discombobulated

Two hours on the phone with DFS last night -- a very pleasant conversation. I don't know what to think about it all, though. I don't know where this will go and I'm afraid! I don't have a strong feeling... but maybe that is a good thing. I am going to do everything in my power to make a visit happen next weekend. Going to MA on Saturday and hope to have a lot of time to spend on a "date" with DFS. I think it is time for a chemistry test! I'm struggling with a lot of mixed feelings & thoughts today. I feel so ordinary -- like I haven't lived a full life and am therefore terribly boring. The ex is extremely talented and cultured. He is much more cultured than I. I live through books and dreams, but have experienced so little. I hate that I was caged with a schmuck for so long -- confined to mediocrity and strife. I don't know what I have to offer... My dear friend reminds me that I have a heart and beauty (NOT) and intelligence to bring, but I have my doubts. I've never struggled with self-confidence like this before. I need to remind myself that nothing ventured is nothing gained. So what if it doesn't work out? It's OKAY! Savor the moment and don't look too far ahead -- I don't have to have the rest of my life planned out. I will not get stuck -- ever again! I can say no. I can say maybe. I can be rejected and survive it. There is more than one opportunity. There are more fish in the sea. I WILL be just right for someone. I need to just BE ME and let the chips fall. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God loves me. He is able to do immeasurably more than I could ask for or imagine!!!

what's in a name?

It's high time I wrote about my new match interest! We have been communicating for just over a week and all is well so far. He is real! We have a lot in common and have some interesting geographical connections. He lives near my brother, is originally from central NY (where I have family as well) and he has literally biked past my father's farm. Little things --perhaps -- but interesting just the same. I am really enjoying getting to know him! We've talked just once on the phone but it was a pleasant conversation and would have gone on longer than it did had I not had to cut it short. We have this interesting dilemma about our names -- his is a slang term that is used and abused; mine happens to be the same as his ex-wife! I am cautiously optimistic and just letting things move along naturally and realistically. It is impossible to really measure someone up until you meet them in person. I would like to make that happen sooner rather than later. So I think a trip to MA is in order! More to come.... I hope!

why is this not working in my favor?

More online dating disappointment.... I don't understand why the guys I am interested in, are not into me. Guys who I wouldn't give the time of day to, contact me and I'm so desperate that I take the time to consider them... and even attempt to communicate with them. So, I have a phone date tonight with a guy who I know I won't like. Not because he's not a nice guy, but because I doubt that he has strong faith... and.... I'm not physically attracted to him. He is overweight. I extended my search to 600 miles just to see what the selection was within my criteria.... not a lot of results. The guys far away are not interested in long distance relationships. There is a guy in MA who is so hotttt -- and has an amazing profile -- so original and witty. I do not meet his criteria in any way, though. I had to send him a message which of course is futile.... I made it clear how cynical I was about it. I don't meet his search criteria at all. He is one of those 40-something males who blew their youth on selfishness, now want to settle down and have kids... which requires an attractive 30-something never been married female. Ugh! I have to stop looking at his pictures....

I hate this!!! I can't even get a lousy date with a decent guy that I won't mind looking at or imagining being close to. I know I'm going about this all wrong -- my emotions and hormones have run amok and I'm not yet willing to reign them in. I felt what it might be like to be connected to a man and now I just want it so badly -- for real. Please Lord, please -- can I just have the chance to meet someone great? I feel so undesired and unwanted. I feel like I'm at the bottom of the barrel. Why is it this way? I hate, hate, hate that I squandered my youth and youthful looks on a loser!!!

should I keep trying?

I am still pursuing online dating -- against all odds. I decided to try another dating site. It seems to have a lot less people on it, but it also seems to match better. No contacts so far -- except for this odd ice breaker request from a guy who was hiding his profile! I am still on match until my subscription ends today so I have sent and received some emails there. It's interesting how I NEVER get a response to the emails that I initiate. I have received some communication from a mysterious guy with no image and with no offer to send me an image. I'm going to call him tonight -- hey why not? I'm curious about him, but have absolutely no hopes that he is anything I'm looking for. His profile did not wow me at all. I don't know.....it keeps me kind of out there, interested and hopeful. Maybe one of these days I will actually get a real live date!

surprise! it's a SCAM

So I finally put it all together yesterday realized I have been the victim of a "romance scam." INSANE! I really had no idea these scams existed, but now I know. The ugly truth has descended on me and now I am grappling with the aftermath of decimated dreams and the plummet of hope. I am so thankful that I have had the Lord to trust through all of this. I made some mistakes and I allowed myself to be lured by something that was too good to be true, but I kept submitting it all to the Lord and continued to seek His guidance and wisdom. He ultimately led me to the truth in a relatively short period of time. I have read of people being wrapped up in the scams for months. Many people have lost thousands of dollars to these scams. The scammers wear you down and then bring you in for the kill. My scammer was not able to get that far though I know an attempt to get money out of me was imminent. Thank God I was enlightened just in time. It is a difficult lesson to learn, but I know I will be stronger for it.

I am feeling some emptiness today -- this fantasy has been filling my days for over two weeks now. The need to be loved emotionally and physically is gnawing at me and I don't know what to do about it. I just need to pray I guess and talk to the Lord about it. My friends have been so supportive and encouraging -- it really helps a lot. I am still in this foggy just woke up phase where I realize that it was all a dream and not real. It may take me a while to shake my head and just move forward with my life as it is and will be. I am glad that I have things to keep me busy for the next couple of days. Tough stuff indeed. It would be tempting for me to think that it just doesn't get better, but I will try to resist. I can see where this was a sign that I need to trust in God more and have deeper, more abiding faith. If I can't quite believe that God has good things ahead for me, I can at least see that He is protecting me and loving me right now -- here in the present.

mystery guy emerges

I have so many emotions about my communication with A, but I'm not sure I can sort them out enough in print. Just want to document the tension between thrilling excitement and skeptical fear! On the one hand, he is handsome, charming, interesting and exotic. On the other hand he is mysterious, unknown and effusive. There is still much to learn and evaluate -- prayerfully. Who knows where this will go? One day at a time...

possibility?

I re-live a lesson over and over again. The lesson is to stop trying to figure out things on my own and allow God to be in control. If I allow God to be in control, things fall into place. Not everything is revealed, the clouds don't part and I don't received an audible from God -- but there is ease, movement -- something we often refer to as PEACE. So, I came to that place once again last week when I acknowledged my sin, my manipulation and took myself out of the driver's seat. Your will be done Lord. You direct me. Help me to yield and obey. Show me the way.

If there is a man out there for me, then God will show me and He will bring him to me -- or me to him. Why would I want it any other way? I've screwed this up before and I don't want to make that mistake again. Putting the Lord in control of this area does not mean that I no longer participate (IMO). I will seek out possibilities and pray for discernment and guidance. The trick for me is to stay in the present and not get ahead of things by imagining, or actually fantasizing about what could be. That's where I move into God's realm and I don't belong there.

So this week brought a possible match across my path. A guy online contacted me and we are trying to connect via IM. He is very attractive and seems sweet, but I'm skeptical of anyone I meet in cyberspace so I will be very cautious. Who knows? Well God knows and I need to rely and trust in God's provision and his perfect timing. I need to relax and not force anything and not get my hopes unrealistically high. I don't want to be stressed about this and there is no reason why I should. I want to have fun and enjoy the experience. I won't make mistakes or be stuck in bad situations if I continue to trust in the Lord.