should I keep trying?

I am still pursuing online dating -- against all odds. I decided to try another dating site. It seems to have a lot less people on it, but it also seems to match better. No contacts so far -- except for this odd ice breaker request from a guy who was hiding his profile! I am still on match until my subscription ends today so I have sent and received some emails there. It's interesting how I NEVER get a response to the emails that I initiate. I have received some communication from a mysterious guy with no image and with no offer to send me an image. I'm going to call him tonight -- hey why not? I'm curious about him, but have absolutely no hopes that he is anything I'm looking for. His profile did not wow me at all. I don't know.....it keeps me kind of out there, interested and hopeful. Maybe one of these days I will actually get a real live date!

surprise! it's a SCAM

So I finally put it all together yesterday realized I have been the victim of a "romance scam." INSANE! I really had no idea these scams existed, but now I know. The ugly truth has descended on me and now I am grappling with the aftermath of decimated dreams and the plummet of hope. I am so thankful that I have had the Lord to trust through all of this. I made some mistakes and I allowed myself to be lured by something that was too good to be true, but I kept submitting it all to the Lord and continued to seek His guidance and wisdom. He ultimately led me to the truth in a relatively short period of time. I have read of people being wrapped up in the scams for months. Many people have lost thousands of dollars to these scams. The scammers wear you down and then bring you in for the kill. My scammer was not able to get that far though I know an attempt to get money out of me was imminent. Thank God I was enlightened just in time. It is a difficult lesson to learn, but I know I will be stronger for it.

I am feeling some emptiness today -- this fantasy has been filling my days for over two weeks now. The need to be loved emotionally and physically is gnawing at me and I don't know what to do about it. I just need to pray I guess and talk to the Lord about it. My friends have been so supportive and encouraging -- it really helps a lot. I am still in this foggy just woke up phase where I realize that it was all a dream and not real. It may take me a while to shake my head and just move forward with my life as it is and will be. I am glad that I have things to keep me busy for the next couple of days. Tough stuff indeed. It would be tempting for me to think that it just doesn't get better, but I will try to resist. I can see where this was a sign that I need to trust in God more and have deeper, more abiding faith. If I can't quite believe that God has good things ahead for me, I can at least see that He is protecting me and loving me right now -- here in the present.

mystery guy emerges

I have so many emotions about my communication with A, but I'm not sure I can sort them out enough in print. Just want to document the tension between thrilling excitement and skeptical fear! On the one hand, he is handsome, charming, interesting and exotic. On the other hand he is mysterious, unknown and effusive. There is still much to learn and evaluate -- prayerfully. Who knows where this will go? One day at a time...

possibility?

I re-live a lesson over and over again. The lesson is to stop trying to figure out things on my own and allow God to be in control. If I allow God to be in control, things fall into place. Not everything is revealed, the clouds don't part and I don't received an audible from God -- but there is ease, movement -- something we often refer to as PEACE. So, I came to that place once again last week when I acknowledged my sin, my manipulation and took myself out of the driver's seat. Your will be done Lord. You direct me. Help me to yield and obey. Show me the way.

If there is a man out there for me, then God will show me and He will bring him to me -- or me to him. Why would I want it any other way? I've screwed this up before and I don't want to make that mistake again. Putting the Lord in control of this area does not mean that I no longer participate (IMO). I will seek out possibilities and pray for discernment and guidance. The trick for me is to stay in the present and not get ahead of things by imagining, or actually fantasizing about what could be. That's where I move into God's realm and I don't belong there.

So this week brought a possible match across my path. A guy online contacted me and we are trying to connect via IM. He is very attractive and seems sweet, but I'm skeptical of anyone I meet in cyberspace so I will be very cautious. Who knows? Well God knows and I need to rely and trust in God's provision and his perfect timing. I need to relax and not force anything and not get my hopes unrealistically high. I don't want to be stressed about this and there is no reason why I should. I want to have fun and enjoy the experience. I won't make mistakes or be stuck in bad situations if I continue to trust in the Lord.

failure is not an option

I looked at JAR's grades online this morning. My worst fears were realized. He failed at least two classes (one more grade to be posted). I have a mixture of feelings. Deep disappointment, helplessness, anger, etc. I don't know how to reach him. I don't know quite what to do. Right now, I'm thinking that I just need to be calm and rational. I want to approach this problem in a thoughtful, pragmatic manner. So, I'm planning to sit down with my son tonight and begin by getting the picture from his point of view. If he wants to be in college and shows any desire to succeed, then I'm going to suggest we work on a plan of action. I'm envisioning some sort of plan/contract -- some structure for him to work within to get on the right track. Depending on how that conversation goes, I may consult with a pastor for some advice.

It's problems like this that make me feel very alone and vulnerable. I don't have anyone to lean on and to share the burden. I pray, oh yes, I pray and I know that God is in control and that he is my rock. It's so intangible though isn't it? When I have the opportunity to get down on my knees and dump it all at Jesus' feet, maybe then I will feel some relief and belief that I am not really alone.

missing some male attention

I dressed up a bit today -- got out the only skirt that looks decent on me. It felt good, but I miss having a guy notice what I'm wearing and maybe even throwing out a compliment. My girlfriends will compliment me, but let's face it -- it's not the same! The sense of being attractive is nebulous when there is no one out there to affirm it. I guess next to being hugged and kissed, I miss having someone say -- hey you look great. Ah well, better not think about it too much!

false positive match

Ok.... so I talked to R on Wednesday night. Interesting conversation....and not all in a good way. There were some positive things -- he's a Christian and attends a church that my friends go to; he seemed very understanding about my divorce since his parents are divorced.... but, I definitely got some weird vibes. His manner of conversation, references to his mother, stories about his youth, making a big deal about working out at Bally's (I couldn't care less), the appearance of inflexibility (i.e. he seems a little uptight) and another slight annoyance - he took another phone call and put me on hold.

So, novice that I am, I went ahead and scheduled a date with him anyway. I'm thinking at this point that I just need to get out there and get the first date behind me.

Information that I've found in combination with my analysis of the phone conversation really puts me off this guy. I kinda of have that icky feeling that comes when I'm uncomfortable and fear that I'll get stuck in something that I have to extricate myself from.