is it just a mood?

I'm feeling stressed today and a bit irritable. It's a snowy day -- a bit of a struggle to get into work. I woke up at 5:30 then 6:30 and tried to go back to sleep until 8:00 but I just sorta lounged in bed in a half asleep state. I don't know exactly what my problem is. I guess it's the re-occurring frustration with being stuck in this spot. I'm feeling ambivalent about D so far this week. I think I am somewhat subconsciously processing some of the stuff we discussed over the weekend. I didn't have enough prayer time this morning -- inexcusable because if I had just gotten out of bed, I could have had a quiet time. Instead, I sent up random thoughts like keep me safe on the roads, watch over D today, etc. It's times like this when I wish I could just be in someone's arms and be quiet. It sucks when that someone can't be there when you need them.

anxious thoughts

I got a bid mired in some bad thinking yesterday (though it had all but dissipated by the evening). When I checked my AOL mail, an article in the news feed caught my attention. It was about a new book written by a journalist whose fiancé of ten years confessed that he was gay. The book apparently covers the aftermath of this broken relationship and how she sort of goes on a sex spree. That's not what bothered me. It was the way her ex described his change of behavior (so to speak). It sounded a bit familiar and it kind of freaked me out. He said that he had fantasies about sex with men. When the author checked his laptop (she was given access to the password), she found gay porn and craigslist men for men posts (among other things). When she confronted her fiancé about the posts, he confessed that he had been meeting up with men for over two years. So then I did a really stupid thing, I looked at some of the craigslist posts in this area. It made me sick. To think that D would have ever been involved in such a thing, tears me apart. It is so dark and depraved.

My hope is this: God is greater. Jesus died for this. We were all depraved and sinful until Christ bore it all on the cross for us. Hallelujah! We have a redeemer who provides us victory over the darkness! I believe in the redeeming power of Christ in us -- in D.

notes about the Shining Barrier to keep in mind

To be the watch upon the walls of the Shining Barrier, we early established what, later, we called the Navigators’ Council. It was in part a ‘truth session’ but, more significantly, it was an inquiry into the ‘state of the union’. Were we fully sharing? Was there any sign of creeping separateness? These Councils would occur fortnightly or monthly. In them we would pour out sherry and begin with a burst of music from some noble symphony, perhaps the singing of the ‘Fifth’, and then we would talk. Often there were decisions to make. Whatever the decision, it would be made upon the single basis of what we called the ‘Appeal to Love’.

The ‘Appeal to Love’ was an essential part of the very structure of the Shining Barrier. What it meant was simply this question: what will be best for our love? Should one of us change a pattern of behaviour that bothered the other, or should the other learn to accept? Well, which would be better for our love? Which way would be better, in any choice or decision, in the light of our single goal: to be in love as long as life might last? No argument could prevail against it. The Appeal to Love was like a trumpet call from the battlements of the Shining Barrier, causing us to lift our eyes from the immediate desires to what was truly important…

The passion, the sexual element, was there: and sexual harmony like sexual playfulness was an important dimension of our love. But it wasn’t itself the whole thing; and we knew that to make it the whole or even the most important element was to court disaster. Those who see love as only sex or mainly sex do not, quite simply, know what love is. They are the blind man assuming that the trunk of the elephant – or perhaps the phallus – is the whole creature. Sex is merely part of a greater thing. To be in love, as to see beauty, is a kind of adoring that turns the lover away from self. Just seeing Davy asleep, defenceless and trusting and innocent, could tear my heart, then in that first spring or a dozen years later. When we first fell in love in dead of winter, we said, ‘If we aren’t more in love in lilactime, we shall be finished.’ But we were more in love: for love must grow or die. Every year on our anniversary we said, ‘If we’re not more deeply in love next year, we shall have failed.’

all personal ponderings go here?

Thus begins my attempt to eschew email with personal thoughts to the one I love. It hasn't been working for me lately. I'm going to dump all my pondering into blog posts instead. As I sit here and think about this, I wonder if this will last. What am I trying to accomplish? The messages are a means of communication with the intent that it be two-way. If I put it here, it's one-way and it will probably be just as unsatisfying (perhaps more unsatisfying) than receiving a fickle response. This isn't really fixing the problem is it? The problem is expectations. Lovers have used written communication for hundreds of years. Love letters are age old. Email is not the same thing, however. Email creates a desire for instantaneous expectations. Though I often spend a lot of time and consideration on my email messages, there is still an element of unprocessed communication. I would probably put more consideration into a written document. Hey, maybe I should start writing letters instead! But it takes too much time -- two days for snail mail. In the early days and weeks of dating, email was a way to get more out -- more information about each other and more emotion to fire the romance. We talk everyday so what do we really need to say in email? Okay, there is the fact that sometimes it's easier to express myself in writing. When we talk, the words don't always come together right. I'm a thinker and I need time to process my answers and responses.

The way I see it: the only solution to this problem is to see the man I love on a daily or almost daily basis and talk to him about what I think and feel regularly!!! And on the subject of feelings -- we MUST share what we feel whether the feelings are good, bad or indifferent. We MUST trust each other enough to do that because feelings fuel us and they turn into actions. If we can't share our feelings, we don't have a healthy relationship.

year's end

The end of 2010 is at hand. I guess I should be contemplative and reflective, but I don't really feel like reviewing the past right now. I feel more like being in the moment and being optimistic about the future. I can't remember the last time I had so much hope looking forward. I'm happy with my present. I'm thankful for the love in my life. The love of a good man. The love of my children. I'm thankful for the time I've had to spend with them this past week. My heart is warm. Life is good. God is good and faithful.

six months

Six months ago today a sweet, wonderful man from Massachusetts found me. These months have moved very quickly and so much has happened. I fell in love with this man so quickly -- head over heels! The love I feel today isn't the butterfly feeling (the squiggles are less prominent), but it is deep and rooted. Despite the speed bumps, the uncertainty at times, the distance that plagues us, and the difficulty of the last few weeks, I love him with all my heart. It was a 'divine conspiracy' that brought us together and my hope is that God will bind us together forever. I can't wait to be wrapped in his embrace and feel his warm, sweet kisses. I've missed him so much. Less than 24 hours to go!

better

I have a better perspective today. I'm feeling more optimistic. Your words have been like rain on a parched land. I can't wait to see your face and be in your embrace. I also can't wait to TALK!!! I miss the sound of your voice so much.

I didn't sleep very well last night. I had several periods of wakefulness and felt like I never really slept soundly. Ah well. It's going to be a long day.

I miss you

It's a beautiful, hot summer day. I wish I was enjoying it with you. You are constantly on my mind. I've been replaying a lot of memories in an effort to keep you close. But you are SO far away -- physically and emotionally. I hate this. I have to get through 5 more days -- and then what? No idea. I can't live in limbo anymore.

silence

I've agreed to the silence now, but it still feels oppressive. It feels like I'm being punished for something I didn't do. It feels like I'm being shut out. I understand the need for some space -- you need to concentrate on some important matters. I get that. It just doesn't make it any easier to be cut out of your life. I want to be IN relationship with you. That's what loving someone means.

I wonder about your feelings for me. I wonder if it has been painful for you to be cut out of MY life. You said it was "strange" not to talk to me every day, but you didn't say it was painful or difficult. Is it that you are so hyper focused on your issues that you just can't deal with your feelings for me? Is that it? Is keeping me silent a way of setting me aside so that you don't have to deal with me? I suppose it is. I suppose I shouldn't take offense to that. I'm being selfish.

longing

I slept better last night. I woke up around 5 a.m. and, like every morning, my first thoughts were of you. I longed for you -- your presence, your touch, the sound of your voice, your words. So, I caved and called you -- I wanted to speak The Word to you to start the day. I hope that was okay. I hope it helped to hear the sound of my voice. I miss you so much. I know I have to keep waiting. It is incredibly difficult and takes all my will power. I have to keep remembering to draw on God's strength and trust him.

impatient

I'm tired and impatient today. I'm itching to contact you in some way, but resisting with all of my strength. This 'space and time' thing really isn't working for me. I've had about enough of it. I'm frustrated and beginning to get angry. Is this really necessary?

Meanwhile, I continue to pray like crazy and try to focus on waiting on the Lord instead of waiting for you. There is only so much that I can tolerate -- I don't know what the limit is right now, but I'm sure I'll know it when I hit it. If you don't reach out to me with some FEELING soon, you are going to lose me. Maybe that's what you hope for anyway. I just don't know.

insomnia

It's 3 a.m. and I've been awake since 12:30 a.m. I haven't had insomnia like this in awhile. Last night I woke up several times and then could not get back to sleep after 4:30 a.m. I was really tired yesterday. I can't imagine what this day is going to be like. How will I function? I seem to get insomnia when my emotions are haywire. My stomach has been a problem all night also -- major indigestion! Bad idea to have left over Chinese food. Ugh.

I'm going back to bed. Hope I can sleep.....

please

Please love me and let me love you. I miss you. I wait. I hurt.

struggling but waiting

I'm really struggling. I don't know what I'm supposed to think. I have thoughts -- just have difficulty determining if they are warranted or correct. I don't know what I'm supposed to feel. I have strong feelings, but they're suppressed because I'm not free to share them. I don't know how I'm supposed to behave. There are actions that I want to take, but I restrain myself because I don't know what the rules are or I question my motives or I decide that I'm not supposed to make the first move. I also try to logically predict the future based on what I know to be true -- or is it what I think is true? Ha, like that's even possible! Then I'll do an about-face and think of the worst possible scenario to prepare myself for that possibility. It's literally a 24 hour analysis. It consumes every spare minute of the day and I wake up several times during the night. I'm pretty sure I dream about it, too. I'm praying throughout this process -- sometimes for long periods of time. I'm praying in earnest with fervor and I feel God is close when I pray -- almost like he is sitting right next to me with an attentive ear. I see that God is teaching me to surrender control and trust him. I see that. Really, I do. There have been times when I've asked for peace and I've felt it -- until I allow my anxiety to seep in and take over again.

So I write all this and then what? I wonder if I'm supposed to send it to you. Is this allowed? Is this invading your space? Is this troubling you when you are self-focused? Will you think I'm neurotic? Does this feed into your doubt about me? Is this breaking some unspoken code of silence? Do I have a right to express any of my thoughts or feelings? Is this pushing forward instead of pulling back? Am I trying to grasp for some control of a situation that is supposed to be out of my control?

I'm not going to send this by email. I'll post it here and wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

still yours

Still yours . . . two words to which I pin my hopes. You are moved by a song, but is your heart still really with me? Love dies from neglect and I'm so afraid that our love will die. You are so far from where you need to be, it seems, so far from the truth. Will you lose sight of me as you meander down this path? I entrust you to the Lord, again. I have to believe that he will reveal himself to you and that the spirit will come upon you with power. My heart yearns for you to see the truth and believe it on faith.

Open the eyes of his heart, Lord, so that he can see you. Reveal yourself to him, I pray. Show him your glory, your holiness, your sovereignty, your power. Humble him, protect him from the evil one who wants to ensnare him in doubt. Help me to be patient and to trust you more.

I'm tired

I'm so tired today ..... emotionally and physically. It's a very dark and dreary Monday which doesn't help. The tears are ever close to the surface. I haven't slept well in days. I wake up several times a night -- last night was 12:30, 2:30 and then 5:00. I didn't get back to sleep after 5 a.m., just dozed a little bit. When I wake up, my mind whirls with thoughts of D. I try to focus on happy memories, which doesn't always help. It makes me miss him.

I feel so lost. I keep thinking of ways to reach out, but ultimately conclude that I can't initiate anything. I have to wait for him. THAT sucks. I'm always trying to find answers and it's INCREDIBLY frustrating to realize that there are none to find. It's not up to me. I have to trust the Lord -- that's all I can do. My big lesson: surrender everything to the Lord. A very, very difficult lesson.

I thought of you, my darling, all through the service this morning. The sermon was apropos and I wished so much that you could hear it. Maybe I'll send a link to the recording later in the week. I vacillate between great hope and great despair. Logic fails me.

The drive to Herkimer gave me too much time to think about you, but then I think of you constantly despite what I'm doing. I'm thinking that I need to go completely silent for a few days -- absolutely no email. It's impossible task, but maybe I can summon enough purpose and determination to do it. I wonder if it will make you see what it would be like to lose me. Would it even matter to you? I don't know. I'm always one heartbeat away from calling you and pleading my love for you. It's so hard to resist sometimes. I hate being forced to do this.

I watched South Pacific this afternoon. I truly am masochistic. Some Enchanted Evening made me cry. "Once you've found her, never let her go."

what are the rules?

We didn't discuss the parameters or the rules of this. What does it mean to give someone space and time? What does it really mean to 'pull back'. I don't know. I've interpreted it as this: Amy keeps her feelings to herself while Dick finds his way. Amy suffers in silence. Love is held hostage. I rip you out of my life and you rip me out of yours -- we share nothing. For what? Is this suffering really necessary? It seems so terribly self-centered to me right now. It's all about you. What about me? I'm set aside. I wait.

I pray without ceasing and I weep. That's all that I can do. I am bound. Love is held hostage.

Will our love survive? Will it be strengthened or will it be destroyed from neglect?

consequences

It occurred to me that I am being disciplined for my disobedience and ultimately for my pride. I have willingly disobeyed God by compromising my purity. I pridefully reasoned that God's way was too restrictive. If you really love someone, why can't you love them completely? I reasoned that I was doing something good, giving something that my love needed. I was a fool. Not only did I compromise myself, but I've been a stumbling block to someone that I love. I complicated his life (he made the choice, too, of course) by giving in to my flesh. Sin is sin -- sex outside of marriage or fornication (hate that word) is clearly sin. That's God's way. Now I face the consequences and suffer the pain. I await the final verdict hoping that my mistakes are covered with grace. I submit this to you Lord once and for all. I will not be disobedient in this area again. Your way is perfect. I will be devastated to realize what I've done, if this relationship does not work out. What if I have given my body to someone who will never be my husband?

void

It's Saturday morning and I'm going about my household duties. The sun is shining and it's a beautiful day. I sit here with tears streaming down my face. I'm letting the anxiety take hold again and I'm feeling the void once filled by a friend, confidant and lover. One week ago I was lying in his arms and today I'm separated from him completely. It hurts so much. I'm so afraid that the relationship is going to end -- that he will end it. How do I continue to do this? How do I continue to wait? I need to pray -- nothing more than whispered phrases so far this morning. It's time to get on my knees and submit once more. Last night I prayed for God's peace and he gave it to me. I felt more relaxed and slept a little better.