gotta watch it

I'm in one of those funky moods today. A day when I should be secluded from humanity and left to my own devices. Youngest daughter will be returning from six days with dad and the adjustment from that much time away can be tricky. I need to be careful and conscious of my tendency to want her to just download all information so I know everything that happened. I hate having to play 20 questions in order to get anything out of her.

I'm really not happy with J___ right now. He's such a blowhard and a liar -- and still stuck in the same old cycles. On one hand, I am so glad that I don't have to deal with his nonsense on a daily basis. On the other hand, I get antsy about whether people (the kids, family, friends that he has contact with) buy what he says. It's pointless, of course, for me to have anxiety about this. I have to trust in my God to provide for all of our needs regardless of Jim's choices and failures. I also have to trust in the truth -- that it will prevail.

now you show up?

The father of my children has been largely absent for three years. This past year, our 16 yr old has been with her father for less than 14 days total. I can count the number of visits with the older kids on one hand. He has not been present for any of their finest moments. Score a goal, mom cheers. Nail that solo part, mom cheers. Give a heart gripping performance, mom weeps. Fix the car, mom is relieved. Dean's list, mom gushes with pride. Trip to Italy, mom wants to go! Apply for college, mom gets the info. Dad has not been the go to parent for any of their troubles -- minor to major. When the car breaks down, call mom. When the boyfriend is a jerk, call mom. When sick and need emergency care, call mom. When grades are failing, the teacher calls mom. Recuperating from surgery, mom nurses. Need money, call mom. Need a ride, call mom. Get in trouble, call mom. etc, etc.

So when youngest daughter has to face her 15 min. of shame, Dad suddenly is interested in being present?! Please no, I say. This is not the time to play daddy. Show up when she shines, when she will be eager for your praise. Don't make this harder than it already is.

more parenting in the rough

Most of the time I'm not aware that I'm in this parenting thing alone. Sometimes I can't be in two places at once, but I usually work it out somehow. It's generally easier than dealing with an irrational, selfish, absent parent. Once in a while things happen that make me realize the difficulty of shouldering the responsibility alone. It kind of hits me between the eyes and I feel a deep sadness that my children can't count on their father to be there for them when things get tough. Youngest daughter did something really stupid with some potentially serious consequences and I have to handle the fall out. Thank GOD for His wisdom and guidance because I couldn't get through this stuff without my heavenly father. I am not so alone afterall. I endure the bitterness of the ex, knowing that I am doing the best that I can -- and my kids, as great as they are, will make mistakes that I can not prevent. Few kids get to adulthood without making some stupid choices. The goal is to get them there without having to endure lifelong consequences.

what do I have to offer?

I would say that around 50 percent of the time I'm content being single. There is a part of me that is uncomfortable about the idea of having to share my space, my stuff and my time with someone else. Not to mention the "just-out-of-bed-in-the-morning Amy," who is quite scary to behold. But I'm really only okay with this singleness if it's temporary. Living the rest of my life alone is NOT a pleasant thought at all. I tend to focus on the fact that I'm in my early 40's and aging rapidly -- therefore time seems to be running out on me. It may be helpful to focus on the positives instead and be cognizant of what I have to offer out there on the dating/marriage market. So here goes....

I'm not ugly -- not gorgeous, but not ugly. In my mind, I pass for attractive when I'm about 10-15 lbs. lighter than I am right now. This, by the way, is attainable since I was 10 lbs. lighter about 8 months ago! The disruption to my exercise schedule in the fall always sets me back, but I digress... I care about my appearance -- not fashion savvy, but try to avoid looking like a schlep. I have nice eyes with changing hues and an expressive countenance. I'm intelligent, not a genius, not a scholar, but educated and informed enough to converse intelligently. I have sense of humor, a bit sarcastic perhaps, but I can be pretty light-hearted. I have a decent career with future potential. I have a variety of interests so hopefully I'm not too boring. I'm healthy and try to strive towards a healthy lifestyle -- not passionate about it though. I do have passion though! I'm easy going and fairly confident in myself. I'm not needy or over emotional. Yadda yadda yadda. I feel like I'm writing a resume! Just think positive Amy -- you are a human being with lots to offer and worthy of love. :-)

identifying the ideal mate

I read somewhere that a woman made a list of attributes of the ideal man for her and then prayed over this list until God brought that man into her life. I like this idea -- not because I think that the right man will magically appear, but because I think it will keep me focused -- prayerfully focused. It's easy to identify what I don't like or don't want, but more difficult to define what I really need and want. So here is my list divided into needs and wants.

Needs

• devoted follower of Christ -- faith is a natural extension of his life; involved in a church
  
• financially stable -- solid profession; wise with money
• educated -- college degree; continues to learn
• stable family life
• honest and up front; open and at ease
• emotionally balanced
• pursues a healthy lifestyle with exercise and moderate diet
• unselfish -- puts others first; flexible; shows genuine interest in other people; attentive
  
• willingness to experience new things; interests are varied
• physically attractive (difficult to define, but I know it when I see it)
  
• confident but humble
• no addictions of any kind
  

Wants

• reader
• sports fan
• expressive eyes (perhaps blue?)
  
• music lover --appreciates musical performance
  
• graduate degree
• likes to be outside -- hiking, outdoor sports
• resourceful
• does not want more biological children
• has hair (lol)
  
• well traveled -- wants to travel

and the answer is.....

Write off the dentist -- he's dating one of the dental hygienists in his office. How cliché! I'm satisfied that I was able to get the information that I needed, but bummed that it wasn't the answer that I'd hoped for. Life goes on. I basically blew an opportunity almost exactly one year ago -- but I can't go down the road of regret -- it's not worth wasting time on the analysis. Things happen for a reason. God is in control. I can stop the futile fantasy now and move on to more constructive thoughts. Unfortunately, I have another appointment on Monday and then a few weeks after that. This will make it difficult to shut off the thoughts! I'm going to try to stop worrying about how to flirt and be noticed -- and just be a pleasant patient. :-)

another year to contemplate

Hasta la vista 2008. The year was quite a mixture of highs and lows, but I think the balances weighed on the side of progress. When I think of the past year as a whole, I have a positive feeling. Now as I contemplate the new year, my hope is that I can continue to move onward and upward. Here are some things that I have in mind to shoot for in 2009:

• believe that I can be attractive to normal men -- :)
  
• go on a date -- even if I have to take the risk to be the one to ask someone out (gulp)
• take a grad class (intellectual stimulation)
• continue to work towards stabilizing finances by paying down debt and increasing savings
• seize opportunities to be a better person and help others around me

I HOPE. Gotta stay positive and believe. Happy New Year!