I read somewhere that a woman made a list of attributes of the ideal man for her and then prayed over this list until God brought that man into her life. I like this idea -- not because I think that the right man will magically appear, but because I think it will keep me focused -- prayerfully focused. It's easy to identify what I don't like or don't want, but more difficult to define what I really need and want. So here is my list divided into needs and wants.
Needs- devoted follower of Christ -- faith is a natural extension of his life; involved in a church
- financially stable -- solid profession; wise with money
- educated -- college degree; continues to learn
- stable family life
- honest and up front; open and at ease
- emotionally balanced
- pursues a healthy lifestyle with exercise and moderate diet
- unselfish -- puts others first; flexible; shows genuine interest in other people; attentive
- willingness to experience new things; interests are varied
- physically attractive (difficult to define, but I know it when I see it)
- confident but humble
- no addictions of any kind
Wants
- reader
- sports fan
- expressive eyes (perhaps blue?)
- music lover --appreciates musical performance
- graduate degree
- likes to be outside -- hiking, outdoor sports
- resourceful
- does not want more biological children
- has hair (lol)
- well traveled -- wants to travel
Write off the dentist -- he's dating one of the dental hygienists in his office. How cliché! I'm satisfied that I was able to get the information that I needed, but bummed that it wasn't the answer that I'd hoped for. Life goes on. I basically blew an opportunity almost exactly one year ago -- but I can't go down the road of regret -- it's not worth wasting time on the analysis. Things happen for a reason. God is in control. I can stop the futile fantasy now and move on to more constructive thoughts. Unfortunately, I have another appointment on Monday and then a few weeks after that. This will make it difficult to shut off the thoughts! I'm going to try to stop worrying about how to flirt and be noticed -- and just be a pleasant patient. :-)
Hasta la vista 2008. The year was quite a mixture of highs and lows, but I think the balances weighed on the side of progress. When I think of the past year as a whole, I have a positive feeling. Now as I contemplate the new year, my hope is that I can continue to move onward and upward. Here are some things that I have in mind to shoot for in 2009:
- believe that I can be attractive to normal men -- :)
- go on a date -- even if I have to take the risk to be the one to ask someone out (gulp)
- take a grad class (intellectual stimulation)
- continue to work towards stabilizing finances by paying down debt and increasing savings
- seize opportunities to be a better person and help others around me
I HOPE. Gotta stay positive and believe. Happy New Year!
We had a good divorce recovery meeting last night. A couple of new people came -- one woman who was totally new to us and had quite a unique divorce story. She talked a lot, but it was obvious that she needed to and we all listened intently. Anyway, the subject for our session was new relationships. I've been waiting for this one and it was really helpful. I think it will better prepare me for what may be ahead. It reminded me that my focus needs to be on being emotionally healthy, aware of who I am and constantly tuning my relationship with the Lord. I CAN trust HIM and I NEED to trust HIM for everything in my life, but especially for a future mate. I can be content being alone and I don't need to let it hold me back from doing the things that I'm interested in. The video lesson presented some really good guidelines for dating and new relationships that I'm sure I will be looking back on from time to time. There are some women in our group who are already in serious relationships and I worry about them because it seems like it is too soon. I don't want to make that mistake -- I'm sooooo thankful that God has protected me from getting involved with someone thus far. I can see how it could have really messed me up and prolonged the healing process. It's been good to stand on my own and be introspective about what's down deep inside of me. Just this past week or so I realized that I still have some passive-aggressive tendencies to deal with. My interaction within a ministry at GC has brought that to the surface and it ain't pretty. Thank you Lord for showing that to me so clearly. It's amazing how a "message" will come up several times in several different ways and then like a thunk on the head I "get" it and I see what God is trying to teach me. In our small group last week the "attack and withdrawal" method of relating was discussed and that really helped me see what I was doing. My hormone swing tends to dredge up the dirt of my heart attitude and what I've stuffed comes out -- so I go from withdrawal to attack and then to withdrawal again. Dear me, time to deal with the muck and move past it -- and hopefully learn enough from it to see it coming (instead of going) the next time!
I'm emotional and irritable. I wish I could just disappear for a few days until my hormone levels even out. I'm susceptible to saying things that I shouldn't, dwelling on negative thoughts and sinking into a depressed mood. It really would be better for us all if I could just shut myself off from the world for a while.
I think I saw Dr._____ this morning on my way to work. It looked like his car and his profile -- at a cross road about to turn onto the road that I was on. In my rear view mirror, I saw the car turn into an apartment complex (and I know he doesn't live there). I think his office opens later on Thursdays... hmmmmmm .... So, yeah, that didn't do much to lift my mood. I pretty much decided to give up on that fairytale anyway. Way too much wasted energy. I'm staying away from Border's cafe for a while. My next appt. is Jan. 2nd -- let's see what happens then?
I'm feeling rather melancholy today. Maybe it's hormonal, I don't know. My diet is much improved this week, but I haven't exercised at all. I slept pretty well though I woke up early because it was cold in my room. I've put in a full week of work for the first time in several weeks -- work has been kind of boring lately. At least I have things to look forward to this weekend with elder daughter coming home for a visit, movie date, concert at church.
It was probably a mistake to go to Borders twice this week -- He wasn't there either time. I'm torn about this approach -- it's my only chance to encounter him outside of the dentist office, but if he isn't there, I leave feeling like a loser. Pathetic. I'm thinking about it less -- you can only hold on to something that isn't there for so long.
Better to get on with the day...
So, I have a crush on my dentist. I'm attracted to him, but I don't know if he is attracted to me. The dentist office is not the place to hit on someone in my opinion. :-/ I see him once in a while at Border's cafe and every time I do a miserable job of flirting. I saw him two weeks in a row in July and each time he left shortly after I arrived so the interaction was limited to brief small talk. I've been to his office twice in the past week or so because some teeth needed treatment. After the first appointment, he mentioned coffee at Borders and it took me a minute to switch gears from the tooth discussion so I basically blew it. I strategized all week about what I would say or do at the next visit. I also spent a lot of time figuring out what I was going to wear. I guess what I decided on was a good call because he complimented what I was wearing. I said thank you, but once again I missed the uptake. I am so pathetically inept at this! After the procedure when he was explaining what he had done, I tried to hold eye contact -- but I didn't flirt overtly. He has a great chair side manner so I take that as being friendly not necessarily attracted. I don't know his relationship status and that's a problem -- I mean what if he isn't even available? There is no ring, but what does that mean? I feel like such a loser because I don't have the courage to "make a move." I don't want to be inappropriate and I don't want to be a stalker woman. I try not to have high expectations either -- keep the fantasy in check so that it doesn't go so far beyond reality. I just want to know him better -- I want to have a real conversation with him. I like how he hums while he works and chuckles softly at my expressions/reactions. I have this innate ability to torture myself over stuff like this. I prayed about it -- because I'm trying really hard to turn this stuff over to my Lord. It made me cry and it brings tears to my eyes right now. I just feel so lonely and honestly, I feel like waiting for God to intervene will see me old and gray and alone. Yup, how's that for faith? It's like contemplating a prison term -- the possibility for early release exists, but don't count on the parole board.
So back to the dentist -- I find myself wanting to do something desperate to just get the questions answered and move on -- the questions being -- are you single? are you interested? is this even a possibility? But, having done some really stupid things in the past, I must resist and be patient until all is revealed. :) I'm much older and hopefully much wiser now!
