work sucks

I'm grateful for my job -- really, I am, but I'm sooooo bored with it right now. I find it very difficult to concentrate on the meager work that I'm able to cut out for myself. It's just not that stimulating or challenging. I'm wasting away here. There are days (like today) where I look at the clock every 5 minutes and will it to move faster. I can't wait for the day to end. Wiling away the hours is further complicated by my straying thoughts -- my bf -- how much I miss him and long to be with him. I really need more to occupy my mind. I keep searching the job listings, looking for a new opportunity that could re-stimulate my career. I have to be realistic, of course. Two kids in college to support keeps me grounded in reality. I also have to look at long term potential. It would be great to relocate to the Northshore, but the timing would be delicate, wouldn't it? Ah well, I'll endure.

processing ...

It's been a long time since I last made a journal entry here. All of my processing over the last three months has taken the form of email messages to my bf. I realize today that I need to process some things about the relationship outside of his purview. There is just so much stuff to get out. What started as a whirlwind romance -- a surreal connection beyond my wildest hopes, has become a reality of challenges and difficulty that relationships inevitably face. Perhaps more difficulty in some ways than should be. After being in such a long arduous marriage, I hate even the thought of difficulty. Perhaps I analyze things too much and feel too deeply to have a flawless relationship with any man. DFS is a wonderful human being. There is so much that I love about him . . . but there are issues. I have this determination that makes me think that I can handle major issues -- if it comes with great reward. There are complications beyond our control -- DISTANCE -- a 200 mile chasm between NE MA and Albany, NY. It's incredibly difficult to maintain a relationship two day or three days a visit with as much as two weeks in between. The momentum is lacking and the connection has to keep being reestablished. It's very frustrating. Daily phone conversations (albeit lengthy ones) and email messages are not enough. There are other struggles -- the physical relationship that we both want, but realize is wrong for us right now -- outside of marriage is outside of God's will. So last night we hashed that all out and it was agonizing. I feel such guilt for not restraining myself and allowing myself to be a stumbling block to DFS. I knew in my heart all along that it had to be a hindrance to him -- his issues, his healing, etc. I'm still reeling from all of this and as I do, I feel a lack of assurance from DFS. Some of the things he says makes me feel insecure in his commitment to me. I think he is still figuring out whether this relationship can be something permanent. I wonder if he will EVER feel confident enough to trust and pursue marriage. This makes me extremely uneasy because I don't want to invest my love and devotion to someone who is eventually going to pull the plug and break my heart. I almost feel the need to pull back -- way back -- and see if he pursues me. It's taking all my will power to keep from sending him an email message today. I just made this major decision -- I bought a new car! -- and I so want to tell him about it, but I also feel like I need to hold back a little. Since our conversation last night, I sense this imbalance -- me wanting him more than he wants me. Maybe that's a distorted perception, I don't know. What I heard was this: "I have my home and my daughter and a routine to my life -- apart and away from you. So while the distance is difficult, it's a buffer -- I still have my own refuge." That's what I heard -- not sure if he meant it to be received that way. Now that we have the sin issue cleared up -- that blockage caused by ignoring God's will and serving the needs of the flesh -- my praying is in earnest once again. I'm praying that I will be able to trust God completely -- let go of all that I've been grasping on to. I know if I trust the Lord with everything in my life, I will have peace and I will have clear direction. I don't have to worry about what the future holds.

The Dichotomy Inside Me

A writing from the past as I processed my divorce:


Side A
§ God loves me.
§ God forgives me.
§ God is merciful.
§ God does not want me to suffer or to be in harm physically, mentally or emotionally. He is my protector.
§ God is trustworthy and my fear should be reverence of his holiness.
§ I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life.
§ It’s okay to hope that I will be loved in the future.
§ I don’t regret getting myself and my children out of a hostile environment.
§ My children are loved and cared for in a peaceful home where they feel secure.
§ I ensure that my children are fostered in a Christian community.
§ I don’t regret holding James accountable for his actions.
§ I have more peace.
§ I have a lot to give.
§ I have a lot to learn.
§ I have a much better sense of who I am.
§ I can heal and I will be stronger for it.
§ I have everything that I need.
§ James continues to make bad choices and he has abandoned his family. § He has not made any attempt to reconcile.
§ His words and actions reflect a deep seated bitterness that he is not willing to resolve.
§ He is living with another woman.

Side B
§ God is disappointed with me.
§ I must endure consequences.
§ I am responsible for fixing my mistakes.
§ I must be alone.
§ I cannot justify divorce.
§ I can’t trust my feelings.
§ Loneliness will be my curse.
§ I’m hurting my family.
§ My children will be scarred for life.
§ I’ve wasted most of my life being foolish and naive.
§ I am a failure.
§ I am a disappointment.
§ I am afraid.
§ I don’t have enough faith.
§ I am a second class citizen – I’ve lost the respect of people around me.
§ I don’t know what my status is in the Christian community.
§ I don’t like being a bad statistic. I’m in the wrong 50%.
§ I will never own a home and financial security will be difficult to maintain.
§ Was I supposed to suck it up and endure until he finally confronted his demons?
§ Am I the one who is crazy?
§ He didn’t beat me up.
§ No evidence of adultery when we lived together.
§ He didn’t flee. I asked him to leave.
§ He said that he wanted to work it out. (though it was couched in terms of sexual need).
§ He said he was sorry once. Not what he was sorry for – just sorry.

vent from the past

11/29/2005

I guess it’s time to get out some of the thoughts that have been swirling in my mind, if only to clear my head and press on with the business of the day. Several weeks ago, I started to close in again and shut down my emotions. I get to a point where it appears that every effort that I am making becomes null and void. I reach out – put myself out there – because I feel in my heart that it’s the right thing to do. Be kind, be loving, extend a hand, breach the void, set aside the disappointment, put the needs of Jim first… It’s difficult at first because the motives are not trusted, but then there is usually a good spot when Jim realizes that he’s getting what he wants and there’s peace. It is only skin deep, however. When we get to the core issues and look at them, the relationship begins to break down again. I pull back because I get tired and fed up. I take my eyes off Jesus and start looking at the muck I’m in – and I get sucked into the pit.

Jim is easily distracted onto a treadmill of self-improvement tactics that get him nowhere. Lately it’s been the new job opportunity which is going to set him straight. If he works hard at his job, he doesn’t have to look at what’s inside of him and he doesn’t have to deal with it. He doesn’t have to give up anything because he can apparently balance it with a lot of good effort – or maybe he thinks that once he is successful at his job, he’ll be able to give up the vices. The problem as he sees it – is that I’m not cooperating. He’s right in a way – I’m playing into his hands so to speak. Because I’ve withdrawn, I am providing veracity to all that he believes about me – I ignore him, I don’t respect him, I control everything, etc., etc. The thing is – he says this about me whenever he gets angry – even when I am doing everything I can to reach out to him. So, here I am, damned if I do and damned if I don’t. And here I am at the crux of the matter, Jim continues to spin a reality that makes him the underdog, that puts him under my heel in some way, a “whatever” -- “it doesn’t matter” mindset. His guilt puts me in a position of judge. Because I don’t condone his behavior and I call him to account, then I am judging him. If I ask him about how much money he is making or where he spends his evenings, then I’m saying that I’m better than him – that he is a sinner and I’m not – I’m judging. It’s a distraction technique – point the finger at me and I’ll just point it back to you. His guilt becomes resentment pointed full force at me. I continue to be the scapegoat for his self worth.

I don’t like to talk to Jim because everything I say is taken as an attack and responded to with defense and resentment. He quickly swirls into an emotional tailspin. Even talking about our children quickly becomes an emotionally charged exchange. I have given up – it’s just banging my head against a wall and I’d rather not.

I have never respected James. Never. I felt embarrassed by him very early in our relationship. There are a multitude of things that I dislike about him. I don’t like the way he thinks. I don’t like the way he relates to people. I don’t like what he does with his time. I don’t like – don’t even know – his friends. He is a poor judge of character. He shirks his responsibilities. It is so ironic that at just the point that I was figuring all this out so many years ago, I became pregnant. I trapped myself into a life sentence. Ever the optimist I thought it would all work out somehow.

Lately, I just tell the Lord about my frustrations and hope that he hears me. My hope is that he will provide some way out of this conundrum before I lose my sanity and before my family completely falls apart. I understand that suffering is necessary; I really do. I wonder how much of my suffering is self inflicted – have I tolerated too much? Is there no protection? Is there no treatment? Is there no rescue?

what is love?

Funny how love is so difficult to define -- or maybe it's the condition of being "in love" that stumps us. God is love -- check; greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends -- absolutely; love is blind -- maybe; love is not having to say you're sorry -- nah; love is this; love is that. So many definitions, so many opinions and so many nuances. What IS love? How does an imperfect human being know when they feel love -- when they are IN love? Songwriters, poets, greeting card companies, authors, psychologists, gurus, astrologists .... they all try in vain to define love. What is the formula? Is it sweaty palms, heart palpitations, warm fuzziness, constant thoughts of the other person, euphoria, peace, a desire to do anything for their favor, heartbreak at the thought of losing them, physical sensations that defy description, a yearning that can only be assuaged when they are present? -- any of the above? all of the above? What is LOVE? When does wanting to love become LOVE? When does falling in love become LOVE? Ultimately, love is RISK. It's taking a flying leap into absolute uncertainty, hoping the other person leaps too.

"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived".

[William Parrish] from the movie, Meet Joe Black (1998)

discombobulated

Two hours on the phone with DFS last night -- a very pleasant conversation. I don't know what to think about it all, though. I don't know where this will go and I'm afraid! I don't have a strong feeling... but maybe that is a good thing. I am going to do everything in my power to make a visit happen next weekend. Going to MA on Saturday and hope to have a lot of time to spend on a "date" with DFS. I think it is time for a chemistry test! I'm struggling with a lot of mixed feelings & thoughts today. I feel so ordinary -- like I haven't lived a full life and am therefore terribly boring. The ex is extremely talented and cultured. He is much more cultured than I. I live through books and dreams, but have experienced so little. I hate that I was caged with a schmuck for so long -- confined to mediocrity and strife. I don't know what I have to offer... My dear friend reminds me that I have a heart and beauty (NOT) and intelligence to bring, but I have my doubts. I've never struggled with self-confidence like this before. I need to remind myself that nothing ventured is nothing gained. So what if it doesn't work out? It's OKAY! Savor the moment and don't look too far ahead -- I don't have to have the rest of my life planned out. I will not get stuck -- ever again! I can say no. I can say maybe. I can be rejected and survive it. There is more than one opportunity. There are more fish in the sea. I WILL be just right for someone. I need to just BE ME and let the chips fall. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God loves me. He is able to do immeasurably more than I could ask for or imagine!!!

what's in a name?

It's high time I wrote about my new match interest! We have been communicating for just over a week and all is well so far. He is real! We have a lot in common and have some interesting geographical connections. He lives near my brother, is originally from central NY (where I have family as well) and he has literally biked past my father's farm. Little things --perhaps -- but interesting just the same. I am really enjoying getting to know him! We've talked just once on the phone but it was a pleasant conversation and would have gone on longer than it did had I not had to cut it short. We have this interesting dilemma about our names -- his is a slang term that is used and abused; mine happens to be the same as his ex-wife! I am cautiously optimistic and just letting things move along naturally and realistically. It is impossible to really measure someone up until you meet them in person. I would like to make that happen sooner rather than later. So I think a trip to MA is in order! More to come.... I hope!