Affirmation

I finally had that talk with my pastor today. It was a good conversation. I really felt that he had a clear picture of the situation and it was comforting. It provided me with some much needed affirmation.

J_'s actions speak for themselves. It is not necessary for me to point out the crooked path.

Ecclesiastes 10:2-3 (The Message)
Wise thinking leads to right living;
Stupid thinking leads to wrong living.
Fools on the road have no sense of direction.
The way they walk tells the story: "There goes the fool again!"

The challenge for me is to keep moving forward towards Godliness in all of this. I need to keep firm boundaries without harboring anger and resentment. Keep forgiving, but require accountability. Keep checking my attitude. God's grace and mercy are just as available to J__ as they are to me. His defeat is not my victory.

Funny thing to end the day: when I was in the store getting snacks, a guy walking by me randomly stopped and said "you're pretty" -- I kind of did a double take (wondering if I just heard what I thought I heard) and said, thank you. The guy appeared to be perfectly normal, but I had to wonder about his mental capacity! Who does that? LOL

Using what I've learned

I had an insane conversation with J__ last night. That's the only adjective that comes close -- the phenomenon defies description. I went through many emotions -- grief, anger, frustration, disbelief, futility (is that an emotion?). He uses superlative words and loaded adjectives as weapons. I wish I could have everything he has ever said to me on tape. I wish someone could evaluate it. It's such a distortion of reality that I'm left wondering if it is ME that doesn't see things clearly.

I've been going through an amazing Bible study called Detoured by Divorce. The author has walked many of the same steps as I have in my journey. It really hits me where I live and it is clearing away some of the fogginess of my perceptions (gosh maybe it IS me who is mad!). I realized this morning that I need to apply some of what I have learned from the Bible study to how I am processing my interaction with J___. Here goes... I have propensity to analyze every situation -- gather information and figure it out -- I need answers. The problem is that human nature and behavior are not neat and tidy case studies. I could dissect every word that was spoken and ruminate on intent and meaning -- but where does that get me? Why go through all that agony when I can just turn it over to the Lord? So that's what I did -- I balled it all up in my mind and set it down. Then I asked the Lord to show me what is in my heart and what is true. I cannot allow myself to slide back into the quagmire of blame and retribution. I need to make choices based on what I know is true not based on a reaction to what people are doing to me or in spite of me.

I'm going to meet with my pastor to bring him up to date on my journey. I haven't talked to him about the situation in a year. J___ has been in touch with him recently. My first inclination was to map out a defense to whatever J___ chose to tell pastor. That would be folly -- I don't need to try to change his perception of the matter. I just need to share my experience and what I have learned. J__'s actions speak the truth no matter how he tries to spin with his words. God knows and I have to be content with that.

Proverbs 10:9-11
The man of integrity walks securely,
but he who takes crooked paths will be found out.

He who winks maliciously causes grief,
and a chattering fool comes to ruin.

The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life,
but violence overwhelms the mouth of the wicked.

So, I can go on with my day without wasting my time trying to figure things out and without rehearsing a response. God is in control. I answer to him and him alone.

Reflective mood...

I attempted to set up a blog months ago, but abandoned it because I began to doubt it's worth. I ran across someone else's blog yesterday and it got me thinking about it again. The blog that I found is called Divorce Help for Christian Women. I was very helpful since it's the closest I have come to identifying with another person in similar circumstances.

I've also been thinking of lessons learned -- I've become introspective about my journey thus far. It's been 18 months since J_ and I physically separated and 11 months since we legally separated. A LOT has happened and a LOT has changed. I've often wished that the people around me could get inside my head and understand what I was going through. I wonder if it would help if I could be more expressive about it all.

I have a lot on my mind today. I have been ruminating for a long time on things that I want to express to J__ -- things that I want to say face to face. I've been thinking about writing a letter to bring my thoughts together in an organized manner. We haven't talked face to face since February. That was a difficult discussion and I anticipate that any future discussion will be the same.

Anyway, I'm also thinking about things that I would like to discuss with my pastor. Someone in my church advised me to come up with a list of things that the church could do to help people (particularly women) who are going through separation or divorce. I have a lot of ideas based on my experience and I hope that I can present them in a constructive way -- since some of them are based on ways that the church was NOT helpful. I have to say that you learn a lot about how people relate to one another when you are in a crisis.

My closest life friends could be counted on when I needed them -- N_ (an unwavering, day in day out, through the muck, confidant, adviser and supporter), T_ (knows it all from the very beginning), K_ (has lived it and survived -- funny how we both think ourselves fools but actually suffered fools), C_ (unconditional, steadfast and knows...), my small group (prayed, prayed, prayed). Then there is family... You know that they love you no matter what. You know that they would do anything for you. You know that they are hurt and disappointed too. You understand on some level that it's awkward and difficult -- I floundered a little in the silence, but I get it now.