mystery guy emerges

I have so many emotions about my communication with A, but I'm not sure I can sort them out enough in print. Just want to document the tension between thrilling excitement and skeptical fear! On the one hand, he is handsome, charming, interesting and exotic. On the other hand he is mysterious, unknown and effusive. There is still much to learn and evaluate -- prayerfully. Who knows where this will go? One day at a time...

possibility?

I re-live a lesson over and over again. The lesson is to stop trying to figure out things on my own and allow God to be in control. If I allow God to be in control, things fall into place. Not everything is revealed, the clouds don't part and I don't received an audible from God -- but there is ease, movement -- something we often refer to as PEACE. So, I came to that place once again last week when I acknowledged my sin, my manipulation and took myself out of the driver's seat. Your will be done Lord. You direct me. Help me to yield and obey. Show me the way.

If there is a man out there for me, then God will show me and He will bring him to me -- or me to him. Why would I want it any other way? I've screwed this up before and I don't want to make that mistake again. Putting the Lord in control of this area does not mean that I no longer participate (IMO). I will seek out possibilities and pray for discernment and guidance. The trick for me is to stay in the present and not get ahead of things by imagining, or actually fantasizing about what could be. That's where I move into God's realm and I don't belong there.

So this week brought a possible match across my path. A guy online contacted me and we are trying to connect via IM. He is very attractive and seems sweet, but I'm skeptical of anyone I meet in cyberspace so I will be very cautious. Who knows? Well God knows and I need to rely and trust in God's provision and his perfect timing. I need to relax and not force anything and not get my hopes unrealistically high. I don't want to be stressed about this and there is no reason why I should. I want to have fun and enjoy the experience. I won't make mistakes or be stuck in bad situations if I continue to trust in the Lord.

failure is not an option

I looked at JAR's grades online this morning. My worst fears were realized. He failed at least two classes (one more grade to be posted). I have a mixture of feelings. Deep disappointment, helplessness, anger, etc. I don't know how to reach him. I don't know quite what to do. Right now, I'm thinking that I just need to be calm and rational. I want to approach this problem in a thoughtful, pragmatic manner. So, I'm planning to sit down with my son tonight and begin by getting the picture from his point of view. If he wants to be in college and shows any desire to succeed, then I'm going to suggest we work on a plan of action. I'm envisioning some sort of plan/contract -- some structure for him to work within to get on the right track. Depending on how that conversation goes, I may consult with a pastor for some advice.

It's problems like this that make me feel very alone and vulnerable. I don't have anyone to lean on and to share the burden. I pray, oh yes, I pray and I know that God is in control and that he is my rock. It's so intangible though isn't it? When I have the opportunity to get down on my knees and dump it all at Jesus' feet, maybe then I will feel some relief and belief that I am not really alone.

missing some male attention

I dressed up a bit today -- got out the only skirt that looks decent on me. It felt good, but I miss having a guy notice what I'm wearing and maybe even throwing out a compliment. My girlfriends will compliment me, but let's face it -- it's not the same! The sense of being attractive is nebulous when there is no one out there to affirm it. I guess next to being hugged and kissed, I miss having someone say -- hey you look great. Ah well, better not think about it too much!

false positive match

Ok.... so I talked to R on Wednesday night. Interesting conversation....and not all in a good way. There were some positive things -- he's a Christian and attends a church that my friends go to; he seemed very understanding about my divorce since his parents are divorced.... but, I definitely got some weird vibes. His manner of conversation, references to his mother, stories about his youth, making a big deal about working out at Bally's (I couldn't care less), the appearance of inflexibility (i.e. he seems a little uptight) and another slight annoyance - he took another phone call and put me on hold.

So, novice that I am, I went ahead and scheduled a date with him anyway. I'm thinking at this point that I just need to get out there and get the first date behind me.

Information that I've found in combination with my analysis of the phone conversation really puts me off this guy. I kinda of have that icky feeling that comes when I'm uncomfortable and fear that I'll get stuck in something that I have to extricate myself from.

could it be?

Well despite my misgivings about online dating, I may actually have a couple of possibilities!!! I've been communicating with two guys at the same time....yeah....shocking! I'm not super excited about either one, but I think that they are both dating material. I'm going to call R tonight and possibly set up a date. I'm attracted to his picture (though he looks a little like JMR so that could be a problem, lol) and the basic information I have about him is positive. I don't have a good feel for him yet though. He's four years younger and has never been married. The other guy, T, is trying really hard, but seems nice. It's funny how he has picked through my profile and responded to everything he thinks we have in common. He's four years older, divorced and has 3 kids. Sooooooo, we'll see where this all goes. It's high time I got out there and mingled!! More blogging material ahead I'm sure....

musings

The ex is weird and stuck in the same place he has been for years. It's difficult for me to talk to him because I keep thinking -- you are SO messed up. He tells me last night that he and JM are no longer a couple -- they're just roommates. "It's working out better this way." "It was like was like being with my sister -- weird." First of all, I really don't want to know. Second, he's been with this woman for TWO years and he's just figuring out that he doesn't have any chemistry with her?! Wow. I had a feeling all along that he just wanted someone to take care of him and help out with the bills, but geesh. He keeps asking me how everything is with me and I don't tell him anything except what's going on with the kids. I really don't want him knowing anything about my personal life. I like having him out of my life as much as possible.

So I recently faced an awkward social invitation situation where having a partner or date could have been handy. Now I'm wondering if I should except the invitation -- will it be really awkward if I come alone? I also have a feeling that everyone else on the invitation list is at least 20 yrs. older than me!

I actually had a full social calendar last weekend and (gasp!) I may have something lined up for both Fri. and Sat. nights this weekend. Then I'll be with my parents in Rochester, oldest daughter is coming home (yipee!!) and then Thanksgiving weekend with the fam. Life is good.

I might try eharmony free communication weekend again. I'm VERY suspect of getting sucked into a subscription. They generally dangle someone promising in front of you (I seriously wonder if these people get some kind of kick back), the get you to subscribe, the attractive guy pulls out and then all further "matches" are just wrong and it gets frustrating. Oh well, as long as I stick to just browsing I guess I have nothing to loose.