six months

Six months ago today a sweet, wonderful man from Massachusetts found me. These months have moved very quickly and so much has happened. I fell in love with this man so quickly -- head over heels! The love I feel today isn't the butterfly feeling (the squiggles are less prominent), but it is deep and rooted. Despite the speed bumps, the uncertainty at times, the distance that plagues us, and the difficulty of the last few weeks, I love him with all my heart. It was a 'divine conspiracy' that brought us together and my hope is that God will bind us together forever. I can't wait to be wrapped in his embrace and feel his warm, sweet kisses. I've missed him so much. Less than 24 hours to go!

better

I have a better perspective today. I'm feeling more optimistic. Your words have been like rain on a parched land. I can't wait to see your face and be in your embrace. I also can't wait to TALK!!! I miss the sound of your voice so much.

I didn't sleep very well last night. I had several periods of wakefulness and felt like I never really slept soundly. Ah well. It's going to be a long day.

I miss you

It's a beautiful, hot summer day. I wish I was enjoying it with you. You are constantly on my mind. I've been replaying a lot of memories in an effort to keep you close. But you are SO far away -- physically and emotionally. I hate this. I have to get through 5 more days -- and then what? No idea. I can't live in limbo anymore.

silence

I've agreed to the silence now, but it still feels oppressive. It feels like I'm being punished for something I didn't do. It feels like I'm being shut out. I understand the need for some space -- you need to concentrate on some important matters. I get that. It just doesn't make it any easier to be cut out of your life. I want to be IN relationship with you. That's what loving someone means.

I wonder about your feelings for me. I wonder if it has been painful for you to be cut out of MY life. You said it was "strange" not to talk to me every day, but you didn't say it was painful or difficult. Is it that you are so hyper focused on your issues that you just can't deal with your feelings for me? Is that it? Is keeping me silent a way of setting me aside so that you don't have to deal with me? I suppose it is. I suppose I shouldn't take offense to that. I'm being selfish.

longing

I slept better last night. I woke up around 5 a.m. and, like every morning, my first thoughts were of you. I longed for you -- your presence, your touch, the sound of your voice, your words. So, I caved and called you -- I wanted to speak The Word to you to start the day. I hope that was okay. I hope it helped to hear the sound of my voice. I miss you so much. I know I have to keep waiting. It is incredibly difficult and takes all my will power. I have to keep remembering to draw on God's strength and trust him.

impatient

I'm tired and impatient today. I'm itching to contact you in some way, but resisting with all of my strength. This 'space and time' thing really isn't working for me. I've had about enough of it. I'm frustrated and beginning to get angry. Is this really necessary?

Meanwhile, I continue to pray like crazy and try to focus on waiting on the Lord instead of waiting for you. There is only so much that I can tolerate -- I don't know what the limit is right now, but I'm sure I'll know it when I hit it. If you don't reach out to me with some FEELING soon, you are going to lose me. Maybe that's what you hope for anyway. I just don't know.

insomnia

It's 3 a.m. and I've been awake since 12:30 a.m. I haven't had insomnia like this in awhile. Last night I woke up several times and then could not get back to sleep after 4:30 a.m. I was really tired yesterday. I can't imagine what this day is going to be like. How will I function? I seem to get insomnia when my emotions are haywire. My stomach has been a problem all night also -- major indigestion! Bad idea to have left over Chinese food. Ugh.

I'm going back to bed. Hope I can sleep.....