I fall short

I feel an overwhelming sense of inadequacy. I've made so many mistakes -- mistakes that are not easy to overcome and I wonder if I will ever be able to rise above them. Marrying the wrong person will probably haunt me for the rest of my life. Financial mistakes continue to make me feel insecure and cause me an immense amount of stress. The child support is behind again and I have no idea how much or when I'll get any. I keep kicking myself for being dependent on the support and trusting that J will do what's right. I just sent him receipts for camp and counseling with no expectation that he will send me the money. Pathetic. I plead for God's mercy and pray that my stupidity will be forgiven and that my children will not be cursed by my bad judgment. I know my family loves me, but they just can't possibly understand what I'm going through. I even feel like I don't have a right to feel this way -- there are so many people in worse circumstances than me. I'm so sad and I just want to disappear. I am in despair.

so emotional...

I'm so emotional lately. I feel so scattered... one of the many things bouncing around in my mind is that summer is ahead and I have nothing to look forward to. The only sure plan is the college trip to Tennessee in August. Instead of fun, my calendar is filling up with duties. I feel like I'm getting swallowed up into nothingness -- more and more dull by the moment.

Mary L. related her dating disasters to me last night which served to make me feel even more hopeless about future relationships. Are all men such dastardly dogs?

I'm beginning to conjure up some solo adventure for myself. Where could I go? What could I do? Get me out of my life for a couple of days? Certainly deserves some further thought and investigation...

I wish I knew you

Things have been really busy lately -- #1 child graduation, #3 child prom, meetings and work stuff -- but I've had a bout of loneliness that I can't quite shake. It's probably because I dwell on the thoughts instead of focusing on other things. I had two intense dreams in the same week -- one about Dr. G and the other about a long lost friend who I was kind of in love with for a while. In both dreams I was hugged and kissed -- something I secretly long for. Anyway, in the case of Dr. G I'm back to the tendency of strategizing how I could make something happen with him. It's pretty stupid, but I'm desperate I guess. I haven't seen him in weeks -- haven't been to Border's in a while and didn't see him there this week. I was pretty disappointed because I was feeling pretty confident about flirting with him. Oh well. Back to the dreams.... I haven't seen or communicated with Stephen in 17 years. I've often thought of writing a letter to him -- started a few -- but never followed through. Well this time I did. I don't expect any response from him. It's not his style. It was satisfying for me to finally reach out of the past and tap him on the shoulder -- so to speak. I wish I knew either of these men as friends that I could talk to about anything.

The nice weather exacerbates my loneliness because there is more to do and still no one to do it with. It all feels rather hopeless. I should pray more about it.

I just don't know...

I think I need a vacation. Really. I need to get away. I'll have some time off next week, but it's going to be a busy time not a restful one. College graduation in Philly and then back home for prom. It will be fun I hope, but not restful. I feel like I just need to be able to think and to pray ---- and to sleep! Stuff has just been wearing me down.

catching up

Life has been kinda crazy lately. It would be great if things could just slow down a little. List of activities in the last two weeks: family court hearing for FOUR petitions filed against me by ex (I should have blogged about that!); two/three hour mentor training sessions; prom dress fittings for JBR; A LOT of preparations for Palm Sunday, Tenebrae and Easter services; board meetings; two big projects & related meetings at work; annual review; plus the usual routine of driving JBR to/from activities. Then yesterday -- JBR's trip to Philly had me off the stress charts! Missed bus, just made train, would she make it to the bus out of NYC in five minutes?!?!?, on the phone while she wanders around trying to find the right bus, miracuously makes it on the bus, will she connect with big sis who has no cell phone???, they find each other and she arrives safe & sound.... whew! Lots of answered prayer!! God is soooo good.

So with all this craziness, my diet sucks and even though the weather has been nice, I don't have time to get out and walk. Finally walked 2 mi. w/ N last evening -- while JBR was on the train. Need to get out again tonight and fight the flab!

it was a happy birthday

I'm thinking back on yesterday -- my birthday and I conclude that it was a happy birthday. I had a great day that should be chronicled here so that I remember how good it can be... to be me. :) It was gorgeous sunny warm spring day! Oh thank you God for that! I went for a 3 mile walk in the morning -- a great way to start the day. When I got back from my walk, there was a FTD box on the doorstep. Oldest daughter sent me a lovely flower bouquet with peach roses. I checked my email and facebook and there were a bunch of birthday wishes from friends. I then headed out to do a bit of shopping and got a blouse at JCP for $3! Met T__ at TGI Friday's for a long lunch. Then it was off to ASI for my first ever facial. It was awesome!!! I felt so pampered -- definetly the best thing to do on my b-day -- some self indulgence. Youngest daughter and I had some Chinese food for dinner (really lousy food unfortunately) and then a yummy rich chocolate raspberry torte later for dessert. C__ stopped over with a thoughtful gift. Brother T__ called and chatted for a while. Son came through with a card & gift to cap off the day. Felt very loved by friends and family!

I'd have to say that the birthdays have significantly improved sans husband -- even though I'm getting older and feel my odds of coupling again diminish.

tired, restless...winter blues?

I'm in a funk of some sort. It's kind of hard to explain and I really haven't taken the time to analyze my feelings. I think it all began with our drama in January and the realization that I had to manage yet another crisis on my own. Then the mid-winter visitation and face to face with J__ -- which brought on the resurgence of that feeling of insecurity that I always used to have with him. Realizing again that this man can not be counted on or trusted. Then the summons to court and J's plea to reduce the child support (ahem, because he is a LOSER). All this and my abismal social life sans male companionship and the hopelessness that this will change anytime soon. Knowledge that the only man I would consider is involved with someone else. Seeing the signs of aging on my face (and breaking out a lot lately -- what's with that??) and filling out my clothes a little too much -- hating the number on the scale. Lack of energy and motivation. It's all quite depressing!

Hopefully, I'm on the verge of breaking out of these doldrums. I'm thinking about running -- I want to run. I need warmer weather! I'm thinking of broadening my horizons and getting involved with a new activity. Something other than work or church related -- something active. I'm thinking that I need to stop thinking so much about Dr. ___. So if I could put these thoughts into action...