security will be difficult to maintain.
§ Was I supposed to suck it up and endure until he finally confronted his demons?
§ Am I the one who is crazy?
§ He didn’t beat me up.
§ No evidence of adultery when we lived together.
§ He didn’t flee. I asked him to leave.
§ He said that he wanted to work it out. (though it was couched in terms of sexual need).
§ He said he was sorry once. Not what he was sorry for – just sorry.