musings

The ex is weird and stuck in the same place he has been for years. It's difficult for me to talk to him because I keep thinking -- you are SO messed up. He tells me last night that he and JM are no longer a couple -- they're just roommates. "It's working out better this way." "It was like was like being with my sister -- weird." First of all, I really don't want to know. Second, he's been with this woman for TWO years and he's just figuring out that he doesn't have any chemistry with her?! Wow. I had a feeling all along that he just wanted someone to take care of him and help out with the bills, but geesh. He keeps asking me how everything is with me and I don't tell him anything except what's going on with the kids. I really don't want him knowing anything about my personal life. I like having him out of my life as much as possible.

So I recently faced an awkward social invitation situation where having a partner or date could have been handy. Now I'm wondering if I should except the invitation -- will it be really awkward if I come alone? I also have a feeling that everyone else on the invitation list is at least 20 yrs. older than me!

I actually had a full social calendar last weekend and (gasp!) I may have something lined up for both Fri. and Sat. nights this weekend. Then I'll be with my parents in Rochester, oldest daughter is coming home (yipee!!) and then Thanksgiving weekend with the fam. Life is good.

I might try eharmony free communication weekend again. I'm VERY suspect of getting sucked into a subscription. They generally dangle someone promising in front of you (I seriously wonder if these people get some kind of kick back), the get you to subscribe, the attractive guy pulls out and then all further "matches" are just wrong and it gets frustrating. Oh well, as long as I stick to just browsing I guess I have nothing to loose.

random thoughts

Jared's not talking to me and I don't understand why. Danger signals. I'm worried.

Jenna hates when I get emotional. No comfort there.

I saw a picture of him today. The thoughts had quieted, but now they're back. I imagine him to be the one, but what do I know. I don't even have a chance do I.

I'm tired and I want to cry.

online dating sucks

At first I was leery of online dating because it felt like I was putting too much of myself out there and I didn't trust the electronic version of a man. I communicated with a couple of guys and either they dumped me or I felt really uncomfortable with them. I settled upon eharmony as the best online dating method because it's not like shopping for a guy -- it's an invisible system of matching that delivers up the matches that are supposedly based on who you are and your personality. Sure. My first experience with eharmony was limited to a close geographical area and the matches were few. They resort to "flexible matching" which is VERY loose in my opinion -- marginally employed and uneducated guys who live with their mothers are NOT a matches for me! So, this time, I widen the net across the U.S.A. -- except some states that I'd rather not step foot in. I was optimistic that some interesting guys, who I could at least correspond with, would be matched with me. After two months and many so-called matches, there has not been one single guy who really grabbed my attention. Either they are physically unattractive, non-spiritual or lacking in intelligence. I see attractive guys all the time -- not drop dead gorgeous, just attractive -- and ALWAYS married. I really thought that somewhere among millions of men there might be an unattached, attractive, Godly, mid-40s guy on eharmony. Ha!! I'm discouraged because the chances of meeting the right guy around here is minuscule and I know many attractive, single, 40+ women who are also looking -- so the competition is stiff!! I look at all these married people and I wonder -- how in the world did they find each other?? Oh wait, I know, they met when they were younger and there was more to choose from! I'm seriously going to be alone for the rest of my life!!! My potential attractive qualities are diminishing every day so it's not going to get any easier. Lord, can you just drop a guy for me out of the sky..... thanks. It's so frustrating that I wasted the best of myself on some idiot like JMR and whatever I have left is bottled up inside because I have no one to give it to. It's just going to dry up and whither away. ughhhh.

overwhelmed

It's been a crazy week. It's always like this when sports start and I have to figure out how to get Jenna to practice, get the stuff that she needs and get myself to work all at the same time. It was a busy week at work with freshmen orientation and open house events. Then two evening meetings and other stuff to think about. Jenna has no concept about how much I'm juggling and how much I bend over backwards to accommodate her needs and her schedule. Getting Jared to college, being an adviser to Jasmine and all Jenna's stuff is all on me. James is completely removed from it all and can't even provide monetary support to help relieve some of my responsibility. It's ridiculous and sad that he has no problem letting me bear all of the parenting burden. I'm so tired... His pathetic unemployment is putting the child support further and further behind. He hasn't reimbursed me for Jenna's expenses and I'm sure he justifies it quite well in his warped mind. Doesn't he realize that his daughter needs therapy because he has abandoned her???

So all this stuff goes on this week and then I crash here alone on Friday night. Alone with my thoughts, alone with my coping, alone with my feelings of hopelessness. I'm beginning to think that I'm never going to be able to be in a relationship again. There's too much going against me.

I fall short

I feel an overwhelming sense of inadequacy. I've made so many mistakes -- mistakes that are not easy to overcome and I wonder if I will ever be able to rise above them. Marrying the wrong person will probably haunt me for the rest of my life. Financial mistakes continue to make me feel insecure and cause me an immense amount of stress. The child support is behind again and I have no idea how much or when I'll get any. I keep kicking myself for being dependent on the support and trusting that J will do what's right. I just sent him receipts for camp and counseling with no expectation that he will send me the money. Pathetic. I plead for God's mercy and pray that my stupidity will be forgiven and that my children will not be cursed by my bad judgment. I know my family loves me, but they just can't possibly understand what I'm going through. I even feel like I don't have a right to feel this way -- there are so many people in worse circumstances than me. I'm so sad and I just want to disappear. I am in despair.

so emotional...

I'm so emotional lately. I feel so scattered... one of the many things bouncing around in my mind is that summer is ahead and I have nothing to look forward to. The only sure plan is the college trip to Tennessee in August. Instead of fun, my calendar is filling up with duties. I feel like I'm getting swallowed up into nothingness -- more and more dull by the moment.

Mary L. related her dating disasters to me last night which served to make me feel even more hopeless about future relationships. Are all men such dastardly dogs?

I'm beginning to conjure up some solo adventure for myself. Where could I go? What could I do? Get me out of my life for a couple of days? Certainly deserves some further thought and investigation...

I wish I knew you

Things have been really busy lately -- #1 child graduation, #3 child prom, meetings and work stuff -- but I've had a bout of loneliness that I can't quite shake. It's probably because I dwell on the thoughts instead of focusing on other things. I had two intense dreams in the same week -- one about Dr. G and the other about a long lost friend who I was kind of in love with for a while. In both dreams I was hugged and kissed -- something I secretly long for. Anyway, in the case of Dr. G I'm back to the tendency of strategizing how I could make something happen with him. It's pretty stupid, but I'm desperate I guess. I haven't seen him in weeks -- haven't been to Border's in a while and didn't see him there this week. I was pretty disappointed because I was feeling pretty confident about flirting with him. Oh well. Back to the dreams.... I haven't seen or communicated with Stephen in 17 years. I've often thought of writing a letter to him -- started a few -- but never followed through. Well this time I did. I don't expect any response from him. It's not his style. It was satisfying for me to finally reach out of the past and tap him on the shoulder -- so to speak. I wish I knew either of these men as friends that I could talk to about anything.

The nice weather exacerbates my loneliness because there is more to do and still no one to do it with. It all feels rather hopeless. I should pray more about it.