catching up

Life has been kinda crazy lately. It would be great if things could just slow down a little. List of activities in the last two weeks: family court hearing for FOUR petitions filed against me by ex (I should have blogged about that!); two/three hour mentor training sessions; prom dress fittings for JBR; A LOT of preparations for Palm Sunday, Tenebrae and Easter services; board meetings; two big projects & related meetings at work; annual review; plus the usual routine of driving JBR to/from activities. Then yesterday -- JBR's trip to Philly had me off the stress charts! Missed bus, just made train, would she make it to the bus out of NYC in five minutes?!?!?, on the phone while she wanders around trying to find the right bus, miracuously makes it on the bus, will she connect with big sis who has no cell phone???, they find each other and she arrives safe & sound.... whew! Lots of answered prayer!! God is soooo good.

So with all this craziness, my diet sucks and even though the weather has been nice, I don't have time to get out and walk. Finally walked 2 mi. w/ N last evening -- while JBR was on the train. Need to get out again tonight and fight the flab!

it was a happy birthday

I'm thinking back on yesterday -- my birthday and I conclude that it was a happy birthday. I had a great day that should be chronicled here so that I remember how good it can be... to be me. :) It was gorgeous sunny warm spring day! Oh thank you God for that! I went for a 3 mile walk in the morning -- a great way to start the day. When I got back from my walk, there was a FTD box on the doorstep. Oldest daughter sent me a lovely flower bouquet with peach roses. I checked my email and facebook and there were a bunch of birthday wishes from friends. I then headed out to do a bit of shopping and got a blouse at JCP for $3! Met T__ at TGI Friday's for a long lunch. Then it was off to ASI for my first ever facial. It was awesome!!! I felt so pampered -- definetly the best thing to do on my b-day -- some self indulgence. Youngest daughter and I had some Chinese food for dinner (really lousy food unfortunately) and then a yummy rich chocolate raspberry torte later for dessert. C__ stopped over with a thoughtful gift. Brother T__ called and chatted for a while. Son came through with a card & gift to cap off the day. Felt very loved by friends and family!

I'd have to say that the birthdays have significantly improved sans husband -- even though I'm getting older and feel my odds of coupling again diminish.

tired, restless...winter blues?

I'm in a funk of some sort. It's kind of hard to explain and I really haven't taken the time to analyze my feelings. I think it all began with our drama in January and the realization that I had to manage yet another crisis on my own. Then the mid-winter visitation and face to face with J__ -- which brought on the resurgence of that feeling of insecurity that I always used to have with him. Realizing again that this man can not be counted on or trusted. Then the summons to court and J's plea to reduce the child support (ahem, because he is a LOSER). All this and my abismal social life sans male companionship and the hopelessness that this will change anytime soon. Knowledge that the only man I would consider is involved with someone else. Seeing the signs of aging on my face (and breaking out a lot lately -- what's with that??) and filling out my clothes a little too much -- hating the number on the scale. Lack of energy and motivation. It's all quite depressing!

Hopefully, I'm on the verge of breaking out of these doldrums. I'm thinking about running -- I want to run. I need warmer weather! I'm thinking of broadening my horizons and getting involved with a new activity. Something other than work or church related -- something active. I'm thinking that I need to stop thinking so much about Dr. ___. So if I could put these thoughts into action...

gotta watch it

I'm in one of those funky moods today. A day when I should be secluded from humanity and left to my own devices. Youngest daughter will be returning from six days with dad and the adjustment from that much time away can be tricky. I need to be careful and conscious of my tendency to want her to just download all information so I know everything that happened. I hate having to play 20 questions in order to get anything out of her.

I'm really not happy with J___ right now. He's such a blowhard and a liar -- and still stuck in the same old cycles. On one hand, I am so glad that I don't have to deal with his nonsense on a daily basis. On the other hand, I get antsy about whether people (the kids, family, friends that he has contact with) buy what he says. It's pointless, of course, for me to have anxiety about this. I have to trust in my God to provide for all of our needs regardless of Jim's choices and failures. I also have to trust in the truth -- that it will prevail.

now you show up?

The father of my children has been largely absent for three years. This past year, our 16 yr old has been with her father for less than 14 days total. I can count the number of visits with the older kids on one hand. He has not been present for any of their finest moments. Score a goal, mom cheers. Nail that solo part, mom cheers. Give a heart gripping performance, mom weeps. Fix the car, mom is relieved. Dean's list, mom gushes with pride. Trip to Italy, mom wants to go! Apply for college, mom gets the info. Dad has not been the go to parent for any of their troubles -- minor to major. When the car breaks down, call mom. When the boyfriend is a jerk, call mom. When sick and need emergency care, call mom. When grades are failing, the teacher calls mom. Recuperating from surgery, mom nurses. Need money, call mom. Need a ride, call mom. Get in trouble, call mom. etc, etc.

So when youngest daughter has to face her 15 min. of shame, Dad suddenly is interested in being present?! Please no, I say. This is not the time to play daddy. Show up when she shines, when she will be eager for your praise. Don't make this harder than it already is.

more parenting in the rough

Most of the time I'm not aware that I'm in this parenting thing alone. Sometimes I can't be in two places at once, but I usually work it out somehow. It's generally easier than dealing with an irrational, selfish, absent parent. Once in a while things happen that make me realize the difficulty of shouldering the responsibility alone. It kind of hits me between the eyes and I feel a deep sadness that my children can't count on their father to be there for them when things get tough. Youngest daughter did something really stupid with some potentially serious consequences and I have to handle the fall out. Thank GOD for His wisdom and guidance because I couldn't get through this stuff without my heavenly father. I am not so alone afterall. I endure the bitterness of the ex, knowing that I am doing the best that I can -- and my kids, as great as they are, will make mistakes that I can not prevent. Few kids get to adulthood without making some stupid choices. The goal is to get them there without having to endure lifelong consequences.

what do I have to offer?

I would say that around 50 percent of the time I'm content being single. There is a part of me that is uncomfortable about the idea of having to share my space, my stuff and my time with someone else. Not to mention the "just-out-of-bed-in-the-morning Amy," who is quite scary to behold. But I'm really only okay with this singleness if it's temporary. Living the rest of my life alone is NOT a pleasant thought at all. I tend to focus on the fact that I'm in my early 40's and aging rapidly -- therefore time seems to be running out on me. It may be helpful to focus on the positives instead and be cognizant of what I have to offer out there on the dating/marriage market. So here goes....

I'm not ugly -- not gorgeous, but not ugly. In my mind, I pass for attractive when I'm about 10-15 lbs. lighter than I am right now. This, by the way, is attainable since I was 10 lbs. lighter about 8 months ago! The disruption to my exercise schedule in the fall always sets me back, but I digress... I care about my appearance -- not fashion savvy, but try to avoid looking like a schlep. I have nice eyes with changing hues and an expressive countenance. I'm intelligent, not a genius, not a scholar, but educated and informed enough to converse intelligently. I have sense of humor, a bit sarcastic perhaps, but I can be pretty light-hearted. I have a decent career with future potential. I have a variety of interests so hopefully I'm not too boring. I'm healthy and try to strive towards a healthy lifestyle -- not passionate about it though. I do have passion though! I'm easy going and fairly confident in myself. I'm not needy or over emotional. Yadda yadda yadda. I feel like I'm writing a resume! Just think positive Amy -- you are a human being with lots to offer and worthy of love. :-)