is it just a mood?

I'm feeling stressed today and a bit irritable. It's a snowy day -- a bit of a struggle to get into work. I woke up at 5:30 then 6:30 and tried to go back to sleep until 8:00 but I just sorta lounged in bed in a half asleep state. I don't know exactly what my problem is. I guess it's the re-occurring frustration with being stuck in this spot. I'm feeling ambivalent about D so far this week. I think I am somewhat subconsciously processing some of the stuff we discussed over the weekend. I didn't have enough prayer time this morning -- inexcusable because if I had just gotten out of bed, I could have had a quiet time. Instead, I sent up random thoughts like keep me safe on the roads, watch over D today, etc. It's times like this when I wish I could just be in someone's arms and be quiet. It sucks when that someone can't be there when you need them.

anxious thoughts

I got a bid mired in some bad thinking yesterday (though it had all but dissipated by the evening). When I checked my AOL mail, an article in the news feed caught my attention. It was about a new book written by a journalist whose fiancé of ten years confessed that he was gay. The book apparently covers the aftermath of this broken relationship and how she sort of goes on a sex spree. That's not what bothered me. It was the way her ex described his change of behavior (so to speak). It sounded a bit familiar and it kind of freaked me out. He said that he had fantasies about sex with men. When the author checked his laptop (she was given access to the password), she found gay porn and craigslist men for men posts (among other things). When she confronted her fiancé about the posts, he confessed that he had been meeting up with men for over two years. So then I did a really stupid thing, I looked at some of the craigslist posts in this area. It made me sick. To think that D would have ever been involved in such a thing, tears me apart. It is so dark and depraved.

My hope is this: God is greater. Jesus died for this. We were all depraved and sinful until Christ bore it all on the cross for us. Hallelujah! We have a redeemer who provides us victory over the darkness! I believe in the redeeming power of Christ in us -- in D.

notes about the Shining Barrier to keep in mind

To be the watch upon the walls of the Shining Barrier, we early established what, later, we called the Navigators’ Council. It was in part a ‘truth session’ but, more significantly, it was an inquiry into the ‘state of the union’. Were we fully sharing? Was there any sign of creeping separateness? These Councils would occur fortnightly or monthly. In them we would pour out sherry and begin with a burst of music from some noble symphony, perhaps the singing of the ‘Fifth’, and then we would talk. Often there were decisions to make. Whatever the decision, it would be made upon the single basis of what we called the ‘Appeal to Love’.

The ‘Appeal to Love’ was an essential part of the very structure of the Shining Barrier. What it meant was simply this question: what will be best for our love? Should one of us change a pattern of behaviour that bothered the other, or should the other learn to accept? Well, which would be better for our love? Which way would be better, in any choice or decision, in the light of our single goal: to be in love as long as life might last? No argument could prevail against it. The Appeal to Love was like a trumpet call from the battlements of the Shining Barrier, causing us to lift our eyes from the immediate desires to what was truly important…

The passion, the sexual element, was there: and sexual harmony like sexual playfulness was an important dimension of our love. But it wasn’t itself the whole thing; and we knew that to make it the whole or even the most important element was to court disaster. Those who see love as only sex or mainly sex do not, quite simply, know what love is. They are the blind man assuming that the trunk of the elephant – or perhaps the phallus – is the whole creature. Sex is merely part of a greater thing. To be in love, as to see beauty, is a kind of adoring that turns the lover away from self. Just seeing Davy asleep, defenceless and trusting and innocent, could tear my heart, then in that first spring or a dozen years later. When we first fell in love in dead of winter, we said, ‘If we aren’t more in love in lilactime, we shall be finished.’ But we were more in love: for love must grow or die. Every year on our anniversary we said, ‘If we’re not more deeply in love next year, we shall have failed.’

all personal ponderings go here?

Thus begins my attempt to eschew email with personal thoughts to the one I love. It hasn't been working for me lately. I'm going to dump all my pondering into blog posts instead. As I sit here and think about this, I wonder if this will last. What am I trying to accomplish? The messages are a means of communication with the intent that it be two-way. If I put it here, it's one-way and it will probably be just as unsatisfying (perhaps more unsatisfying) than receiving a fickle response. This isn't really fixing the problem is it? The problem is expectations. Lovers have used written communication for hundreds of years. Love letters are age old. Email is not the same thing, however. Email creates a desire for instantaneous expectations. Though I often spend a lot of time and consideration on my email messages, there is still an element of unprocessed communication. I would probably put more consideration into a written document. Hey, maybe I should start writing letters instead! But it takes too much time -- two days for snail mail. In the early days and weeks of dating, email was a way to get more out -- more information about each other and more emotion to fire the romance. We talk everyday so what do we really need to say in email? Okay, there is the fact that sometimes it's easier to express myself in writing. When we talk, the words don't always come together right. I'm a thinker and I need time to process my answers and responses.

The way I see it: the only solution to this problem is to see the man I love on a daily or almost daily basis and talk to him about what I think and feel regularly!!! And on the subject of feelings -- we MUST share what we feel whether the feelings are good, bad or indifferent. We MUST trust each other enough to do that because feelings fuel us and they turn into actions. If we can't share our feelings, we don't have a healthy relationship.

year's end

The end of 2010 is at hand. I guess I should be contemplative and reflective, but I don't really feel like reviewing the past right now. I feel more like being in the moment and being optimistic about the future. I can't remember the last time I had so much hope looking forward. I'm happy with my present. I'm thankful for the love in my life. The love of a good man. The love of my children. I'm thankful for the time I've had to spend with them this past week. My heart is warm. Life is good. God is good and faithful.

six months

Six months ago today a sweet, wonderful man from Massachusetts found me. These months have moved very quickly and so much has happened. I fell in love with this man so quickly -- head over heels! The love I feel today isn't the butterfly feeling (the squiggles are less prominent), but it is deep and rooted. Despite the speed bumps, the uncertainty at times, the distance that plagues us, and the difficulty of the last few weeks, I love him with all my heart. It was a 'divine conspiracy' that brought us together and my hope is that God will bind us together forever. I can't wait to be wrapped in his embrace and feel his warm, sweet kisses. I've missed him so much. Less than 24 hours to go!

better

I have a better perspective today. I'm feeling more optimistic. Your words have been like rain on a parched land. I can't wait to see your face and be in your embrace. I also can't wait to TALK!!! I miss the sound of your voice so much.

I didn't sleep very well last night. I had several periods of wakefulness and felt like I never really slept soundly. Ah well. It's going to be a long day.