missing some male attention

I dressed up a bit today -- got out the only skirt that looks decent on me. It felt good, but I miss having a guy notice what I'm wearing and maybe even throwing out a compliment. My girlfriends will compliment me, but let's face it -- it's not the same! The sense of being attractive is nebulous when there is no one out there to affirm it. I guess next to being hugged and kissed, I miss having someone say -- hey you look great. Ah well, better not think about it too much!

false positive match

Ok.... so I talked to R on Wednesday night. Interesting conversation....and not all in a good way. There were some positive things -- he's a Christian and attends a church that my friends go to; he seemed very understanding about my divorce since his parents are divorced.... but, I definitely got some weird vibes. His manner of conversation, references to his mother, stories about his youth, making a big deal about working out at Bally's (I couldn't care less), the appearance of inflexibility (i.e. he seems a little uptight) and another slight annoyance - he took another phone call and put me on hold.

So, novice that I am, I went ahead and scheduled a date with him anyway. I'm thinking at this point that I just need to get out there and get the first date behind me.

Information that I've found in combination with my analysis of the phone conversation really puts me off this guy. I kinda of have that icky feeling that comes when I'm uncomfortable and fear that I'll get stuck in something that I have to extricate myself from.

could it be?

Well despite my misgivings about online dating, I may actually have a couple of possibilities!!! I've been communicating with two guys at the same time....yeah....shocking! I'm not super excited about either one, but I think that they are both dating material. I'm going to call R tonight and possibly set up a date. I'm attracted to his picture (though he looks a little like JMR so that could be a problem, lol) and the basic information I have about him is positive. I don't have a good feel for him yet though. He's four years younger and has never been married. The other guy, T, is trying really hard, but seems nice. It's funny how he has picked through my profile and responded to everything he thinks we have in common. He's four years older, divorced and has 3 kids. Sooooooo, we'll see where this all goes. It's high time I got out there and mingled!! More blogging material ahead I'm sure....

musings

The ex is weird and stuck in the same place he has been for years. It's difficult for me to talk to him because I keep thinking -- you are SO messed up. He tells me last night that he and JM are no longer a couple -- they're just roommates. "It's working out better this way." "It was like was like being with my sister -- weird." First of all, I really don't want to know. Second, he's been with this woman for TWO years and he's just figuring out that he doesn't have any chemistry with her?! Wow. I had a feeling all along that he just wanted someone to take care of him and help out with the bills, but geesh. He keeps asking me how everything is with me and I don't tell him anything except what's going on with the kids. I really don't want him knowing anything about my personal life. I like having him out of my life as much as possible.

So I recently faced an awkward social invitation situation where having a partner or date could have been handy. Now I'm wondering if I should except the invitation -- will it be really awkward if I come alone? I also have a feeling that everyone else on the invitation list is at least 20 yrs. older than me!

I actually had a full social calendar last weekend and (gasp!) I may have something lined up for both Fri. and Sat. nights this weekend. Then I'll be with my parents in Rochester, oldest daughter is coming home (yipee!!) and then Thanksgiving weekend with the fam. Life is good.

I might try eharmony free communication weekend again. I'm VERY suspect of getting sucked into a subscription. They generally dangle someone promising in front of you (I seriously wonder if these people get some kind of kick back), the get you to subscribe, the attractive guy pulls out and then all further "matches" are just wrong and it gets frustrating. Oh well, as long as I stick to just browsing I guess I have nothing to loose.

random thoughts

Jared's not talking to me and I don't understand why. Danger signals. I'm worried.

Jenna hates when I get emotional. No comfort there.

I saw a picture of him today. The thoughts had quieted, but now they're back. I imagine him to be the one, but what do I know. I don't even have a chance do I.

I'm tired and I want to cry.

online dating sucks

At first I was leery of online dating because it felt like I was putting too much of myself out there and I didn't trust the electronic version of a man. I communicated with a couple of guys and either they dumped me or I felt really uncomfortable with them. I settled upon eharmony as the best online dating method because it's not like shopping for a guy -- it's an invisible system of matching that delivers up the matches that are supposedly based on who you are and your personality. Sure. My first experience with eharmony was limited to a close geographical area and the matches were few. They resort to "flexible matching" which is VERY loose in my opinion -- marginally employed and uneducated guys who live with their mothers are NOT a matches for me! So, this time, I widen the net across the U.S.A. -- except some states that I'd rather not step foot in. I was optimistic that some interesting guys, who I could at least correspond with, would be matched with me. After two months and many so-called matches, there has not been one single guy who really grabbed my attention. Either they are physically unattractive, non-spiritual or lacking in intelligence. I see attractive guys all the time -- not drop dead gorgeous, just attractive -- and ALWAYS married. I really thought that somewhere among millions of men there might be an unattached, attractive, Godly, mid-40s guy on eharmony. Ha!! I'm discouraged because the chances of meeting the right guy around here is minuscule and I know many attractive, single, 40+ women who are also looking -- so the competition is stiff!! I look at all these married people and I wonder -- how in the world did they find each other?? Oh wait, I know, they met when they were younger and there was more to choose from! I'm seriously going to be alone for the rest of my life!!! My potential attractive qualities are diminishing every day so it's not going to get any easier. Lord, can you just drop a guy for me out of the sky..... thanks. It's so frustrating that I wasted the best of myself on some idiot like JMR and whatever I have left is bottled up inside because I have no one to give it to. It's just going to dry up and whither away. ughhhh.

overwhelmed

It's been a crazy week. It's always like this when sports start and I have to figure out how to get Jenna to practice, get the stuff that she needs and get myself to work all at the same time. It was a busy week at work with freshmen orientation and open house events. Then two evening meetings and other stuff to think about. Jenna has no concept about how much I'm juggling and how much I bend over backwards to accommodate her needs and her schedule. Getting Jared to college, being an adviser to Jasmine and all Jenna's stuff is all on me. James is completely removed from it all and can't even provide monetary support to help relieve some of my responsibility. It's ridiculous and sad that he has no problem letting me bear all of the parenting burden. I'm so tired... His pathetic unemployment is putting the child support further and further behind. He hasn't reimbursed me for Jenna's expenses and I'm sure he justifies it quite well in his warped mind. Doesn't he realize that his daughter needs therapy because he has abandoned her???

So all this stuff goes on this week and then I crash here alone on Friday night. Alone with my thoughts, alone with my coping, alone with my feelings of hopelessness. I'm beginning to think that I'm never going to be able to be in a relationship again. There's too much going against me.