I've been going through an amazing Bible study called Detoured by Divorce. The author has walked many of the same steps as I have in my journey. It really hits me where I live and it is clearing away some of the fogginess of my perceptions (gosh maybe it IS me who is mad!). I realized this morning that I need to apply some of what I have learned from the Bible study to how I am processing my interaction with J___. Here goes... I have propensity to analyze every situation -- gather information and figure it out -- I need answers. The problem is that human nature and behavior are not neat and tidy case studies. I could dissect every word that was spoken and ruminate on intent and meaning -- but where does that get me? Why go through all that agony when I can just turn it over to the Lord? So that's what I did -- I balled it all up in my mind and set it down. Then I asked the Lord to show me what is in my heart and what is true. I cannot allow myself to slide back into the quagmire of blame and retribution. I need to make choices based on what I know is true not based on a reaction to what people are doing to me or in spite of me.
I'm going to meet with my pastor to bring him up to date on my journey. I haven't talked to him about the situation in a year. J___ has been in touch with him recently. My first inclination was to map out a defense to whatever J___ chose to tell pastor. That would be folly -- I don't need to try to change his perception of the matter. I just need to share my experience and what I have learned. J__'s actions speak the truth no matter how he tries to spin with his words. God knows and I have to be content with that.
Proverbs 10:9-11
The man of integrity walks securely,
but he who takes crooked paths will be found out.
He who winks maliciously causes grief,
and a chattering fool comes to ruin.
The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life,
but violence overwhelms the mouth of the wicked.
So, I can go on with my day without wasting my time trying to figure things out and without rehearsing a response. God is in control. I answer to him and him alone.
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